Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice form 100 Top Divorce Lawyers
Moving On
Life is like a book: some chapters are more difficult to get through than others. When I started living on my own again, I thought about how the new chapters of my own life were going to be written. I began to ask myself many questions. Can people actually be single and happy postdivorce? If they can, how do they achieve this? What is their secret? Is it like one of those new fad diets--just follow these few simple steps and, poof, a new you, easilytransformed while you sleep? Or can you only reach that elusive goal of happiness when you find that perfect mate--your knight in shining armor or damsel in distress? You need to manage the emotional agenda so you can look on divorce not as something that's dreadful, but as a passage that you can then learn from. There are learning curves involved in all passages. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to learn.Psychologist Dr. Bruce Derman, Woodland Hills, CaliforniaDivorce is about helping two people find a way to separate, yet some people just separate without working anything out.
I've known some wonderful people who, five or ten years after their divorce, were still bitter and angry, still asking, "Why me?" and, "How dare you?"There are couples that, many years after their divorce, are still fighting over many different issues. They've really never gotten over the emotional divorce. They are still holding onto emotional agendas. They say, "You've hurt me more than I've hurt you. I feel I was the right one in our marriage, not you." And when you are stuck in an emotional agenda, there's no time limit. It can go forever.
Psychologist Dr. Bruce Derman, Woodland Hills, California
Who did this attitude help? They were stuck in their past and finding it hard to live in the present. They were still so emotionally scarred--still walking around feeling wounded and bruised, still grieving and venting to anyone that would listen, still complaining about how their ex cheated them out of a life together. I didn't want to end up like this, so what could I do to move on?"Smart" refers to your head and how you are thinking about this. But a divorce that is not only smart but wise is one that also doesn't leave behind people's hearts, including broken hearts, as they go through this. A good mediation allows space for grieving so that at the end of this process, the couple has more than just a good settlement financially; they also have been able to have some closure on the ending of this marriage.
Mediator Dr. Carl D. Schneider, PhD, Mediation Matters, Bethesda, MarylandCoping with Your Ex After Divorce People have different emotions and experiences when disentangling from a former spouse. Some are saddened by the loss of the person with whom they had hoped to spend the rest of their life. Others are thrilled to finally be apart. Still others are required to maintain a relationship for the sake of the children. Some people never want to see or hear about their former partners ever again. Others try to keep tabs on them; they become competitive and curious about what the other is doing and who he or she is dating, and they can become saddened by seemingly being replaced so easily. Whatever the circumstances, this is new, uncharted territory that you need to explore in order to adjust and move forward.
Staying Sane Throughout Divorce
As I was divorcing, I went through a kaleidoscope of intense feelings: fear, anger, rage, sadness, guilt, shock, frustration, and relief. I wanted desperately to piece my world back together, but I didn't want to feel the emotions or even to face what had happened in my marriage. My grief and fear manifested itself in anxiety and physical aches and pains. Day after day, week after week, I waited impatiently--and impassively--for my fate to be altered. All I wanted was to feel happy again. When not enough happened, I sank deeper into helplessness, blaming myself for the pain thatmy children and I were feeling. The more helpless I felt, the more I resorted to the blame and shame game and played a victim. It seemed that no one understood what I was going through. It is a mystery to me how the English language can articulate "sad" in three mere letters. In the first year of divorcing, I was so sad, it felt like a country I had to walk through all alone.
What made me feel lonelier still is that everyone felt that they had the right to comment on what I was going through. Much unsolicited advice was given that, although well-intentioned, was absurd and inappropriate. I felt that friends and family didn't really understand what I was going through. How could they? I didn't understand myself.What You May Be Feeling--and What to Do About ItDivorce has become so common today that people underestimate how powerful an experience it truly is. People don't know how to react to divorced people.
When one loses a spouse through death, it is expected that there will be a mourning period, and people are respectful; whereas during divorce, people say things like "you're better off without him" or "I never liked her in the first place" and on and on. These types of comments don't make things betterand can actually make you feel worse. If they only knew all the emotions you were going through, they might not be so flippant.GriefGrief is not a mental disorder; it is a natural, if painful, emotion that must be worked through. Throughout my divorce, though, I would at times get stuck in my grief and feel paralyzed. I would vent and cry about the same issues over and over again. It certainly was not productive. Finally, my good friend said to me (a year after my separation) "you're very difficult to be around these days."
I guess I was releasing a lot of negative energy. No matter how supportive your friends and family are, they will get tired of hearing the same story over and over. If you're still telling that same story a year later, you're stuck. Feelings of sadness are part of a natural grieving process, but you must deal with them in order to move on.Grief presents an opportunity to make important choices and think about the life you want to lead. There is an incredible amount of emotional work and healing that needs to be done when you're grieving, especially during the first year or two of going through divorce.
The emotional healing is hugely important, and the idea of grieving is always there in divorce. It gets to a more basic strategy for dealing with anger, and that is, anger is an easy emotion, it's easy to be mad. It's a safe emotion too. But what you need to do is recognize how you are feeling, and then look beneath that feeling. And beneath the anger, other times there is grief. Other times there is longing, other times there is fear and anxiety.
Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law Dr. Robert E. Emery at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, Virginia
What Does the Grief Look Like?Mourning the loss of a marriage is similar to mourning the loss of a loved one through death, with a significant difference. You don't necessarily have the closure that you do with losing a loved one. If you share children together, then this person, whether you like it or not, is still in your life and a constant reminder of the loss. In dealing with the loss of a loved one, the healing process is a slow and steady upward incline. With divorce it's more like the Rocky Mountains, with emotions hitting many peaks and valleys and many bumps hidden within. You begin to move forward but then the holidays become set-backs, as you find yourself alone or you are no longer part of the annual traditions. A new relationship moves you forward, but if you lose that relationship it becomes another setback. If the legal side of divorce becomes overly stressful, you're set back even further. There is this jagged line going up and down because as you try to get better emotionally, these experiences seem to get in the way.The stages of grieving rarely happen to couples at exactly the same time.
It takes two to marry and only one to divorce. Many times, the decision to separate is made primarily by one person, blindsiding the person who was left. By the time the decision to leave the marriage has finally been communicated, the decision maker may have already grieved the loss of the marriage and is ready to move forward, while the one who was left is in shock and is years behind the other emotionally. So you've got a divorcing couple who are in different emotional states. One person is thinking "let's get this over with," and the other is saying, "whoah, I need to slow down, digest, and regroup."
Grieving during divorce is done individually, not as a couple. While you may think your spouse should be more concerned about how you are feeling, or vice versa, it's everyone for themselves. That can make the transition even more difficult. Not only are you forced to apply rational thought and reason at a time when you can't think straight, but you've quite possibly lost the concern and support of the person you trustedmost. Grieving is a three-part process with each phase having its own intense period of mourning. Each phase occurs in waves--highs and lows--and then gradually tapers off.
1. Love--the opposite of love is indifference. What you want to feel is a diminishing love. If you hate that person, it is still emotionally draining and time consuming.
2. Anger--the revenge, wanting your spouse to pay for this decision.
3. Sadness--thinking, what am I going to do?You are cycling back and forth through these stages.
You are grieving alone, you don't have a partner to grieve with, and you are grieving different losses. This causes you to wonder:Why doesn't he/she understand?Why is he/she so cold?Why is he/she so irrational?Professor of Psychology and Director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law Dr. Robert E. Emery at the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, Virginia
The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice form 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors, and Other Experts (Chicago Review Press, July, 2007)
© 2007 by Deborah Moskovitch
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Children make the difference
OLPC: The best designed notebook in the world
Robin Harris: The One Laptop Per Child is the best-designed notebook computer in the world. It just isn't designed for you. Get over it.
READ FULL STORY
Christopher Dawson: OLPC backlash
Robin Harris: The One Laptop Per Child is the best-designed notebook computer in the world. It just isn't designed for you. Get over it.
READ FULL STORY
Christopher Dawson: OLPC backlash
Monday, December 17, 2007
Family Time Calendar: Get Together - iVillage
Family Time Calendar: Get Together - iVillage: "Family Phone Chain
by Stacia Ragolia
Just a few weeks ago, you may have felt that you had had enough of your extended family. And now, of course, you and the kids are missing them all. It's too expensive to call each and every one of them, but why not use the principle of the game Telephone to get in touch with everyone by having them get in touch with each other.
What you'll need:
Your phone
Your phone book
What you'll do:
Choose one relative to call. After catching up with her, instruct her to call another person in the family, and tell her to pass it on. Eventually, the phone chain will make its way back to you and you can find out what everyone else in the family has been doing!"
by Stacia Ragolia
Just a few weeks ago, you may have felt that you had had enough of your extended family. And now, of course, you and the kids are missing them all. It's too expensive to call each and every one of them, but why not use the principle of the game Telephone to get in touch with everyone by having them get in touch with each other.
What you'll need:
Your phone
Your phone book
What you'll do:
Choose one relative to call. After catching up with her, instruct her to call another person in the family, and tell her to pass it on. Eventually, the phone chain will make its way back to you and you can find out what everyone else in the family has been doing!"
Family Time Calendar: Get Crafty - iVillage
Family Time Calendar: Get Crafty - iVillage: "Winter's winds have left yards and parks littered with twigs, branches, dead leaves and other natural debris. But don't start spring yard cleanup yet. Gather the kids and collect as many twigs as you can find. Twigs are some of nature's free materials for clever crafts.
Try to find straight twigs with bark that's not peeling off. They should be no fatter than a carrot but not thinner than a pencil. If twigs are damp, let them dry before beginning these projects.
To make a twig frame, cut a piece of cardboard at least three or four inches wider than your photograph. Attach the photograph to the cardboard with double-sided tape. Kids can arrange similarly sized twigs around the photograph, snapping the twigs to fit each concentric row. When twigs are arranged tightly, glue them to the cardboard and let them dry thoroughly. Glue small acorns and pinecones on top of the twigs, if desired.
Kids can make a twig sign by arranging twigs to form a name or favorite word. Use hemp cord or unbleached twine to tie the twigs together. An adult can hot-glue the twig letters to a wood board, if desired.
Similarly, kids can arrange twigs into a star shape. Tie together with twine or hold together with hot glue. If desired, they can decorate the star with acrylic or tempera paints.
For a neat lesson, kids can arrange six equal-length twigs into a grid and tie the corners together with twine. Push this miniature trellis into a small houseplant (preferably one with trailing vines) and show kids how to train the vines to crawl up the trellis."
Lets beome creative again and teach self reliance
Try to find straight twigs with bark that's not peeling off. They should be no fatter than a carrot but not thinner than a pencil. If twigs are damp, let them dry before beginning these projects.
To make a twig frame, cut a piece of cardboard at least three or four inches wider than your photograph. Attach the photograph to the cardboard with double-sided tape. Kids can arrange similarly sized twigs around the photograph, snapping the twigs to fit each concentric row. When twigs are arranged tightly, glue them to the cardboard and let them dry thoroughly. Glue small acorns and pinecones on top of the twigs, if desired.
Kids can make a twig sign by arranging twigs to form a name or favorite word. Use hemp cord or unbleached twine to tie the twigs together. An adult can hot-glue the twig letters to a wood board, if desired.
Similarly, kids can arrange twigs into a star shape. Tie together with twine or hold together with hot glue. If desired, they can decorate the star with acrylic or tempera paints.
For a neat lesson, kids can arrange six equal-length twigs into a grid and tie the corners together with twine. Push this miniature trellis into a small houseplant (preferably one with trailing vines) and show kids how to train the vines to crawl up the trellis."
Lets beome creative again and teach self reliance
Finance fitness
Echecks as Compared with Other Forms of Payments Elizabeth Murrow
There are many forms of payment out there that one can use. Most businesses provide all forms of payment options to help attract more customers and for added increase in sales. You can choose from debit cards, credit cards, paper checks, echecks, ACH, Secure Electronic Transaction (SET) or even home banking. Despite the number of payment options out there, not all will be appealing to everyone. Some may prefer the use of debit cards over credit cards, or in some cases, echecks over paper checks. All forms of payment options are as good as the others but a comparison among them can help you decide which one is applicable for you and your needs.
People who are short in cash prefer the use of credit cards. This gives them the option of having cash available whenever they need it. An issuer lends money to the consumer to be paid to the merchant. Credit cardholders are able to revolve their balance at the cost of having interest charged. The use of credit cards also promises secure transactions. However, if you are always short of cash, make sure that you will also be able to pay for the purchases you make using your credit card as you wouldn't want your debt to pile up.
Debit cards, on the other hand, is an alternative method to cash when making purchases. Funds are directly withdrawn or collected from the cardholder's bank account using a PIN. This type of payment method is most commonly used in point-of-sale retail outlets like department stores, groceries and malls. You can also use debit cards to be able to make payments and purchases via phone or online. However, there is a set limit on the amount of money that can be withdrawn or the amount of money that is charged using a debit card. Aside from credit cards and debit cards, another form of payment option that is also widely used is the paper check.
A paper check is a written document directing a bank to pay money. Some banks offer debit cards and checking accounts in one combination. Although paper checks are widely used, some people find it impractical because of the costs involved in processing paper checks. Costs in processing paper checks fall into three categories namely supplies, handling and uncollected checks. Some surveys say that estimates for a lifetime cost of a paper check cycle ranges between $.75 to $3.00 per check. Likewise, paper checks are said to be forgiving of errors. Despite the errors that one can do when processing them, the chances of it getting processed, cleared and settled is still high. Businesses who use paper checks are also able to establish their own criteria in using them. Such criteria may include the need to require identification, use verification or guarantee services and even ship before or after payment.
Another form of payment option is the Automated Clearing House or the ACH. ACH was said to be developed to replace paper checks. When we say ACH, it refers to the name of an electronic network for financial transactions established in the United States. It processes large volumes of both credit and debit card transactions. ACH created a new form of system that includes its own terminology. A new set of business practices and rules were developed to manage transactions made through ACH. The ACH payment system can be used for a variety of options such as payroll deposits, government benefits and tax refunds, local tax payments, e-commerce payments and the like. Today, people are only beginning to get used to the whole ACH system.
Secure Electronic Transactions or SET are defined as a set of protocols used to facilitate credit card transactions over networks such as the Internet. Actually, it is not a payment system, rather, it is a set of security protocols that enable a user to utilize existing credit card payment system on an open network securely. The main purpose of SET is to enable a cardholder to pay for any purchase made from an Internet-based merchant more secure than using a point-of-sale transaction. It involves the cardholder, internet merchant and a payment gateway to facilitate the purchase.
Compared to the payment options mentioned above, home banking hasn't been all that successful. Although businesses offer this option, they are not the ones who directly handle the transactions. They outsource the transactions to notable providers such as Checkfree. Home banking works this way: the consumer gives a payment instruction to a financial institution. The payment instruction is then converted into two transactions namely, removal of funds from the cardholder's account and the payment to the payee.
Last but not the least are the use of electronic checks. More and more businesses nowadays provide echeck transactions. Echecks can be used for almost anything including point-of-sale payments and online business payments. Echecks are also not subject to restrictions as with the use of a credit or debit card. You can also be sure that every transaction you make using an echeck is processed fast and secure. Aside from being able to use it to make payments, echecks can also be used to receive payments. Echecks are also more convenient and low-cost than paper checks. Echecks are simply an online version of the paper check. Everything that you see on a paper check can be seen in an electronic check. Because of this, there is no need for new terminologies. If you have been using paper checks, using electronic checks will never be a problem. Moreover, the use of echecks can sometimes be directly exchanged between parties, eliminating the need for an intermediary. It can also carry substantial information relating directly to the payment. Now that you know the differences between each type of payment option, all you need to do now is analyze each system and choose which one matches your needs and expectations.
======== Elizabeth Murrow currently works for a payment processing solution company. Being in the business for quite a long time now, she has been continuously sharing her knowledge through various lectures and blogging, including http://allaboutecheck.wordpress.com and http://www.echeckprocessing.biz
There is another option and that is a secured debit card- The one world united master card has the benifits of a charge card but you set the limit of spending, it is a debit card but with more control and safety and seurity. More information is availabe for this safe option.
There are many forms of payment out there that one can use. Most businesses provide all forms of payment options to help attract more customers and for added increase in sales. You can choose from debit cards, credit cards, paper checks, echecks, ACH, Secure Electronic Transaction (SET) or even home banking. Despite the number of payment options out there, not all will be appealing to everyone. Some may prefer the use of debit cards over credit cards, or in some cases, echecks over paper checks. All forms of payment options are as good as the others but a comparison among them can help you decide which one is applicable for you and your needs.
People who are short in cash prefer the use of credit cards. This gives them the option of having cash available whenever they need it. An issuer lends money to the consumer to be paid to the merchant. Credit cardholders are able to revolve their balance at the cost of having interest charged. The use of credit cards also promises secure transactions. However, if you are always short of cash, make sure that you will also be able to pay for the purchases you make using your credit card as you wouldn't want your debt to pile up.
Debit cards, on the other hand, is an alternative method to cash when making purchases. Funds are directly withdrawn or collected from the cardholder's bank account using a PIN. This type of payment method is most commonly used in point-of-sale retail outlets like department stores, groceries and malls. You can also use debit cards to be able to make payments and purchases via phone or online. However, there is a set limit on the amount of money that can be withdrawn or the amount of money that is charged using a debit card. Aside from credit cards and debit cards, another form of payment option that is also widely used is the paper check.
A paper check is a written document directing a bank to pay money. Some banks offer debit cards and checking accounts in one combination. Although paper checks are widely used, some people find it impractical because of the costs involved in processing paper checks. Costs in processing paper checks fall into three categories namely supplies, handling and uncollected checks. Some surveys say that estimates for a lifetime cost of a paper check cycle ranges between $.75 to $3.00 per check. Likewise, paper checks are said to be forgiving of errors. Despite the errors that one can do when processing them, the chances of it getting processed, cleared and settled is still high. Businesses who use paper checks are also able to establish their own criteria in using them. Such criteria may include the need to require identification, use verification or guarantee services and even ship before or after payment.
Another form of payment option is the Automated Clearing House or the ACH. ACH was said to be developed to replace paper checks. When we say ACH, it refers to the name of an electronic network for financial transactions established in the United States. It processes large volumes of both credit and debit card transactions. ACH created a new form of system that includes its own terminology. A new set of business practices and rules were developed to manage transactions made through ACH. The ACH payment system can be used for a variety of options such as payroll deposits, government benefits and tax refunds, local tax payments, e-commerce payments and the like. Today, people are only beginning to get used to the whole ACH system.
Secure Electronic Transactions or SET are defined as a set of protocols used to facilitate credit card transactions over networks such as the Internet. Actually, it is not a payment system, rather, it is a set of security protocols that enable a user to utilize existing credit card payment system on an open network securely. The main purpose of SET is to enable a cardholder to pay for any purchase made from an Internet-based merchant more secure than using a point-of-sale transaction. It involves the cardholder, internet merchant and a payment gateway to facilitate the purchase.
Compared to the payment options mentioned above, home banking hasn't been all that successful. Although businesses offer this option, they are not the ones who directly handle the transactions. They outsource the transactions to notable providers such as Checkfree. Home banking works this way: the consumer gives a payment instruction to a financial institution. The payment instruction is then converted into two transactions namely, removal of funds from the cardholder's account and the payment to the payee.
Last but not the least are the use of electronic checks. More and more businesses nowadays provide echeck transactions. Echecks can be used for almost anything including point-of-sale payments and online business payments. Echecks are also not subject to restrictions as with the use of a credit or debit card. You can also be sure that every transaction you make using an echeck is processed fast and secure. Aside from being able to use it to make payments, echecks can also be used to receive payments. Echecks are also more convenient and low-cost than paper checks. Echecks are simply an online version of the paper check. Everything that you see on a paper check can be seen in an electronic check. Because of this, there is no need for new terminologies. If you have been using paper checks, using electronic checks will never be a problem. Moreover, the use of echecks can sometimes be directly exchanged between parties, eliminating the need for an intermediary. It can also carry substantial information relating directly to the payment. Now that you know the differences between each type of payment option, all you need to do now is analyze each system and choose which one matches your needs and expectations.
======== Elizabeth Murrow currently works for a payment processing solution company. Being in the business for quite a long time now, she has been continuously sharing her knowledge through various lectures and blogging, including http://allaboutecheck.wordpress.com and http://www.echeckprocessing.biz
There is another option and that is a secured debit card- The one world united master card has the benifits of a charge card but you set the limit of spending, it is a debit card but with more control and safety and seurity. More information is availabe for this safe option.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Things not to recycle - rubber with germs form china
"Things NOT to recycle
If the 21st century is truly destined to be 'The Chinese Century' as so many trend experts predict, we're in for a fairly disgusting and unhygienic hundred years. This little item should give you an idea of why.
Apparently, the future masters of planet Earth are recycling used condoms, and re- purposing them as cheap hair bands. Yes, you read that right: the Chinese are re-using CONDOMS as fashion items.
If you want to take a moment to go to the restroom and vomit, I'll wait.
This report comes from the Chinese state-run media, and should come as no surprise to anyone who's been following the recent spate of dangerous Chinese imports like lead- paint toys and toxic toothpaste that have found their way into American households. These hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons throughout southern China.
The fact that they sell for three cents for a bag of 10 probably accounts for their popularity. So they're saving some money – but at what cost? The condoms may still contain bacteria and viruses in spite of the fact that they've been recycled.
Excuse me. My turn to run to the bathroom.
Reporting all the gory details,
William Campbell Douglass II, M.D."
If the 21st century is truly destined to be 'The Chinese Century' as so many trend experts predict, we're in for a fairly disgusting and unhygienic hundred years. This little item should give you an idea of why.
Apparently, the future masters of planet Earth are recycling used condoms, and re- purposing them as cheap hair bands. Yes, you read that right: the Chinese are re-using CONDOMS as fashion items.
If you want to take a moment to go to the restroom and vomit, I'll wait.
This report comes from the Chinese state-run media, and should come as no surprise to anyone who's been following the recent spate of dangerous Chinese imports like lead- paint toys and toxic toothpaste that have found their way into American households. These hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons throughout southern China.
The fact that they sell for three cents for a bag of 10 probably accounts for their popularity. So they're saving some money – but at what cost? The condoms may still contain bacteria and viruses in spite of the fact that they've been recycled.
Excuse me. My turn to run to the bathroom.
Reporting all the gory details,
William Campbell Douglass II, M.D."
Things not to recycle - rubber with germs form china
"Things NOT to recycle
If the 21st century is truly destined to be 'The Chinese Century' as so many trend experts predict, we're in for a fairly disgusting and unhygienic hundred years. This little item should give you an idea of why.
Apparently, the future masters of planet Earth are recycling used condoms, and re- purposing them as cheap hair bands. Yes, you read that right: the Chinese are re-using CONDOMS as fashion items.
If you want to take a moment to go to the restroom and vomit, I'll wait.
This report comes from the Chinese state-run media, and should come as no surprise to anyone who's been following the recent spate of dangerous Chinese imports like lead- paint toys and toxic toothpaste that have found their way into American households. These hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons throughout southern China.
The fact that they sell for three cents for a bag of 10 probably accounts for their popularity. So they're saving some money – but at what cost? The condoms may still contain bacteria and viruses in spite of the fact that they've been recycled.
Excuse me. My turn to run to the bathroom.
Reporting all the gory details,
William Campbell Douglass II, M.D."
If the 21st century is truly destined to be 'The Chinese Century' as so many trend experts predict, we're in for a fairly disgusting and unhygienic hundred years. This little item should give you an idea of why.
Apparently, the future masters of planet Earth are recycling used condoms, and re- purposing them as cheap hair bands. Yes, you read that right: the Chinese are re-using CONDOMS as fashion items.
If you want to take a moment to go to the restroom and vomit, I'll wait.
This report comes from the Chinese state-run media, and should come as no surprise to anyone who's been following the recent spate of dangerous Chinese imports like lead- paint toys and toxic toothpaste that have found their way into American households. These hair bands have been found in local markets and beauty salons throughout southern China.
The fact that they sell for three cents for a bag of 10 probably accounts for their popularity. So they're saving some money – but at what cost? The condoms may still contain bacteria and viruses in spite of the fact that they've been recycled.
Excuse me. My turn to run to the bathroom.
Reporting all the gory details,
William Campbell Douglass II, M.D."
The 5 users you meet in hell (and one you'll find in heaven)
Relationships in business are like personal relationships. Having just been savaged by an essential monopoly such as a vampire telephone monopoly of Emily persuasion you get angry. Having wasted huge amounts of money and time with minor results is always frustrating .
Foolishly you lash out at those closest at hand . Bad idea -use that energy against your tormentors not your friends and allies. The moral of the story is to torment the tormentors not your allies . mvi
The 5 users you meet in hell (and one you'll find in heaven): "The 5 users you meet in hell (and one you'll find in heaven)
Lisa DiCarlo
December 12, 2007 (Computerworld) Ah, end users. We sure do love them. Why, most of us wouldn't have jobs without them. But that doesn't mean users don't drive IT crazy sometimes, or maybe most of the time.
Just as a zookeeper cares for his monkeys one way and his rhinos another (we kid -- sort of), so too should IT tailor its responses to fit the individual styles of its end users, support managers say.
One thing's for certain: Cordial or otherwise, interaction between support staff and end users is only expected to rise. Demand for IT support services continues to increase as new systems and applications are implemented, according to a 2006 survey by Supportindustry.com, which provides research and trend data to the customer support and help desk industries.
At the same time, some 43% of survey respondents said their budgets were either being cut or staying put -- meaning it's a fair assumption that IT help desks are stretched pretty thin these days. And that pressure only adds to an already demanding, difficult and sometimes thankless job.
A rogue's gallery of users (and one angel)
The Know-It-All
The Know-Nothing
Mr. Entitlement
The Finger-Pointer
The Twentysomething Whiz Kid
The Dream User"
Foolishly you lash out at those closest at hand . Bad idea -use that energy against your tormentors not your friends and allies. The moral of the story is to torment the tormentors not your allies . mvi
The 5 users you meet in hell (and one you'll find in heaven): "The 5 users you meet in hell (and one you'll find in heaven)
Lisa DiCarlo
December 12, 2007 (Computerworld) Ah, end users. We sure do love them. Why, most of us wouldn't have jobs without them. But that doesn't mean users don't drive IT crazy sometimes, or maybe most of the time.
Just as a zookeeper cares for his monkeys one way and his rhinos another (we kid -- sort of), so too should IT tailor its responses to fit the individual styles of its end users, support managers say.
One thing's for certain: Cordial or otherwise, interaction between support staff and end users is only expected to rise. Demand for IT support services continues to increase as new systems and applications are implemented, according to a 2006 survey by Supportindustry.com, which provides research and trend data to the customer support and help desk industries.
At the same time, some 43% of survey respondents said their budgets were either being cut or staying put -- meaning it's a fair assumption that IT help desks are stretched pretty thin these days. And that pressure only adds to an already demanding, difficult and sometimes thankless job.
A rogue's gallery of users (and one angel)
The Know-It-All
The Know-Nothing
Mr. Entitlement
The Finger-Pointer
The Twentysomething Whiz Kid
The Dream User"
Monday, December 10, 2007
Bring back the real Christmas by giving
This is a useful insight as to how to make a real difference by giving of yourself. Start by helping someone rather then braving the commercial malls and stressing yourself out for no good reason . MVI Really help someone in need do not support the commercial greed so stressful and un hristmas like. Giving is healing and better then receiving as the saying goes.
Thanks & Giving: All Year Long by Marlo Thomas and Friends.
"Include your children when you're talking about giving to charity. Bringing kids into the discussion shows them that we're all in this together."
‑‑Donald Trump
Keep three piggy banks in your room instead of just one. Then divide your money (whether it's your allowance, or a gift, or a reward for a chore you've done) this way:
• Piggy Bank #1: for spending on something to buy today (a CD?)
• Piggy Bank #2: for saving up for something expensive you really want (a bike?)
• Piggy Bank #3: for giving to help something you care about (the rain forest?)
"My father didn't have that much money, but he was a generous person. He taught me that if you don't have money, you can always give time."
‑‑Ted Turner
Turn your favorite hobby into an act of giving.
• Do you enjoy riding your bike? Then volunteer to deliver groceries to someone in your neighborhood who is housebound.
• Do you like working outdoors? Why not help an elderly neighbor weed her garden?
• Are you a born performer? Put on a show in your backyard to raise money for an after-school program.
"I believe that children who have a lot should think about kids who don't have as much. Children learn by watching their parents. We can teach them how to be generous."
‑‑Barry Diller
Next time Mom and Dad say to you, "What would you like for your birthday?" ask them if one present could be a contribution to a place where you can help make a difference. For example:
• An animal shelter
• The local science museum
• A place you think of
"Ask your children to make a pile of all the stuff they no longer use. Tell them how much it all cost and what new things they could buy with that amount of money. This will help them begin to understand the real value of a dollar."
‑‑Suze Orman
"Children should learn that there's more to life than ‑- you'll excuse the business term ‑- the bottom line. I was raised to believe that for everything you're given, there's always something to give back."
‑‑Sumner Redstone
Whenever you see something that makes you sad, don't get blue ‑- get busy.
• If you feel bad about people who are homeless, find out where the nearest shelter is and volunteer.
• If you know a child who uses a wheelchair, offer to help that child find easy ways to get to places he or she would like to go.
• If you've outgrown some of your favorite stuff ‑- clothing, toys, books ‑- find a place in your neighborhood that collects things for kids who can use it.
"Teaching a child to learn to give is like teaching someone a song ‑- you have to sing it for them first. We need to set the example. And if we're lucky, our kids will bring beautiful music into the world."
‑‑David Geffen
Whenever you see someone give time or money to help others, join in.
• If Mom is donating money to a cause, ask her whom it's for and how the money will help. Learn all about it.
• If Dad is lending his time to a local soup kitchen, tag along and tie on an apron. (Kids are allowed!)
• Log on to the internet. You're only a point-and-click away from finding out how to help a group whose work means something really special to you.
"Stay away from credit cards. If I had borrowed money at 18 percent when I was young, I'd be in the poorhouse now."
‑‑Warren E. Buffett
Excerpted from Thanks & Giving: All Year Long by Marlo Thomas and Friends. Copyright © 2004 by Thanks & Giving, LLC.
Thanks & Giving: All Year Long by Marlo Thomas and Friends.
"Include your children when you're talking about giving to charity. Bringing kids into the discussion shows them that we're all in this together."
‑‑Donald Trump
Keep three piggy banks in your room instead of just one. Then divide your money (whether it's your allowance, or a gift, or a reward for a chore you've done) this way:
• Piggy Bank #1: for spending on something to buy today (a CD?)
• Piggy Bank #2: for saving up for something expensive you really want (a bike?)
• Piggy Bank #3: for giving to help something you care about (the rain forest?)
"My father didn't have that much money, but he was a generous person. He taught me that if you don't have money, you can always give time."
‑‑Ted Turner
Turn your favorite hobby into an act of giving.
• Do you enjoy riding your bike? Then volunteer to deliver groceries to someone in your neighborhood who is housebound.
• Do you like working outdoors? Why not help an elderly neighbor weed her garden?
• Are you a born performer? Put on a show in your backyard to raise money for an after-school program.
"I believe that children who have a lot should think about kids who don't have as much. Children learn by watching their parents. We can teach them how to be generous."
‑‑Barry Diller
Next time Mom and Dad say to you, "What would you like for your birthday?" ask them if one present could be a contribution to a place where you can help make a difference. For example:
• An animal shelter
• The local science museum
• A place you think of
"Ask your children to make a pile of all the stuff they no longer use. Tell them how much it all cost and what new things they could buy with that amount of money. This will help them begin to understand the real value of a dollar."
‑‑Suze Orman
"Children should learn that there's more to life than ‑- you'll excuse the business term ‑- the bottom line. I was raised to believe that for everything you're given, there's always something to give back."
‑‑Sumner Redstone
Whenever you see something that makes you sad, don't get blue ‑- get busy.
• If you feel bad about people who are homeless, find out where the nearest shelter is and volunteer.
• If you know a child who uses a wheelchair, offer to help that child find easy ways to get to places he or she would like to go.
• If you've outgrown some of your favorite stuff ‑- clothing, toys, books ‑- find a place in your neighborhood that collects things for kids who can use it.
"Teaching a child to learn to give is like teaching someone a song ‑- you have to sing it for them first. We need to set the example. And if we're lucky, our kids will bring beautiful music into the world."
‑‑David Geffen
Whenever you see someone give time or money to help others, join in.
• If Mom is donating money to a cause, ask her whom it's for and how the money will help. Learn all about it.
• If Dad is lending his time to a local soup kitchen, tag along and tie on an apron. (Kids are allowed!)
• Log on to the internet. You're only a point-and-click away from finding out how to help a group whose work means something really special to you.
"Stay away from credit cards. If I had borrowed money at 18 percent when I was young, I'd be in the poorhouse now."
‑‑Warren E. Buffett
Excerpted from Thanks & Giving: All Year Long by Marlo Thomas and Friends. Copyright © 2004 by Thanks & Giving, LLC.
Simplify your finances
Online Checking Account, Bank Account, Internet, Pay Bills
useful information on the advantges of online checking accounts
1.The biggest advantage of online checking account is that you need not stand in a queue any more. Everything can be done right from the comfort of your home. You can do banking while sitting in front of your computer. There is no need to plan your daily schedule days ahead and considering that we are talking about a checking account in which case the payments need to be paid regularly, elimination of the need to visit the bank every time means a lot of time saving.
2. Another advantage of an online checking account is that the chances of fraud are way less. The entire process of online banking takes place under cloaks of heavy duty encryption. This means that the chances of forged checks or that of any other way of fraud become extremely low. You can be confident while writing checks.
3.Third advantage is that an online checking account is a much better option to make payments for your online purchases as compared to credit or wire transfer. You are not sharing crucial information like that of your credit card. Rather you are just writing a check just like in any traditional transaction. This means that an online checking account keeps you safe yet allows you to take advantage offered by online trading.
4.Fourth advantage of online checking account is that you can easily pay your bills and taxes. Most of the online checking accounts come with a facility that clears all your bills automatically as soon as they are pinged to your account. It is possible to make payments towards some of your taxes as well using the same bill pay service.
If you do not have a on line account you can also use your own secured master card debit card The One World United is a great option for you. For more information
Friday, December 07, 2007
Health Tip: Dressing for Warmth - Health and Medical Information Produced by Doctors - MedicineNet.com
Health Tip: Dressing for Warmth - Health and Medical Information Produced by Doctors - MedicineNet.com: "Health Tip: Dressing for Warmth (HealthDay News) - During the cold winter months, it's important to protect your skin from frostbite, chapping and drying. Dressing warmly and wisely can help keep you warm and spare your skin. Latest MedicineNet News Health Tip: Buying Athletic Shoes In-the-Field Facial Surgery Helps Injured Troops Experts Issue Guidelines on Diagnosing Seizure Rejuvenated Skin Cells Make Stem Cells Health Highlights: Oct. 18, 2007 The New York City Office of Emergency Management offers these suggestions before heading outdoors this winter: Retain body heat by keeping your head warm. Wear a scarf, hood or hat. Dress in layers to insulate yourself, and to make it easier to cool down if you get too warm. Use gloves, scarves, hats and earmuffs to keep extremities warm. Be especially sure to cover your ears, nose and fingers. Remove any clothing that gets wet, as it will only make you colder."
Vanity and not being properly dressed for the occasion can lead to misery -Don't you wonder why people -particularly youner ones are literally" cool" beause they do not dress for the season . MVI
Vanity and not being properly dressed for the occasion can lead to misery -Don't you wonder why people -particularly youner ones are literally" cool" beause they do not dress for the season . MVI
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
From a male marriage and relationship guru targeting our readers
Amazingly -this came from an advertiser ( check the bottom of the blog and click) on this Venusian site obviously targeted against our female readers and sensitively supported by our male readers.Wow can relationships be that simple- particularly profound is why men do not listen and why female support is not necessarily effective.
The pitch-How to Be the Woman Men Adore ... and Never Want to Leave
Have you ever met the kind of woman ...
The pitch-How to Be the Woman Men Adore ... and Never Want to Leave
Have you ever met the kind of woman ...
- that men fall hopelessly in love with
- with whom men want to spend all their time
- whom men want to please and do anything for
- who brings out the romantic and passionate side of a man; and
to whom men want to give everything?
What special quality, trait, or personality does this woman have that attracts men like a magnet, makes men powerless in her hands, and makes them want to spend their lives with her?
I've personally met many women like this -- and here's the startling observation I've made: These women are not necessarily the most beautiful, the tallest, the smartest, the one with the most gorgeous hair, sexy legs or the most ample breasts, as one might think!
A look back in history reveals the likes of ...
... a divorcée (shocking in those days), Wallis Simpson, for whom the Duke of Windsor abdicated the throne of England;
... the early-twentieth-century French writer Colette (described as having
a "frightful" appearance), who managed to have numerous male conquests;
... Martha Gellhorn, the plain-looking scholar for whom Ernest Hemingway
became love-sick and never recovered;
... Mumtaz, for whom the Emperor Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal;
... and the women throughout history who have won the hearts of Princes and Kings.
These women know the secret to creating magic with men. And here's the good news for you -- if you're like most women who struggle with relationship challenges. The ability to create magic with men is NOT really magic at all. It’s a skill which can be learned by any woman -- and that includes you!
Before I tell you how to acquire that secret skill (which already resides inside you, though dormant), let me ask you a question:
Why Do Most Women Struggle in Their Relationships with Men?
There are many reasons why women have relationship challenges, but as I mentioned before, the main reason is that women simply don't understand men. If a woman really understood men, she'd know how to effortlessly attract men like a magnet, make men powerless in her hands, have them fall in love with her, and give her everything her heart desires.
The main obstacle women face in their effort to understand men is that they turn to all the wrong things: They seek advice from their friends, and they rely on relationship advice from women's magazines.
By all means, seek the listening ear of a friend if you simply want to unburden -- and if talking to your friend makes you feel better. But always remember that talking to your friends results in deeper and better friendships with your friends -- but does little to improve your relationships with men.
Everything You Ever Learned About How to Attract and Keep a Man
is Wrong!
What if I told you that you could make a man adore you just by being yourself?
Yes, you don't have to be anything but yourself. There's just one condition. You also have to understand what a man wants.
Will Giving a Man What He Wants Get You What You Want?
My answer is a resounding "Yes!"
Here's the big secret. Men want to be enraptured by a woman. They may not admit it openly, but they want to be lured, finessed, bewitched, possessed and seduced by a woman -- and they don't mind surrendering to her siren maneuverings and be rendered powerless by her. A man would gladly give anything to the woman who can make him feel good.
Unfortunately, most women simply don't know how to make a man feel good. Believe it or not, the majority of women have the mistaken notion that learning a few sexual tricks and bedroom stunts from Cosmo and the Kama Sutra, or cooking him sumptuous meals "better than Mama ever made" ought to do the trick -- and their man would stay devoted to them forever.
That's an outdated mode of thinking derived from the old wives' tale that says "The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach" -- or his crotch, in most instances. If that were true, then sex therapists, prostitutes and professional chefs would have the best marriages, wouldn't they?
There's so much more to making a man feel good than meets the eye.
"Seduction" is 99% Mental Skills
While a woman's sexual skills and good cooking are always appreciated by men, seduction is 99% mental power. Over the years, I've wanted to teach this and other powerful relationship principles to more than just the female clients who are able to travel to my office in Georgia for relationship counseling.
So I devised a way to share my relationship principles so that women all over the world can learn to understand men and develop successful relationships with them – no matter where they live! So I've written a 119-page e-book titled The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want to Leave, wherein I reveal all the details of how you can entice a man, make him fall in love with you, and give you the world -- just by using closely guarded secrets that I've compiled over the last 17 years.
For example, on page 110, I reveal a very powerful technique that every woman (who wants to know how to inspire her man to consistently search for ways to please her) can use. It works like a charm. All you have to do is say 3 sentences to him -- I give the exact word-for-word "script". Once you say those words, it's like effortlessly casting a spell over him. He won't be able to get you off his mind -- and will look for every opportunity to please you.
Wouldn't you want to know what those 3 sentences are?
And if you think that's exciting, wait till you see all the other mouth-watering secrets I reveal in The Woman Men Adore...and Never Want to Leave. Take a sneak peek below:
5 things men crave that women don't know about -- Nothing in the world is more exhilarating for a man than these -- and if you give them to him, you'll have his undying devotion. (See pages 106-110)
The main reason why men choose to get married (or stay married) to a particular woman. This can be summed up in 5 words. Carve these words in your heart and never forget them. (See page 20)
The powerful ability a woman possesses that causes men to be interested in her -- even if she isn’t the tallest, smartest, or the most beautiful woman around. Not even looks, sex appeal, money, power, or prestige rate as high as this ability when it comes to making yourself irresistible to men -- and you can easily have it with a little practice. (See page 33)
Do you know what's the No. 1 "man repellant" in existence? Ignore this and you'll make him feel incapable of being your hero. This could very well be a major reason as to why "he's just not that into you." (See page 27)
How to speak in a way that hypnotizes a man into feeling safe so that he'll allow you to influence him with no resistance. (See page 16)
How to be yourself and still be loved by a man – I'll show you how to find the courage to be imperfect and be loved in spite of it -- and teach you how to remove the “layers’ that keep a man from knowing and loving you. (See page 64)
Pinpoint exactly what you’re doing that makes men NOT want to be close to you. How to tell if you're unknowingly sending off a signal that says "You can only get this close, and that's it." (See page 8)
How to make a man do what you want him to do – and make him think it was his idea! (See page 23).
How to influence or shape your man's opinion with the power of words -- even if he doesn’t see the need to change. How you influence him will affect his behavior toward you -- for better or for worse. (See page 97)
Discover the secret to making a man feel understood by you. Master this secret and you can ask your man for almost anything, and he’d be willing to give it. (See page 94)
How to use your femininity to disarm a man, break down his defenses -- and turn him into a caring and sensitive man you've always wanted. (See page 32)
How to master the art of perfect timing to get what you want in a relationship. (See pages 94-96)
Why you should not compete with your man -- and when to allow your man to be your superior. Even when you're capable of being his equal, trying to be his equal in certain areas will drive him away, and won’t lead to the intimacy you crave. (See page 73)
How to use your innate feminine power to make a man powerless to resist you. This is what separates women that men fall in love with from those that men ignore and take for granted. (See page 15)
The things a woman does that makes a man shut down and feel alienated from her. If you're doing these things, you may be sabotaging your relationship. (See page 34)
The kiss of death in a relationship -- and how to avoid it. (See page 96)
The ultimate secret that will give you more influence with men than you've ever imagined. This might sound silly -- but it works like magic when it comes to persuading men to your way of thinking. (See page 78)
The part of your body that serves as a strong elixir, which men want to be held captive to. No, it's not your breasts, legs or derrière. Use this part of your body to the hilt and you'll have him wrapped around your little finger. (See page 109)
How to make a man feel cherished by you, and as a result, he will want to spend more time with you and want to be around you more. (See page 94)
Why some women drive away good men or continually pick losers – How to tell the difference between impulses and feelings, so that you'll never again allow the intensity of impulses guide you to a poor choice in men. (See page 38)
How to be strong by being vulnerable - Women who know how to use vulnerability as a relationship device are always astonished by the impact they make on a man. (See page 10)
How to determine if you have “barbed wire around your heart” – and how to let that defensive weapon down and allow a man to love you. (See page 51-53)
How to take advantage of a man's natural predisposition to make him do everything possible to make you happy. (See page 72)
What do men really find attractive about a woman? A survey of hundreds of men reveals that it's not a woman's breasts, legs or derrière that they always consider more attractive. It's something you already have, and when you crank it up to mega-watt brilliance, you'll maximize your sex appeal. (See pages 33-34)
The No. 1 problem that couples face. This problem is like a cancer that permeates all other areas of your life -- and I show you 3 ways to overcome it. (See page 45)
Why Men Don’t Listen – The "Reflective Listening" technique you can do that will make a man eagerly listen to what you’re saying as if it were pure gold. (Page 103)
The 4 words that all women should memorize in order to have successful relationships with men. These words point to a fundamental difference between men and women that you must never forget. (See page 14)
The "Truth List" Exercise - A magical technique for uncovering the special qualities that men (and people in general) find attractive in you. This will enable you to allow those qualities to surface -- thereby boosting your confidence along the way. Men find confidence absolutely sexy! (See pages 61-62)
How not to let your past hurts sabotage your chance of having successful relationships. (See page 52)
Adversity builds character or new energy
use it or lose it -right
Adversity Builds Character (But I Prefer the View from the Top)
by Donald J. Trump
The issue of Inside Trump Tower that you will receive in two weeks will be our 100th issue! As always, it will be packed with good advice - and for that issue, a choice selection of a few popular articles from the past. To start that process today, we are proud to reprint this great article by our Chairman Donald J. Trump that first appeared on the Trump Blog in June 2005.
My greatest respect is for people who have experienced adversity and then come back. I was one of those people, in the early nineties. I went through a tough period and learned a lot about myself, and then came back bigger and better and stronger. It wasn't unlike what happened to Frank Sinatra in the early fifties. Like me, he lost focus. He took his eye off the ball and he made some bad decisions. (Also like me, it was the fairer sex that had a little something to do with his troubles, but that's another story for another time.)
There's a wonderful story in Sammy Davis Jr.'s book, Yes I Can. In this story Sammy, who is on the way up (due in no small part to Sinatra's patronage), sees Frank walking down Broadway all by himself, looking utterly dejected. At the time, Frank was on the skids, having gone from being the biggest singer ever known to a laughingstock, reduced to singing novelty songs.
It's a familiar scenario to me, because one night at 3:00 A.M., when I was more than $9 billion in debt, I was summoned to Citibank for a conference call with a bevy of international bankers to whom I owed money. It was pouring rain and I couldn't get a cab, so I had to walk to the bank, 15 blocks from Trump Tower. By the time I got there I was soaked. I felt then like I had reached my lowest point. But we worked things out, and the rest, as they say, is history. They also say it's darkest before the dawn. You know what I say: Never ever give up.
Adversity Builds Character (But I Prefer the View from the Top)
by Donald J. Trump
The issue of Inside Trump Tower that you will receive in two weeks will be our 100th issue! As always, it will be packed with good advice - and for that issue, a choice selection of a few popular articles from the past. To start that process today, we are proud to reprint this great article by our Chairman Donald J. Trump that first appeared on the Trump Blog in June 2005.
My greatest respect is for people who have experienced adversity and then come back. I was one of those people, in the early nineties. I went through a tough period and learned a lot about myself, and then came back bigger and better and stronger. It wasn't unlike what happened to Frank Sinatra in the early fifties. Like me, he lost focus. He took his eye off the ball and he made some bad decisions. (Also like me, it was the fairer sex that had a little something to do with his troubles, but that's another story for another time.)
There's a wonderful story in Sammy Davis Jr.'s book, Yes I Can. In this story Sammy, who is on the way up (due in no small part to Sinatra's patronage), sees Frank walking down Broadway all by himself, looking utterly dejected. At the time, Frank was on the skids, having gone from being the biggest singer ever known to a laughingstock, reduced to singing novelty songs.
It's a familiar scenario to me, because one night at 3:00 A.M., when I was more than $9 billion in debt, I was summoned to Citibank for a conference call with a bevy of international bankers to whom I owed money. It was pouring rain and I couldn't get a cab, so I had to walk to the bank, 15 blocks from Trump Tower. By the time I got there I was soaked. I felt then like I had reached my lowest point. But we worked things out, and the rest, as they say, is history. They also say it's darkest before the dawn. You know what I say: Never ever give up.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Six Ways Men Can Make Their Marriages Much Happier
Six Ways Men Can Make Their Marriages Much Happier Scott Haltzman, MD Brown University
Men often are told that to improve their marriages, they must share their hopes and fears with their wives and become more emotionally connected -- in short, that they must behave in ways that are totally unnatural for the average man.
Good news: There are steps men can take that will make their marriages happier but still let them be themselves...
1. Treat your wife like a business client. Many men say they don't know what's expected of them in romantic relationships -- yet the same men know what to do in business relationships. The two aren't as different as you might think.
If a client made you unhappy, you wouldn't fight with him/her. Instead, you would try to smooth things out. If this client made a crucial error, you would not criticize him -- you would try to help him recover. Overall, you would try to understand who your client is, what his goals are and how you can help him succeed.
Treat your wife like this, and you won't go too far wrong. Of course, don't tell her you're treating her like a client. Just do it!
2. Forget the golden rule. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" isn't the best advice for married men. When we treat our wives as we would like to be treated, we ignore the fact that our wives are quite different from us.
Forget whatever you think you know about what makes people happy, and observe your wife for a while. What does she really appreciate? What are her deepest interests and goals? Have your past gifts and gestures of love been on target? You might not have to work much harder to make your wife happier -- you might just have to stop doing things that you would appreciate if someone did them for you and start doing things she will appreciate.
Example: Buy her a greeting card when there's no special occasion, and inside write how much you love her and need her. Leave the card someplace she will stumble on it unexpectedly. Such a gesture would mean little to the average husband but lots to the average wife.
3. Do more than say "I'm sorry." A single "I'm sorry" won't balance the scales when you say something critical of your wife... dismiss her ideas or her feelings... or make her feel ignored. It will most likely take five positive interactions for every negative one before you're back to par.
According to research by the Gottman Institute, a Seattle-based couples therapy organization, marriages tend to be happy when spouses -- wives as well as husbands -- interact with each other in a positive manner at least five times as often as they interact in a negative manner. Positive interactions might include paying her compliments, saying, "Thank you" or "I love you," offering to do something for her, holding her hand or paying attention to her.
4. Master the makeup. The happiness of your marriage is not determined by whether you fight -- all couples do. It's determined by how well you patch things up afterward. Wait until you cool down -- that typically takes about 20 minutes -- then make a peace offering. Bring her a cup of tea... say you're sorry you argued... or tell her that you love her. Such gestures generally help couples get past the fight fast and back to the happy marriage.
Helpful: Makeups are easier if you avoid the four mistakes that turn arguments into lingering problems -- criticizing, showing contempt, acting defensive and stonewalling (shutting down when your partner reaches out to you).
5. Seek your wife's opinion. Wives often feel that they don't have an equal voice in the decision-making. As far as most husbands are concerned, the issue isn't who is making the decisions, but whether the correct decisions are being made. Still, you can make your married life happier if you seek your wife's approval on your ideas, even when you believe you're right. Who knows? Maybe she is right. Don't dismiss her opinion out of hand -- even when it isn't feasible. Instead, say something positive about the idea, then later express disappointment if together you "discover" that it won't work.
Example: She wants to fly across the country to visit your daughter next month. You know the trip won't fit into your budget. Rather than tell her no and invite her anger, establish that you're on her side. Say something like, "I always love to see our daughter. Let's see if we can afford it." Together, review the family's finances, and let her make the decision that you can't afford to go -- or perhaps she'll think of a clever way so that you can afford it.
6. Do some cleaning. Most wives think their husbands should help more with housework. Many husbands think they do so much work around the yard and with the car that housework isn't their responsibility. Who's right? Studies by University of Michigan Institute for Social Research show that husbands are. When work hours both inside and outside the home are added up, even husbands who don't help with the cleaning often put in about as many hours of effort as their wives.
Unfortunately, if you try to argue this point, you're sure to lose. You can either spend your life bickering about whether you get enough credit for your contributions -- working long hours at the office, tending the lawn and handling the car repairs -- or you can do some housework and have a happier marriage. To make your wife really happy, figure out which household task is her least favorite and do it without being asked.
Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, Providence. He is a psychiatrist in private practice in Barrington, Rhode Island, and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever (Jossey-Bass). www.drscott.com
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Comment by MVI As a man inundated with requests to be more sensitive , the above advice makes sense.
Happiness is a trade off . The key is to be happy in your relationship not righteous and miserable because your partner thinks you are insensitive to her needs.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another useful tip
How to Find Lost Objects -- Fast Michael Solomon
One of life's persistent aggravations is misplacing everyday objects, such as keys, cell phones and reading glasses. You wind up wasting time ransacking the house in a frenetic search. Michael Solomon has studied how things get lost and how best to find them. His strategies...
Identify the Eureka Zone. The majority of lost objects tend to travel no more than 18 inches from their last known locations. I call this the Eureka Zone. Examples: A pencil that has rolled beneath your computer. Eyeglasses hidden under today's newspaper.
Whenever I lose something, I explore the Eureka Zone meticulously.
"Lose" another object. If you happen to drop and lose sight of an object that has one or more identical counterparts (such as a screw or an earring), try purposely dropping a second one and watching where it goes. This gives you an estimated radius for how far the first object might have rolled or bounced.
Make sure you are not staring right at it. When you're feeling rushed and agitated, your vision literally narrows. This is why your spouse or a friend often finds the lost object as soon as he/she joins in the search. You can improve your focus by taking a few deep breaths and repeating to yourself the name of the lost object over and over -- "car keys, car keys, car keys" -- which keeps you from becoming distracted from the task at hand.
Also, the object may look different than you imagine. Example: My friend couldn't find a hardcover book that he needed. We searched his apartment in vain until I grew suspicious of his description and began to examine the paperbacks on his bookshelf. There was the book, a paperback, in plain sight.
Check whether you've substituted one routine motion for another. Instead of being where it's supposed to be, your object may be where something else is supposed to be. This often happens in the kitchen. Example: You normally keep scissors in a jar on the kitchen counter, but you mindlessly returned them to the tool drawer.
It's also a problem when filing items. Example: You file your Bruce Springsteen CD under "B," instead of "S."
See if the object has been borrowed. Is it something that your spouse or your coworkers may have used since the last time you saw it? Ask before you drive yourself crazy looking.
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Men often are told that to improve their marriages, they must share their hopes and fears with their wives and become more emotionally connected -- in short, that they must behave in ways that are totally unnatural for the average man.
Good news: There are steps men can take that will make their marriages happier but still let them be themselves...
1. Treat your wife like a business client. Many men say they don't know what's expected of them in romantic relationships -- yet the same men know what to do in business relationships. The two aren't as different as you might think.
If a client made you unhappy, you wouldn't fight with him/her. Instead, you would try to smooth things out. If this client made a crucial error, you would not criticize him -- you would try to help him recover. Overall, you would try to understand who your client is, what his goals are and how you can help him succeed.
Treat your wife like this, and you won't go too far wrong. Of course, don't tell her you're treating her like a client. Just do it!
2. Forget the golden rule. "Do to others as you would have them do to you" isn't the best advice for married men. When we treat our wives as we would like to be treated, we ignore the fact that our wives are quite different from us.
Forget whatever you think you know about what makes people happy, and observe your wife for a while. What does she really appreciate? What are her deepest interests and goals? Have your past gifts and gestures of love been on target? You might not have to work much harder to make your wife happier -- you might just have to stop doing things that you would appreciate if someone did them for you and start doing things she will appreciate.
Example: Buy her a greeting card when there's no special occasion, and inside write how much you love her and need her. Leave the card someplace she will stumble on it unexpectedly. Such a gesture would mean little to the average husband but lots to the average wife.
3. Do more than say "I'm sorry." A single "I'm sorry" won't balance the scales when you say something critical of your wife... dismiss her ideas or her feelings... or make her feel ignored. It will most likely take five positive interactions for every negative one before you're back to par.
According to research by the Gottman Institute, a Seattle-based couples therapy organization, marriages tend to be happy when spouses -- wives as well as husbands -- interact with each other in a positive manner at least five times as often as they interact in a negative manner. Positive interactions might include paying her compliments, saying, "Thank you" or "I love you," offering to do something for her, holding her hand or paying attention to her.
4. Master the makeup. The happiness of your marriage is not determined by whether you fight -- all couples do. It's determined by how well you patch things up afterward. Wait until you cool down -- that typically takes about 20 minutes -- then make a peace offering. Bring her a cup of tea... say you're sorry you argued... or tell her that you love her. Such gestures generally help couples get past the fight fast and back to the happy marriage.
Helpful: Makeups are easier if you avoid the four mistakes that turn arguments into lingering problems -- criticizing, showing contempt, acting defensive and stonewalling (shutting down when your partner reaches out to you).
5. Seek your wife's opinion. Wives often feel that they don't have an equal voice in the decision-making. As far as most husbands are concerned, the issue isn't who is making the decisions, but whether the correct decisions are being made. Still, you can make your married life happier if you seek your wife's approval on your ideas, even when you believe you're right. Who knows? Maybe she is right. Don't dismiss her opinion out of hand -- even when it isn't feasible. Instead, say something positive about the idea, then later express disappointment if together you "discover" that it won't work.
Example: She wants to fly across the country to visit your daughter next month. You know the trip won't fit into your budget. Rather than tell her no and invite her anger, establish that you're on her side. Say something like, "I always love to see our daughter. Let's see if we can afford it." Together, review the family's finances, and let her make the decision that you can't afford to go -- or perhaps she'll think of a clever way so that you can afford it.
6. Do some cleaning. Most wives think their husbands should help more with housework. Many husbands think they do so much work around the yard and with the car that housework isn't their responsibility. Who's right? Studies by University of Michigan Institute for Social Research show that husbands are. When work hours both inside and outside the home are added up, even husbands who don't help with the cleaning often put in about as many hours of effort as their wives.
Unfortunately, if you try to argue this point, you're sure to lose. You can either spend your life bickering about whether you get enough credit for your contributions -- working long hours at the office, tending the lawn and handling the car repairs -- or you can do some housework and have a happier marriage. To make your wife really happy, figure out which household task is her least favorite and do it without being asked.
Scott Haltzman, MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, Providence. He is a psychiatrist in private practice in Barrington, Rhode Island, and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever (Jossey-Bass). www.drscott.com
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Comment by MVI As a man inundated with requests to be more sensitive , the above advice makes sense.
Happiness is a trade off . The key is to be happy in your relationship not righteous and miserable because your partner thinks you are insensitive to her needs.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another useful tip
How to Find Lost Objects -- Fast Michael Solomon
One of life's persistent aggravations is misplacing everyday objects, such as keys, cell phones and reading glasses. You wind up wasting time ransacking the house in a frenetic search. Michael Solomon has studied how things get lost and how best to find them. His strategies...
Identify the Eureka Zone. The majority of lost objects tend to travel no more than 18 inches from their last known locations. I call this the Eureka Zone. Examples: A pencil that has rolled beneath your computer. Eyeglasses hidden under today's newspaper.
Whenever I lose something, I explore the Eureka Zone meticulously.
"Lose" another object. If you happen to drop and lose sight of an object that has one or more identical counterparts (such as a screw or an earring), try purposely dropping a second one and watching where it goes. This gives you an estimated radius for how far the first object might have rolled or bounced.
Make sure you are not staring right at it. When you're feeling rushed and agitated, your vision literally narrows. This is why your spouse or a friend often finds the lost object as soon as he/she joins in the search. You can improve your focus by taking a few deep breaths and repeating to yourself the name of the lost object over and over -- "car keys, car keys, car keys" -- which keeps you from becoming distracted from the task at hand.
Also, the object may look different than you imagine. Example: My friend couldn't find a hardcover book that he needed. We searched his apartment in vain until I grew suspicious of his description and began to examine the paperbacks on his bookshelf. There was the book, a paperback, in plain sight.
Check whether you've substituted one routine motion for another. Instead of being where it's supposed to be, your object may be where something else is supposed to be. This often happens in the kitchen. Example: You normally keep scissors in a jar on the kitchen counter, but you mindlessly returned them to the tool drawer.
It's also a problem when filing items. Example: You file your Bruce Springsteen CD under "B," instead of "S."
See if the object has been borrowed. Is it something that your spouse or your coworkers may have used since the last time you saw it? Ask before you drive yourself crazy looking.
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Friday, November 23, 2007
Health Tip: Make the Holidays More Meaningful on Yahoo! Health
Health Tip: Make the Holidays More Meaningful on Yahoo! Health: "Health Tip: Make the Holidays More Meaningful By HealthDay - Thu Nov 22, 8:44 PM PST"
some good tips here to make the holiday a quality real experience
some good tips here to make the holiday a quality real experience
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Are you defensive in your relationships?
Who Me? How to Deal with Defensive People James Tamm Santa Clara University School of Law
A coworker responds with anger whenever someone disagrees with him. A husband retreats into silence whenever he gets into an argument with his wife. An employee buries her boss in piles of irrelevant information whenever she is asked a question.
These behaviors might appear different, but they're all just variations of the same problem -- defensiveness. Additional forms of defensive behavior include habitually claiming, "I already knew that," when corrected... rationalizing or explaining away every misstep... or chronically making fun of others to deflect criticism from oneself.
Defensive people believe that their reactions protect them from outside attack. In fact, defensive people are unconsciously trying to shield themselves from their own doubts about their significance, competence or likeability.
We all get defensive sometimes and to some degree, but most of us learn to limit our defensive tendencies. Those who don't curb their defensiveness make life difficult for themselves and those who live and work with them. Their chronically defensive behavior promotes conflict and divisiveness... encourages rigid thinking that stifles creativity... and brings out the defensiveness in others.
Here's how to control your defensiveness -- and better deal with the defensiveness of those around you...
DEALING WITH DEFENSIVE PEOPLE
The best way to blunt other people's defensiveness is to not become defensive yourself, even when provoked (more on that later). If you start to get upset, remind yourself that this person's defensiveness is rooted in his/her insecurities and has little to do with you. Arguing back will only make the person more insecure. Instead...
Be a good listener. After the emotional moment has passed, offer the defensive person a chance to speak with you about the situation that led to the defensiveness. During the conversation, resist the urge to evaluate, criticize or suggest. Just listen intently, and take both the words and emotional content into account. Every now and then, summarize what you're hearing to make sure you understand -- and to make sure the person knows that you're really listening.
Example: A coworker is upset with you because you criticized his proposal in a meeting. Rather than defend your position, listen to what your coworker has to say, then summarize -- "You felt I misunderstood your recommendations" or "You were embarrassed in front of your colleagues."
By listening, you help the defensive person feel understood and accepted, easing his insecurities and making future defensive reactions less likely.
Change the way you argue. Try "interest-based negotiation." With this strategy, your first goal is to state your opponent's underlying interests to his satisfaction. Your second goal is for him to do the same to you. Only then do you start proposing solutions. This creates an atmosphere of understanding that makes defensiveness less likely.
Example: I once mediated a labor strike in which the union insisted on a 7% raise, though the union leaders knew that management couldn't go past 4%. The discussions became adversarial. Through interest-based negotiation, management learned that the underlying goal of the union negotiators was not the 7% raise itself, but to make good on a promise they had made to their members to deliver a 7% raise. The parties agreed to a 7% raise for six months of the year, the equivalent of a 3.5% annual raise, which was within management's budget. Union members were happy with the 3.5% increase overall and pleased to have the negotiations resolved.
MANAGING YOUR OWN DEFENSIVENESS
The most difficult step in overcoming defensiveness in yourself is acknowledging that you are indeed defensive. You probably consider your responses to perceived criticisms to be rational and justified when they occur. Reconsider them after the moment of confrontation has passed. Do they still seem appropriate, or were they unwarranted and unhelpful? If you're not certain, ask your spouse or a trusted friend -- and try not to get defensive at the reply. If you feel you tend to be defensive, identify the form your defensiveness takes. Are you belligerent? Uncommunicative? Overly talkative?
The most difficult step in overcoming defensiveness in yourself is acknowledging that you are indeed defensive. You probably consider your responses to perceived criticisms to be rational and justified when they occur. Reconsider them after the moment of confrontation has passed. Do they still seem appropriate, or were they unwarranted and unhelpful? If you're not certain, ask your spouse or a trusted friend -- and try not to get defensive at the reply. If you feel you tend to be defensive, identify the form your defensiveness takes. Are you belligerent? Uncommunicative? Overly talkative?
Other warning signs of defensiveness: Tightening in the gut... general sense of paranoia... adrenaline rush... feeling that you lack allies... a sense that you have been personally rejected, though the subject under discussion is only tangentially related to you.
To cut off defensive reactions...
Intercept the physical symptoms of defensiveness, such as rapid, shallow breathing and a quickened pulse. It will be easier to alter your behavior if you can alter these physical reactions. Head to the restroom and splash cool water on your face... take a short walk to calm down... or if there's no time for a break, take a few long, deep breaths.
Monitor your thoughts. If your mind is telling you, "This guy is out to get me," or "She doesn't think I'm very smart," you're likely to become increasingly defensive. Respond to negative thoughts with positive self-talk.
Examples: "I know this is difficult, but I can get through it"... "They're entitled to a different opinion"... "If I listen carefully enough, maybe I can learn something."
Develop a reaction appropriate to your particular form of defensiveness. If you tend to flood others with information when you feel attacked, force yourself to remain quiet for a full minute. If you tend to shut down, push yourself to say something. If you counterattack when you feel confronted, take a few deep breaths and find something that you can agree with in what's being said.
There are times when we must defend ourselves against verbal attacks, but these times are rare -- and knee-jerk defensiveness isn't effective anyway. Defensive reactions make us feel temporarily better about ourselves but rarely paint us or our opinions in a favorable light. Defensiveness provides no defense -- it only makes us seem less credible.
Intercept the physical symptoms of defensiveness, such as rapid, shallow breathing and a quickened pulse. It will be easier to alter your behavior if you can alter these physical reactions. Head to the restroom and splash cool water on your face... take a short walk to calm down... or if there's no time for a break, take a few long, deep breaths.
Monitor your thoughts. If your mind is telling you, "This guy is out to get me," or "She doesn't think I'm very smart," you're likely to become increasingly defensive. Respond to negative thoughts with positive self-talk.
Examples: "I know this is difficult, but I can get through it"... "They're entitled to a different opinion"... "If I listen carefully enough, maybe I can learn something."
Develop a reaction appropriate to your particular form of defensiveness. If you tend to flood others with information when you feel attacked, force yourself to remain quiet for a full minute. If you tend to shut down, push yourself to say something. If you counterattack when you feel confronted, take a few deep breaths and find something that you can agree with in what's being said.
There are times when we must defend ourselves against verbal attacks, but these times are rare -- and knee-jerk defensiveness isn't effective anyway. Defensive reactions make us feel temporarily better about ourselves but rarely paint us or our opinions in a favorable light. Defensiveness provides no defense -- it only makes us seem less credible.
Flue tips -how to avoid the bug
How to Flu-Proof Your Home... Car... Office Susan Rehm, MD
National Foundation for Infectious Diseases
In the past year, we have repeatedly heard about the threat of an avian flu pandemic, but most people don't think about the reality here and now of the "regular" flu. Each year, tens of millions of Americans contract influenza. For most, it just makes for an unpleasant week, but 200,000 flu sufferers each year end up in the hospital -- and 36,000 Americans die from flu complications. Most outbreaks occur between October and May, with the peak season between late December and early March. To flu-proof your home, car and office...
GENERAL STRATEGIES
Get the vaccine. You know this already, but it bears repeating because as many as two-thirds of those who should get the flu shot, don't -- even though it is the single best way to flu-proof your life. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends flu shots, particularly for anyone over age 50, because potentially fatal flu complications are more common as you get older. Flu shots also are strongly recommended for children from six months to five years... and for anyone with a chronic lung, kidney or heart condition, diabetes or a weakened immune system.
Wash hands properly and often. Hand washings must be vigorous and last at least 20 seconds to be effective. Simply lathering up and quickly rinsing aren't enough. It's the act of physically scrubbing one hand against the other with soap that dislodges flu viruses.
If you're not near a sink, an alcohol-based hand sanitizer can be equally effective. Just don't apply so much of the sanitizer that your hands remain moist for very long. Hands become sterile only when the alcohol evaporates, leaving them dry.
Learn the difference between a cold and the flu. People often mistake bad colds for the flu. The onset of the flu is sudden, and includes fever, severe muscle aches and fatigue, while colds tend to take hold gradually and often are not accompanied by severe aches or a fever. When flu includes a cough, it tends to be a dry cough.
Important: The reason it is crucial to know the difference between the cold and the flu is that a prescription antiviral, such as Tamiflu or Relenza, can help reduce the severity of the flu -- but only if taken within 48 hours of initial infection. Call your doctor immediately if you think you have the flu.
HOME
Kids, grandkids and your spouse are the ones most likely to bring the flu virus into your home. What to do...
Avoid sharing silverware, glasses and kisses with a family member who is not feeling well.
Use disinfectant wipes to clean items you commonly touch, such as doorknobs, drawer handles, kitchen appliances, phones and remote controls.
Ask your doctor for a prophylactic dose of an antiviral medication, such as Tamiflu or Relenza, if someone in your house has the flu. These prescription drugs can reduce the odds that you will come down with it.
Postpone visits from young children if they are not feeling well or if the flu has been active at their school. When a visit from young children is unavoidable, wash your hands thoroughly after touching the children or objects they have recently handled. After the kids leave, use disinfectant wipes to clean items they touched.
CAR
When you share a car ride with someone, you also share the air in a small, enclosed space. If one of you has the flu at the beginning of even a short trip, the odds are good that both of you will by the end. What to do...
Encourage sick car pool members to stay home. If you find out that you shared a car in the past 48 hours with someone who has the flu, ask your doctor for Tamiflu or Relenza.
If you let someone else drive your car -- even a parking attendant -- use alcohol disinfectant wipes on the door handle, window controls, steering wheel, gearshift handle, parking brake lever, seat controls, radio controls and any other surfaces that the other driver is likely to have touched. Do this even if the person didn't seem sick.
WORKPLACE
The biggest threat is sick colleagues who drag themselves to work.
Don't share office supplies. Shared pens are particularly dangerous because many people unthinkingly touch them to their lips. Always carry a pen with you (which also is useful for signing at stores and restaurants). Avoid sharing your phone and computer keyboard. When office equipment must be shared, wash your hands thoroughly before and after use and wipe off the equipment with a disinfectant wipe.
Other office trouble spots: Door handles, drawer pulls, conference room tabletops, water fountains and elevator, fax and copier buttons.
Keep an eye out for coworkers who sneeze into their hands. These people spread their germs when they handle office equipment or shake hands. Sneeze into a tissue, shoulder or sleeve.
If you attend a meeting featuring snacks and handshakes, try to handle your food only with your left hand to decrease the odds that flu germs will make it to your mouth. When in the office cafeteria, don't touch your change and then your food without washing your hands in between.
Use a paper towel to turn off the water and open the door after washing your hand in the office bathroom.
Encourage sick colleagues to go home -- and do so yourself if you are not feeling well. If you are a manager, make sure employees understand that a sick day won't be held against them.
National Foundation for Infectious Diseases
In the past year, we have repeatedly heard about the threat of an avian flu pandemic, but most people don't think about the reality here and now of the "regular" flu. Each year, tens of millions of Americans contract influenza. For most, it just makes for an unpleasant week, but 200,000 flu sufferers each year end up in the hospital -- and 36,000 Americans die from flu complications. Most outbreaks occur between October and May, with the peak season between late December and early March. To flu-proof your home, car and office...
GENERAL STRATEGIES
Get the vaccine. You know this already, but it bears repeating because as many as two-thirds of those who should get the flu shot, don't -- even though it is the single best way to flu-proof your life. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends flu shots, particularly for anyone over age 50, because potentially fatal flu complications are more common as you get older. Flu shots also are strongly recommended for children from six months to five years... and for anyone with a chronic lung, kidney or heart condition, diabetes or a weakened immune system.
Wash hands properly and often. Hand washings must be vigorous and last at least 20 seconds to be effective. Simply lathering up and quickly rinsing aren't enough. It's the act of physically scrubbing one hand against the other with soap that dislodges flu viruses.
If you're not near a sink, an alcohol-based hand sanitizer can be equally effective. Just don't apply so much of the sanitizer that your hands remain moist for very long. Hands become sterile only when the alcohol evaporates, leaving them dry.
Learn the difference between a cold and the flu. People often mistake bad colds for the flu. The onset of the flu is sudden, and includes fever, severe muscle aches and fatigue, while colds tend to take hold gradually and often are not accompanied by severe aches or a fever. When flu includes a cough, it tends to be a dry cough.
Important: The reason it is crucial to know the difference between the cold and the flu is that a prescription antiviral, such as Tamiflu or Relenza, can help reduce the severity of the flu -- but only if taken within 48 hours of initial infection. Call your doctor immediately if you think you have the flu.
HOME
Kids, grandkids and your spouse are the ones most likely to bring the flu virus into your home. What to do...
Avoid sharing silverware, glasses and kisses with a family member who is not feeling well.
Use disinfectant wipes to clean items you commonly touch, such as doorknobs, drawer handles, kitchen appliances, phones and remote controls.
Ask your doctor for a prophylactic dose of an antiviral medication, such as Tamiflu or Relenza, if someone in your house has the flu. These prescription drugs can reduce the odds that you will come down with it.
Postpone visits from young children if they are not feeling well or if the flu has been active at their school. When a visit from young children is unavoidable, wash your hands thoroughly after touching the children or objects they have recently handled. After the kids leave, use disinfectant wipes to clean items they touched.
CAR
When you share a car ride with someone, you also share the air in a small, enclosed space. If one of you has the flu at the beginning of even a short trip, the odds are good that both of you will by the end. What to do...
Encourage sick car pool members to stay home. If you find out that you shared a car in the past 48 hours with someone who has the flu, ask your doctor for Tamiflu or Relenza.
If you let someone else drive your car -- even a parking attendant -- use alcohol disinfectant wipes on the door handle, window controls, steering wheel, gearshift handle, parking brake lever, seat controls, radio controls and any other surfaces that the other driver is likely to have touched. Do this even if the person didn't seem sick.
WORKPLACE
The biggest threat is sick colleagues who drag themselves to work.
Don't share office supplies. Shared pens are particularly dangerous because many people unthinkingly touch them to their lips. Always carry a pen with you (which also is useful for signing at stores and restaurants). Avoid sharing your phone and computer keyboard. When office equipment must be shared, wash your hands thoroughly before and after use and wipe off the equipment with a disinfectant wipe.
Other office trouble spots: Door handles, drawer pulls, conference room tabletops, water fountains and elevator, fax and copier buttons.
Keep an eye out for coworkers who sneeze into their hands. These people spread their germs when they handle office equipment or shake hands. Sneeze into a tissue, shoulder or sleeve.
If you attend a meeting featuring snacks and handshakes, try to handle your food only with your left hand to decrease the odds that flu germs will make it to your mouth. When in the office cafeteria, don't touch your change and then your food without washing your hands in between.
Use a paper towel to turn off the water and open the door after washing your hand in the office bathroom.
Encourage sick colleagues to go home -- and do so yourself if you are not feeling well. If you are a manager, make sure employees understand that a sick day won't be held against them.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Ten ways to keep your relationship hot
Ten ways to add romance to your marriage By: Nancy J. Wasson
It's all too easy to take your marriage for granted, especially if you've been married for a long time. Here are some ways to rekindle romance in your relationship.
Every marriage needs a healthy dose of on-going romance to add spice, delight, and fun to the relationship. It's not enough to just start out with a sizzling romance. You have to find a way to keep the romance alive as the months and years accumulate.
One of the marital challenges many couples face is how to live together without losing that special romantic spark. It's all-too-easy to lose the role of lover along the way. When this happens, spouses often start relating to each other as they would to a friend or a sibling. Parents can begin to feel they are only “business partners” joined together to raise their children and keep the household running.
1. Pay attention when your spouse mentions things he or she likes or expresses interest in something that could make a good gift, such as a new CD, a book, or theater/concert/sports tickets. Be on the lookout for ideas for birthday, holiday, and anniversary gifts, plus “no reason” surprise gifts. It's very flattering to know that someone really tried to find a gift that was just what you wanted.
2. Frequently offer foot massages, shoulder massages, and full-body massages to your spouse. You'll get plenty of romantic brownie points in your “relationship bank account” if you keep some great-smelling lotion handy and take ten minutes to massage your spouse's tired feet at the end of a long work day. Note: If you expect to be rewarded for your efforts by sex, you won't accumulate any points for being romantic. Your spouse will just think you have an ulterior motive when you offer a massage in the future.
3. Giving sweet cards and letters to your spouse can be romantic, as can emails and phone messages that share your feelings and passion. Handwritten letters sent through the mail are becoming more and more of a rarity. That's good for you because that means your spouse will think you're really romantic for taking the time to write a love letter by hand and mail it. That will make more of an impact than just sending an email if you want to get extra brownie points.
4. Another way to be romantic is to look for opportunities to pamper and spoil your spouse. That might be letting a spouse sleep in late while you watch the kids, or it could be telling your partner to sit down and relax while you clean up after dinner. The key is in the delivery of the offer. You might say, “Nothing's too good for my sweetheart” or “You're such a love. It's fun to pamper you.” You can accompany your words with a hug or kiss.
5. Talking in front of your spouse to someone else about your partner's good points is romantic. Take full advantage of opportunities to say, ‘I'm so lucky to have such a supportive wife (or husband)—she's such a treasure. I'm a lucky man.” You can also do this when you're talking on the phone and know that your spouse is within listening range. If you're not sure your partner heard you, when you get off the phone ask, “Did you hear me telling my sister what a great husband you are? I was really bragging on you!”
6. In the romance department, flowers, plants, candy, or a special home-cooked meal never go out of favor. Many females love to receive beautiful fresh flowers or a box of delicious chocolate candy. Both husbands and wives can appreciate the efforts of a partner to put together an intimate, special home-cooked meal by candlelight with music playing and flowers on the table.
7. Surprise your spouse with a framed picture of the two of you in a setting that will bring back pleasant memories. Another option is to frame a picture of your spouse that shows him or her in a flattering way and let your partner know how much you love the photo. Keep it on your nightstand, computer, dresser, or desk and let your spouse see you looking at it admiringly.
8. Take the initiative to plan a surprise weekend outing. Call and make all the arrangements ahead of time. The outing doesn't have to be expensive or complex. It might be as simple as planning a picnic at a nearby scenic spot. You might prepare the surprise picnic lunch when your spouse is in the shower. Or you might make arrangements for a restaurant to pack a gourmet lunch for the two of you that you could pick up on your way out of town.
9. Music that you and your spouse both like can set a romantic tone. If you see a movie that you both enjoyed a lot, you might consider buying the sound track as a surprise gift the following week. You could also select a song that you both like and decide to make it “your song.” Or you could pick a song and tell your spouse that it reminds you of him or her for some positive reason.
10. Celebrate every occasion you can think of—the anniversary of the day you met, when you became engaged, your marriage anniversary, your birthdays, seeing the full moon, and anything else you can come up with. You can toast with champagne (or non-alcoholic champagne) and perhaps have a celebration meal. But it can be just as fun to make a big deal out of going out for an ice cream cone to celebrate.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Your Health: Arguing with Your Spouse Could be Hazardous to Your Health Rallie McAllister, M.D., M.P.H.
Here's one more reason to strive for marital bliss: Arguing with your spouse could be hazardous to your health. Researchers at the University College London recently announced their findings that individuals who experienced high levels of negativity in their close personal relationships -- especially marriage -- were 1.34 times more likely to experience chest pain, heart attacks and even sudden cardiac death. The study, which involved more than 9,000 British civil servants, appeared in the October 2007 issue of Archives of Internal Medicine. Noting that negative marital interactions are often associated with depression and anger, the researchers concluded that these emotional reactions contribute to cardiovascular disease by exerting a cumulative "wear and tear" effect on various organs, including the heart. Even in the absence of marital discord, individuals who harbor negative emotions, including hostility and anger, could be putting their health in danger. A recent study conducted by researchers at Duke University
Medical Center found that men who frequently experience intense feelings of hostility, anger and depression are at greater risk for developing high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and type 2 diabetes. Previous research suggests that individuals with hostile personalities and those who are highly anger-prone are nearly three times more likely to suffer heart attacks than their more mellow counterparts. The link between anger and heart disease appears to hold true even after adjusting for other major cardiovascular risk factors, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, cigarette smoking, and obesity. Doctors and scientists have long suspected that people with short fuses have shorter life expectancies, but the reasons for this association are not entirely clear. It could be that angry individuals are more likely to engage in hazardous behaviors, including smoking cigarettes and drinking excessive quantities of alcohol, which in turn contribute to heart disease. Or it could be that hotheaded individuals tend to have higher levels of stress hormones, which can constrict the arteries around the heart and elevate blood pressure. Stress hormones also appear to interfere with the proper function of immune system, leaving individuals with hostile, angry personalities more vulnerable to cardiovascular disease and other illnesses. Anger and hostility aren't the only emotions that can affect heart health. In the February 2007 issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, researchers at Indiana University announced their findings that depression may lead to the initiation or progression of atherosclerosis. Also known as hardening of the arteries, atherosclerosis is a major contributor to heart disease. In a study of over 300 men and women, the scientists analyzed individuals' depressive symptoms and measured changes in the thickness of their arterial walls. At the end of a three-year period, the researchers noted that the men and women with the most severe depressive symptoms demonstrated the greatest increases in thickness of their blood vessel walls, a finding consistent with the development or progression of hardening of the arteries.
Based on these observations, the researchers concluded that depression might play an important role in the early stages of coronary artery disease. According to researchers at Duke University Medical Center, frequent bouts of depression, anxiety, hostility or anger can significantly increase the risk for developing cardiovascular disease, but having a combination of these traits is a far more powerful predictor of future heart problems. A similar pattern is known to exist with physiological cardiovascular risk factors, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol level, and obesity. While having any one of these conditions increases the likelihood of developing heart disease, having all three conditions is especially dangerous.
Although negative emotions can be damaging to your health and your close relationships, positive emotions can have the opposite effect. The simple act of laughing can alleviate stress, lower blood pressure and boost the disease-fighting properties of the immune system. Scientists at the University of Maryland Medical Center found that people with healthy hearts tended to use laughter as a means of alleviating emotional stress. Folks with ailing hearts, on the other hand, were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a number of humorous situations. Even if you can't manage to laugh about the situation, it might be a good idea to talk about it, especially if you're a woman.
One study found that women who regularly suppressed their anger had higher death rates than those who aired their feelings. Whether you're trying to improve the health of your heart or the health of your marriage, spending time laughing and talking with your spouse is a great place to start.
Here's one more reason to strive for marital bliss: Arguing with your spouse could be hazardous to your health. Researchers at the University College London recently announced their findings that individuals who experienced high levels of negativity in their close personal relationships -- especially marriage -- were 1.34 times more likely to experience chest pain, heart attacks and even sudden cardiac death. The study, which involved more than 9,000 British civil servants, appeared in the October 2007 issue of Archives of Internal Medicine. Noting that negative marital interactions are often associated with depression and anger, the researchers concluded that these emotional reactions contribute to cardiovascular disease by exerting a cumulative "wear and tear" effect on various organs, including the heart. Even in the absence of marital discord, individuals who harbor negative emotions, including hostility and anger, could be putting their health in danger. A recent study conducted by researchers at Duke University
Medical Center found that men who frequently experience intense feelings of hostility, anger and depression are at greater risk for developing high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and type 2 diabetes. Previous research suggests that individuals with hostile personalities and those who are highly anger-prone are nearly three times more likely to suffer heart attacks than their more mellow counterparts. The link between anger and heart disease appears to hold true even after adjusting for other major cardiovascular risk factors, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, cigarette smoking, and obesity. Doctors and scientists have long suspected that people with short fuses have shorter life expectancies, but the reasons for this association are not entirely clear. It could be that angry individuals are more likely to engage in hazardous behaviors, including smoking cigarettes and drinking excessive quantities of alcohol, which in turn contribute to heart disease. Or it could be that hotheaded individuals tend to have higher levels of stress hormones, which can constrict the arteries around the heart and elevate blood pressure. Stress hormones also appear to interfere with the proper function of immune system, leaving individuals with hostile, angry personalities more vulnerable to cardiovascular disease and other illnesses. Anger and hostility aren't the only emotions that can affect heart health. In the February 2007 issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, researchers at Indiana University announced their findings that depression may lead to the initiation or progression of atherosclerosis. Also known as hardening of the arteries, atherosclerosis is a major contributor to heart disease. In a study of over 300 men and women, the scientists analyzed individuals' depressive symptoms and measured changes in the thickness of their arterial walls. At the end of a three-year period, the researchers noted that the men and women with the most severe depressive symptoms demonstrated the greatest increases in thickness of their blood vessel walls, a finding consistent with the development or progression of hardening of the arteries.
Based on these observations, the researchers concluded that depression might play an important role in the early stages of coronary artery disease. According to researchers at Duke University Medical Center, frequent bouts of depression, anxiety, hostility or anger can significantly increase the risk for developing cardiovascular disease, but having a combination of these traits is a far more powerful predictor of future heart problems. A similar pattern is known to exist with physiological cardiovascular risk factors, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol level, and obesity. While having any one of these conditions increases the likelihood of developing heart disease, having all three conditions is especially dangerous.
Although negative emotions can be damaging to your health and your close relationships, positive emotions can have the opposite effect. The simple act of laughing can alleviate stress, lower blood pressure and boost the disease-fighting properties of the immune system. Scientists at the University of Maryland Medical Center found that people with healthy hearts tended to use laughter as a means of alleviating emotional stress. Folks with ailing hearts, on the other hand, were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a number of humorous situations. Even if you can't manage to laugh about the situation, it might be a good idea to talk about it, especially if you're a woman.
One study found that women who regularly suppressed their anger had higher death rates than those who aired their feelings. Whether you're trying to improve the health of your heart or the health of your marriage, spending time laughing and talking with your spouse is a great place to start.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Finding Happiness After Major Life Crisis
People in the midst of divorce, job loss or a health crisis are often led to believe their lives will be richer, deeper, even happier for the experience -- but new research says it isn't necessarily so. A recent study challenges aspects of the classic "happiness set-point" theory which points to in-born personality factors as being the primary determinant of happiness. Under set-point theory even major changes in life circumstances do not have a long-term effect. However, says lead researcher Richard Lucas, PhD, a psychology assistant professor at Michigan State University, traumatic life events such as divorce, job loss or disability from, say, major illness matter deeply and may shift your happiness set-point permanently south. Dr. Lucas shared what he learned about happiness and offered advice on what you can do to stay positive in the face of difficulties.
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT...
According to the happiness set-point theory, challenges and crises can temporarily move people away from their set point, but their basic outlook and coping skills will eventually settle back at their original level. While Dr. Lucas agrees that personality traits play a strong role in happiness, his research shows that long-term levels of happiness can and often do change after experiencing a major life event -- not necessarily returning to where they were before.To take a closer look at the nature of happiness, Dr. Lucas examined two large-scale studies in Great Britain (more than 27,000 participants) and Germany (nearly 40,000 participants). Participants in Germany were followed for up to 21 years, and participants in Great Britain for up to 14 years. Using self-reporting scales, researchers measured their levels of satisfaction before and after major events such as marriage, divorce, job loss, widowhood and disability. People seemed to adapt fairly quickly to marriage and even widowhood, though that took longer. However, their emotional state was more often permanently altered by divorce, unemployment or the onset of a long-term disability, according to Dr. Lucas.
Specifically, researchers found that...
- Most people adapt to marriage within a few years. However (no surprise here) there is a great deal of variability, with some getting a long-term boost and others a long-term decline, depending on how good the marriage is.
- On average, people take about seven years to adjust to the loss of a spouse.
- Following divorce, unemployment or physical debilitation from a major illness or injury, people generally do not return to their prior level of happiness.
FACING REALITY IS WHAT HELPS
While Dr. Lucas's research may sound defeatist, it is helpful to consider it a learning tool rather than a reason to give up. For those who have experienced a traumatic event, Dr. Lucas says it's a good idea to set "challenging but realistic goals" to bolster your sense of accomplishment and esteem. Also helpful is having -- and seeking -- good social relationships, as studies have shown the physical and emotional health benefits of a strong support group.In the long run, though, what may help most of all is taking the pressure off yourself for not feeling entirely happy with your new situation, realizing that such events are very traumatic and they do, in fact, change your world. Understanding that the success and happiness you find may look and feel very different than what you've experienced in the past is one key to finding your "new" way to feeling good.
Also remember that challenges present an opportunity for growth and personal development -- but avoiding the subsequent soul searching and not questioning personal assumptions can and usually will leave you worse off. If you are able to become more honest with yourself and others, and allow yourself to benefit from the awakening that challenge may bring, then adversity may indeed present an unexpected blessing and evidence of grace -- and these are certainly seeds from which happiness can grow.
Source(s):
Richard Lucas, PhD, assistant professor of psychology, Michigan State University, East Lansing, Michigan.
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housework bad for your health
...and another thing
For anyone who doesn't warm to the demands of housework, here's a headline that might look like a Get Out of Jail Free card: "Housework Could Pose Health Hazards."
You can hear it now: "Mom, I can't clean the bathroom every week – it's hazardous to my health, according to the Centre for Research in Environmental Epidemiology in Barcelona." And it's true. The Spanish team spent nine years collecting asthma data from 10 European countries. More than 3,500 subjects were followed.
Results showed that the risk of developing asthma was as much as 50 percent higher for people who cleaned at least once each week using cleaning sprays, glass-cleaners, furniture-cleaners, and air fresheners. The study didn't reveal the biological mechanism that prompted the spike in asthma risk, but there's no doubt that toxic elements (such as chlorine) in cleaning products can produce harsh health effects – and you can be sure that asthma is only one of the problems. So how can you protect yourself and keep your home clean? For several years I've used a number of Seventh Generation cleaning products that go easy on the environment. And I don't think it's too much of a leap to assume they also go easier on the person who swings the mops and scrub brushes. I don't have any data to back up that claim, but given the choice between green and chlorine…
You can find more information at www.seventhgen.com.
For anyone who doesn't warm to the demands of housework, here's a headline that might look like a Get Out of Jail Free card: "Housework Could Pose Health Hazards."
You can hear it now: "Mom, I can't clean the bathroom every week – it's hazardous to my health, according to the Centre for Research in Environmental Epidemiology in Barcelona." And it's true. The Spanish team spent nine years collecting asthma data from 10 European countries. More than 3,500 subjects were followed.
Results showed that the risk of developing asthma was as much as 50 percent higher for people who cleaned at least once each week using cleaning sprays, glass-cleaners, furniture-cleaners, and air fresheners. The study didn't reveal the biological mechanism that prompted the spike in asthma risk, but there's no doubt that toxic elements (such as chlorine) in cleaning products can produce harsh health effects – and you can be sure that asthma is only one of the problems. So how can you protect yourself and keep your home clean? For several years I've used a number of Seventh Generation cleaning products that go easy on the environment. And I don't think it's too much of a leap to assume they also go easier on the person who swings the mops and scrub brushes. I don't have any data to back up that claim, but given the choice between green and chlorine…
You can find more information at www.seventhgen.com.
Monday, October 08, 2007
men women -weight tips
Weight Watchers’ SecretsWhat works for women... What works for menKaren Miller-Kovach, RD Weight Watchers International, Inc.Published: September 1, 2007 he fundamental requirement for weight loss -- expending more calories than are taken in -- is the same for men and women. But there are clear differences in the ways in which men and women approach weight loss, including whether they even believe that they need to lose weight.
Couples who understand the male/female differences can work together to achieve their weight-loss goals. Main differences -- and strategies for helping each other...
She’s Aware, He’s Not
Woman’s view: Our society values thin women. As a result, women are always conscious of their weight -- and they are quicker to diet, whether or not they really need to lose weight.
Man’s view: The average man spends little time in front of a mirror and is unlikely to notice that he’s gained a few pounds. Our society values large, strong men, so men often excuse their weight. They’ll say something like, “I’m just a big guy.”
Strategies: Both men and women find it difficult to be objective about their own bodies. To provide some objectivity -- whichever your sex -- you should know your body mass index (BMI), a well-accepted standard for determining a healthy weight. A BMI of 20 to 25 is optimal... 25 to 30 is overweight... and over 30 is considered obese.
You can compute your BMI by dividing your weight multiplied by 703 by your height in inches, squared. Easier: Use the BMI calculator at www.weightwatchers.com.
Also important: Know the circumference of your waist. Even if you have a normal BMI, you could have a high proportion of belly fat -- which is a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease and other health problems. Risks accumulate when a woman’s waist circumference exceeds 35 inches... and a man’s exceeds 40 inches.
Men often think that their pants size is also their waist size -- but most men wear their pants below the belly.
To accurately measure waist circumference, place a tape measure at the top of the hip bone and measure evenly around the bare abdomen. The tape should be snug but not pushed into the skin.
For Beauty, For Health
Woman’s view: Women tend to use appearance-related words and phrases (“I’d like to look thinner”) when talking about their weight.
Man’s view: Many young men also worry about appearance, but most men over age 40 are more concerned about the health aspects of weight (“I don’t want to have a heart attack”... “I want to have more energy”).
Strategies: A man can encourage a woman’s weight-loss efforts by giving her unsolicited compliments, such as, “You look great in that dress.”
Because men respond best to fitness words, such as fit, healthy or in better shape, their partners can encourage them by linking weight loss to health improvements -- “You’ll have more stamina when you play with the kids” or “This will keep your blood pressure down.”
Depressed Eating, Happy Eating
Both men and women engage in emotional eating -- eating for reasons other than hunger -- but the emotional triggers often are different.
Woman’s view: Women tend to consume excess calories when they’re feeling negative emotions, such as stress or depression.
Man’s view: Men tend to overeat when they’re feeling positive emotions -- for example, when they’re enjoying themselves at parties, happy hours and ballgames.
Strategies: Partners can help each other by recognizing their different emotional triggers. If a woman has had a bad day at work, her partner might gently head her off at the refrigerator and suggest that they go for a walk to talk about it.
A man might ask his partner to warn him if he is hovering near the party buffet table or the bar.
Less Food, More Exercise
Woman’s view: Women who are trying to lose weight usually focus more on cutting calories and less on exercise.
Man’s view: Men focus more on exercise to lose weight, rather than on eating less.
Strategies: For the greatest chance of success, both men and women have to combine exercise and calorie restriction. To drop one pound in a week, you have to eliminate 500 calories each day. Very few people can exercise enough to burn that much -- and just cutting calories can take the weight off but doesn’t support keeping it off.
You have to do both. Trim calories, and get 45 to 60 minutes a day of moderate-intensity exercise -- such as brisk walking, swimming or playing golf without riding in a cart.
Little Changes, Big Changes
Women tend to view weight loss as a long-term war. There are times they attack... times they retreat... and times they have a negotiated settlement. Men tend to view weight loss as an all-or-nothing battle.
Woman’s view: Women tend to make small changes that they hope will lead to long-term weight loss, such as substituting low-calorie mayo for regular or having one piece of chocolate instead of two.
Man’s view: Men are less patient. They do better when they make big changes -- giving up beer or desserts completely, for example.
Strategies: The male approach is more effective, research suggests. It’s difficult for most people to maintain their commitment to portion control. If they keep eating the same foods, the portion sizes tend to gradually increase. It’s often better to give up something than to have “just a little.”
Friends, Experts
Woman’s view: A woman trying to lose weight will solicit advice from friends and share successes and setbacks. She wants the support of her peers and to know all of her options.
Man’s view: Men are less likely to talk to friends about weight loss. They don’t want too many options. What they want is expert -- and specific -- advice.
Strategies: For men, women are often the weight-loss experts. A woman can help a man lose weight by limiting his options, for example, by stocking the fridge with fruits and vegetables. She can point out to him at a restaurant that the grilled fish is a better option than the fried-fish platter.
This approach generally doesn’t work with women. A woman who asks her partner what to have for lunch may well get annoyed if he tells her specifically what to have. In reality, she would rather discuss the possibilities on the menu before making a decision. So if she asks you what to eat, you could say, “There are several good possibilities here. What do you think would be best?”
Couples who understand the male/female differences can work together to achieve their weight-loss goals. Main differences -- and strategies for helping each other...
She’s Aware, He’s Not
Woman’s view: Our society values thin women. As a result, women are always conscious of their weight -- and they are quicker to diet, whether or not they really need to lose weight.
Man’s view: The average man spends little time in front of a mirror and is unlikely to notice that he’s gained a few pounds. Our society values large, strong men, so men often excuse their weight. They’ll say something like, “I’m just a big guy.”
Strategies: Both men and women find it difficult to be objective about their own bodies. To provide some objectivity -- whichever your sex -- you should know your body mass index (BMI), a well-accepted standard for determining a healthy weight. A BMI of 20 to 25 is optimal... 25 to 30 is overweight... and over 30 is considered obese.
You can compute your BMI by dividing your weight multiplied by 703 by your height in inches, squared. Easier: Use the BMI calculator at www.weightwatchers.com.
Also important: Know the circumference of your waist. Even if you have a normal BMI, you could have a high proportion of belly fat -- which is a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease and other health problems. Risks accumulate when a woman’s waist circumference exceeds 35 inches... and a man’s exceeds 40 inches.
Men often think that their pants size is also their waist size -- but most men wear their pants below the belly.
To accurately measure waist circumference, place a tape measure at the top of the hip bone and measure evenly around the bare abdomen. The tape should be snug but not pushed into the skin.
For Beauty, For Health
Woman’s view: Women tend to use appearance-related words and phrases (“I’d like to look thinner”) when talking about their weight.
Man’s view: Many young men also worry about appearance, but most men over age 40 are more concerned about the health aspects of weight (“I don’t want to have a heart attack”... “I want to have more energy”).
Strategies: A man can encourage a woman’s weight-loss efforts by giving her unsolicited compliments, such as, “You look great in that dress.”
Because men respond best to fitness words, such as fit, healthy or in better shape, their partners can encourage them by linking weight loss to health improvements -- “You’ll have more stamina when you play with the kids” or “This will keep your blood pressure down.”
Depressed Eating, Happy Eating
Both men and women engage in emotional eating -- eating for reasons other than hunger -- but the emotional triggers often are different.
Woman’s view: Women tend to consume excess calories when they’re feeling negative emotions, such as stress or depression.
Man’s view: Men tend to overeat when they’re feeling positive emotions -- for example, when they’re enjoying themselves at parties, happy hours and ballgames.
Strategies: Partners can help each other by recognizing their different emotional triggers. If a woman has had a bad day at work, her partner might gently head her off at the refrigerator and suggest that they go for a walk to talk about it.
A man might ask his partner to warn him if he is hovering near the party buffet table or the bar.
Less Food, More Exercise
Woman’s view: Women who are trying to lose weight usually focus more on cutting calories and less on exercise.
Man’s view: Men focus more on exercise to lose weight, rather than on eating less.
Strategies: For the greatest chance of success, both men and women have to combine exercise and calorie restriction. To drop one pound in a week, you have to eliminate 500 calories each day. Very few people can exercise enough to burn that much -- and just cutting calories can take the weight off but doesn’t support keeping it off.
You have to do both. Trim calories, and get 45 to 60 minutes a day of moderate-intensity exercise -- such as brisk walking, swimming or playing golf without riding in a cart.
Little Changes, Big Changes
Women tend to view weight loss as a long-term war. There are times they attack... times they retreat... and times they have a negotiated settlement. Men tend to view weight loss as an all-or-nothing battle.
Woman’s view: Women tend to make small changes that they hope will lead to long-term weight loss, such as substituting low-calorie mayo for regular or having one piece of chocolate instead of two.
Man’s view: Men are less patient. They do better when they make big changes -- giving up beer or desserts completely, for example.
Strategies: The male approach is more effective, research suggests. It’s difficult for most people to maintain their commitment to portion control. If they keep eating the same foods, the portion sizes tend to gradually increase. It’s often better to give up something than to have “just a little.”
Friends, Experts
Woman’s view: A woman trying to lose weight will solicit advice from friends and share successes and setbacks. She wants the support of her peers and to know all of her options.
Man’s view: Men are less likely to talk to friends about weight loss. They don’t want too many options. What they want is expert -- and specific -- advice.
Strategies: For men, women are often the weight-loss experts. A woman can help a man lose weight by limiting his options, for example, by stocking the fridge with fruits and vegetables. She can point out to him at a restaurant that the grilled fish is a better option than the fried-fish platter.
This approach generally doesn’t work with women. A woman who asks her partner what to have for lunch may well get annoyed if he tells her specifically what to have. In reality, she would rather discuss the possibilities on the menu before making a decision. So if she asks you what to eat, you could say, “There are several good possibilities here. What do you think would be best?”
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Better Relationship tips
useful tips for people who are open minded enough to try or listen QJ
Strategies for a Better Marriage
Robert Stephan Cohen, Esq.
Cohen Lans LLP n my 30 years as a matrimonial lawyer, I have listened to countless men and women tell me why their marriages failed. Disagreements over money and lifestyle, and, of course, infidelity, lead all kinds of couples to divorce court. Divorce is so common nowadays -- expected, even -- that couples start thinking about it at the first sign of trouble.
I have seen enough divorce battles up close to have a good handle on the marital mistakes couples make. Many issues can be worked out -- if there's a real desire on both sides. Here are the most common problems that endanger marriages and strategies to deal with them...
Parallel lives. A couple might live in the same house and share the same bed, but their communication may be perfunctory. They could go for days without really talking.
Both spouses are so busy with their "own" lives that they more or less forget they're married. Whether because of busy careers, child rearing or even time-consuming hobbies, they never make time for each other.
Strategy: Carve out time for each other by picking one night a week to go on a "date." That means time together -- no phone calls or kids. Also, don't let a day go by without having a conversation, even if it is by phone.
I recall one professional couple who had little free time for each other. They decided to share part of every day by walking their dog together. This simple change helped get their marriage back on track.
Infidelity. Cheating spouses who want to save their marriages need to stop cheating and -- assuming that they haven't been discovered -- keep their mouths shut.
Strategy: That's right -- don't tell. Telling a spouse about a one-night stand or an affair that has ended may make you feel less burdened and more virtuous, but you'll have created an enormous obstacle that the marriage may never overcome. Marriages fail not because of an affair, but because of the aftermath.
Warning: If the cat is out of the bag, don't try to fix things alone. Couples who successfully get past a known affair almost always do so with the help of a neutral party, such as a member of the clergy or a therapist.
Sexual incompatibility. Most people who have been married for a while have sex less frequently than they once did. Some people are fine with that. For others, a lack of sex colors their view of the entire marriage.
How powerful is the sexual aspect of a marriage? In three decades, I have never had anyone come into my office wanting a divorce even though sex at home was great.
Strategy: Couples must discuss their sexual needs and wants. The increasing popularity of sexual topics in mainstream media may make it easier to broach the subject. One spouse could refer the other to a relevant article, for example, or they could go to a therapist together.
Problem children. I have seen a number of marriages collapse over differences in how to deal with troublesome children. In the cases I have dealt with, the children were heavy drug users or had serious mental illness, but even minor problems with children can damage a marital relationship.
If spouses already are leading parallel lives, they begin to line up in separate camps with their children. For instance, one spouse might hide a child's misconduct from the other. Then when the misconduct becomes impossible to ignore, the parents take opposite positions. In my experience, mothers frequently think that love and affection will alter their children's behavior, while fathers are more likely to take a tough stance. The fierce arguments that follow can destroy a marriage.
Stepparents have a particularly tough time. The children often try to undermine the new marriage because they see it as a threat to their own relationships with their parents and they still hope that their parents will get back together.
Strategy: Enlist the help of a neutral authoritative third party. When doctors or therapists take over much of the decision making in terms of the child's treatment, the husband and wife can address marital issues and comfort each other, which often brings them closer together.
Money matters. Financial disagreements can cause serious trouble for any couple, no matter how well-off they are. Historically, wives often have been in the dark about a couple's finances -- and this is true even today.
Whether the husband insists on handling the money alone or the wife is willfully ignorant, the result often is heated arguments about finances that spiral into personal attacks on each other's values, common sense and honesty. It undermines a marriage when, for instance, one spouse simply tells the other that the couple can't afford a trip this year.
Strategy: For the best chance of marital success, both spouses should be familiar with the household's finances and have a say in spending and investing. Then the couple's expectations will be similar and, in many cases, more realistic.
Some people think a prenuptial agreement is unromantic, but I'm a big fan of them -- and the lessons I've learned through using prenups can be applied at any time during a marriage.I recommend that engaged, newlywed or even long-married couples talk to an accountant, financial planner or even a divorce lawyer to get a sense of how the economics of the marriage can work. Then they should keep talking about money so that things stay out in the open at home.
Strategies for a Better Marriage
Robert Stephan Cohen, Esq.
Cohen Lans LLP n my 30 years as a matrimonial lawyer, I have listened to countless men and women tell me why their marriages failed. Disagreements over money and lifestyle, and, of course, infidelity, lead all kinds of couples to divorce court. Divorce is so common nowadays -- expected, even -- that couples start thinking about it at the first sign of trouble.
I have seen enough divorce battles up close to have a good handle on the marital mistakes couples make. Many issues can be worked out -- if there's a real desire on both sides. Here are the most common problems that endanger marriages and strategies to deal with them...
Parallel lives. A couple might live in the same house and share the same bed, but their communication may be perfunctory. They could go for days without really talking.
Both spouses are so busy with their "own" lives that they more or less forget they're married. Whether because of busy careers, child rearing or even time-consuming hobbies, they never make time for each other.
Strategy: Carve out time for each other by picking one night a week to go on a "date." That means time together -- no phone calls or kids. Also, don't let a day go by without having a conversation, even if it is by phone.
I recall one professional couple who had little free time for each other. They decided to share part of every day by walking their dog together. This simple change helped get their marriage back on track.
Infidelity. Cheating spouses who want to save their marriages need to stop cheating and -- assuming that they haven't been discovered -- keep their mouths shut.
Strategy: That's right -- don't tell. Telling a spouse about a one-night stand or an affair that has ended may make you feel less burdened and more virtuous, but you'll have created an enormous obstacle that the marriage may never overcome. Marriages fail not because of an affair, but because of the aftermath.
Warning: If the cat is out of the bag, don't try to fix things alone. Couples who successfully get past a known affair almost always do so with the help of a neutral party, such as a member of the clergy or a therapist.
Sexual incompatibility. Most people who have been married for a while have sex less frequently than they once did. Some people are fine with that. For others, a lack of sex colors their view of the entire marriage.
How powerful is the sexual aspect of a marriage? In three decades, I have never had anyone come into my office wanting a divorce even though sex at home was great.
Strategy: Couples must discuss their sexual needs and wants. The increasing popularity of sexual topics in mainstream media may make it easier to broach the subject. One spouse could refer the other to a relevant article, for example, or they could go to a therapist together.
Problem children. I have seen a number of marriages collapse over differences in how to deal with troublesome children. In the cases I have dealt with, the children were heavy drug users or had serious mental illness, but even minor problems with children can damage a marital relationship.
If spouses already are leading parallel lives, they begin to line up in separate camps with their children. For instance, one spouse might hide a child's misconduct from the other. Then when the misconduct becomes impossible to ignore, the parents take opposite positions. In my experience, mothers frequently think that love and affection will alter their children's behavior, while fathers are more likely to take a tough stance. The fierce arguments that follow can destroy a marriage.
Stepparents have a particularly tough time. The children often try to undermine the new marriage because they see it as a threat to their own relationships with their parents and they still hope that their parents will get back together.
Strategy: Enlist the help of a neutral authoritative third party. When doctors or therapists take over much of the decision making in terms of the child's treatment, the husband and wife can address marital issues and comfort each other, which often brings them closer together.
Money matters. Financial disagreements can cause serious trouble for any couple, no matter how well-off they are. Historically, wives often have been in the dark about a couple's finances -- and this is true even today.
Whether the husband insists on handling the money alone or the wife is willfully ignorant, the result often is heated arguments about finances that spiral into personal attacks on each other's values, common sense and honesty. It undermines a marriage when, for instance, one spouse simply tells the other that the couple can't afford a trip this year.
Strategy: For the best chance of marital success, both spouses should be familiar with the household's finances and have a say in spending and investing. Then the couple's expectations will be similar and, in many cases, more realistic.
Some people think a prenuptial agreement is unromantic, but I'm a big fan of them -- and the lessons I've learned through using prenups can be applied at any time during a marriage.I recommend that engaged, newlywed or even long-married couples talk to an accountant, financial planner or even a divorce lawyer to get a sense of how the economics of the marriage can work. Then they should keep talking about money so that things stay out in the open at home.
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