Positive Ways to Deal with Complainers, Pessimists and Other Negative People
Jack Canfield
T he world is full of cynics, whiners and naysayers. It’s best to weed out the negative people from our lives and spend time with those who uplift and encourage us, but some negative people aren't easy to avoid. They could be coworkers, neighbors, parents, spouses, siblings, even our children. Eight strategies to deal with negative people...
Concede the negative person's point quickly and completely. Whatever he/she complains about, tell him that you agree, then take his argument even further. This leaves the complainer with nowhere to go on the subject, and it might shut him up or elicit an admission that the situation is not really that bad.
Example: My mother used to tell me that I was a horrible son because I didn't call her often enough. Arguing got me nowhere. Finally I told her, "You're right. I am a horrible son. If I had a son like me, I would think he was horrible, too." She responded, "Oh, you're not that bad."
Set conversational boundaries. Some people become negative only when certain topics are broached. Tell them that you do not wish to discuss these topics with them in the future, and ask them to agree that this is okay. (You may have to provide occasional reminders of this agreement in the future.) Do not tell them that their poor attitudes are the reason you want this restriction -- that might lead to arguments. Just say that you feel uncomfortable talking about these topics.
Example: A man might tell his brother, "Let's not talk about our careers anymore. I feel uncomfortable because our views about the workplace are different, and I don't like to argue with you."
Share inspirational stories. Some negative people truly believe that success is impossible. Sharing stories about the victories of others might open them up to the possibility of success in their own lives. Use stories from your own experience, or find material in biographies, memoirs and articles about successful people.
Turn complaining sessions into strategy sessions. Sometimes negativity can be transformed into a mandate for action. Tell the negative person that his complaints have merit -- so let's find a way to improve the situation.
Example: A neighbor complains endlessly about the stupidity of local government. Encourage him to circulate a petition or write an editorial for the local newspaper.
Complainers often respond to calls to action with some variation of "What's the point? I can't change anything." Explain that if they just sit around complaining, things are guaranteed not to change. If they take action, at least they have a chance.
Use humor. A joke can help lift the dark cloud that a negative person can bring down upon a room. Just make sure that your jokes are about yourself or the situation and never about the negative person. Making jokes at a negative person's expense will worsen his mood.
Separate the past from the future. Negative people often are negative because they have suffered past defeats. These people tend to shoot down ideas with statements such as "We tried that five years ago. It didn't work." Respond that while past experience is worth considering, it is not always a guarantee of what will happen in the future. The world has changed... the economy has changed... technology has changed... and the people involved have new skills. An idea that failed five years ago might succeed today.
Press for solutions. Negative people are good at telling us why our ideas will not work, but they are very bad at telling us how to overcome these problems. Whenever a negative person mentions a perceived problem, immediately ask him (and anyone else present) to come up with three potential solutions. This encourages people to focus on a solution rather than the problem. Over time, this can become a new way of thinking for them.
Cross out the problems. Draw a line down the middle of a dry-erase board or a piece of paper. On one side write, "Ways we could make this plan work"... on the other, "Reasons this plan will not work." Ask for suggestions for both columns. You can do this with a spouse, children, even coworkers. When all the thoughts are in, draw a big X through the second column and say, "Let's focus on what we can accomplish." This approach allows negative people to express themselves and then move on.
Example: A businessman I know wanted to stage a fund-raiser for the victims of a natural disaster just days after the disaster occurred. The negative people in his group protested that it takes weeks to get such a project off the ground. The businessman listed all of their reservations, then crossed them out and encouraged the group to focus on what could be done. He ended up raising $3 million in three days.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
life does not have to suck
If Life Stinks, You Can Turn It Around
Alan H. Cohen Omega Institute
t used to be that nice people did not use the word "suck." Today, you hear nice people saying it just about everywhere -- in particular, the phrase, "Life sucks."
Now, you may be thinking that's not how you would describe your life. But consider: Are there parts of your life that aren't working? Are you failing to reach the joy and satisfaction you'd hoped for? If your answer to either of these is yes, here are six questions to consider to add joy and balance to your life...
Do you give away your power? Anytime you make someone or something outside of you more important than what is inside you, you're giving away your personal power.
Example A: You let others make decisions for you, from what movie to see to where you live.
How to change: Start making this type of decision for yourself, being sure that it represents your true desires, not your need to please.
Example B: You assume your destiny depends on something beyond your control, such as the stars, politics or the workplace.
How to change: You can choose to fret and become miserable -- or choose not to worry and be cheerful. Sculpt your life through your own attitudes and outlook.
Are your expectations too low? All of us inherit a set of beliefs. The question is, do you live your life bound by them or do you expand your beliefs to encompass all that life has to offer? By hanging on to self-defeating beliefs and low expectations, you'll continue to operate at a low level instead of going full throttle ahead. Here are some ways to loosen the bonds of negative beliefs...
Forgive others. Don't waste your precious life stewing over someone else's bad behavior.
Forgive yourself. Instead of revisiting past actions and feeling guilty, ask yourself how the experiences moved you to a new place and be thankful you arrived there.
Expect that good can -- and does -- come to you frequently. Your life will shrink or expand according to your expectations, so think big and accept more.
Are your thoughts sinking you? Many people have been programmed to think of life as a sea of troubles. In fact, it is an ocean of possibilities, a wonderful adventure to be enjoyed. Many people perceive themselves as deprived -- of money, love, time, etc. The tricky thing about perceptions is that they become self-fulfilling. Focus on abundance.
Some ways to do this: Make a gratitude list. As you are going to bed, think about the things you appreciated during the day. Avoid watching the dark side of the news. Quit complaining about what isn't working, and concentrate on what you can do to make things work.
Choose to talk about what you enjoy -- a visit to an art gallery, a great book, an afternoon at the beach. See how it lightens your life. Don't dwell on the negative.
Do you waste your time doing things that "suck"? Write down your activities over the course of a week. Then rate each according to whether it enhances your life or diminishes it, with 10 being the best. This will tell you what erodes the quality of your life. Now write next to each item ways that you can maximize what lifts you and minimize the downers.
Do you think you have to fix everything -- including other people? Control freaks don't have a power issue, they have a trust issue as in, "Nothing gets done right unless I do it myself."
The truth is, our expectations of others play a major role in how they behave. Expect the best and that's what you are likely to get. Trust people for a change, and invite others in to help. You'll give yourself the gift of more time to pursue activities that renew you. Those around you will appreciate you more, not less, for your faith in them.
While you're at it, give up trying to fix others. No one can fix anyone else, and no one can make someone else happy or unhappy. Only the person himself/herself can do that -- even though he might try to persuade you otherwise.
Are you enjoying the journey? The happiest people evaluate life by the quality of their experiences, including those that have ended. Honor your past shining moments as you embrace the present. A day is no less glorious because it gives way to night... a glowing career is no less satisfying because you retired... a relationship that once brought you happiness is no less wonderful because it came apart in the end.
Alan H. Cohen Omega Institute
t used to be that nice people did not use the word "suck." Today, you hear nice people saying it just about everywhere -- in particular, the phrase, "Life sucks."
Now, you may be thinking that's not how you would describe your life. But consider: Are there parts of your life that aren't working? Are you failing to reach the joy and satisfaction you'd hoped for? If your answer to either of these is yes, here are six questions to consider to add joy and balance to your life...
Do you give away your power? Anytime you make someone or something outside of you more important than what is inside you, you're giving away your personal power.
Example A: You let others make decisions for you, from what movie to see to where you live.
How to change: Start making this type of decision for yourself, being sure that it represents your true desires, not your need to please.
Example B: You assume your destiny depends on something beyond your control, such as the stars, politics or the workplace.
How to change: You can choose to fret and become miserable -- or choose not to worry and be cheerful. Sculpt your life through your own attitudes and outlook.
Are your expectations too low? All of us inherit a set of beliefs. The question is, do you live your life bound by them or do you expand your beliefs to encompass all that life has to offer? By hanging on to self-defeating beliefs and low expectations, you'll continue to operate at a low level instead of going full throttle ahead. Here are some ways to loosen the bonds of negative beliefs...
Forgive others. Don't waste your precious life stewing over someone else's bad behavior.
Forgive yourself. Instead of revisiting past actions and feeling guilty, ask yourself how the experiences moved you to a new place and be thankful you arrived there.
Expect that good can -- and does -- come to you frequently. Your life will shrink or expand according to your expectations, so think big and accept more.
Are your thoughts sinking you? Many people have been programmed to think of life as a sea of troubles. In fact, it is an ocean of possibilities, a wonderful adventure to be enjoyed. Many people perceive themselves as deprived -- of money, love, time, etc. The tricky thing about perceptions is that they become self-fulfilling. Focus on abundance.
Some ways to do this: Make a gratitude list. As you are going to bed, think about the things you appreciated during the day. Avoid watching the dark side of the news. Quit complaining about what isn't working, and concentrate on what you can do to make things work.
Choose to talk about what you enjoy -- a visit to an art gallery, a great book, an afternoon at the beach. See how it lightens your life. Don't dwell on the negative.
Do you waste your time doing things that "suck"? Write down your activities over the course of a week. Then rate each according to whether it enhances your life or diminishes it, with 10 being the best. This will tell you what erodes the quality of your life. Now write next to each item ways that you can maximize what lifts you and minimize the downers.
Do you think you have to fix everything -- including other people? Control freaks don't have a power issue, they have a trust issue as in, "Nothing gets done right unless I do it myself."
The truth is, our expectations of others play a major role in how they behave. Expect the best and that's what you are likely to get. Trust people for a change, and invite others in to help. You'll give yourself the gift of more time to pursue activities that renew you. Those around you will appreciate you more, not less, for your faith in them.
While you're at it, give up trying to fix others. No one can fix anyone else, and no one can make someone else happy or unhappy. Only the person himself/herself can do that -- even though he might try to persuade you otherwise.
Are you enjoying the journey? The happiest people evaluate life by the quality of their experiences, including those that have ended. Honor your past shining moments as you embrace the present. A day is no less glorious because it gives way to night... a glowing career is no less satisfying because you retired... a relationship that once brought you happiness is no less wonderful because it came apart in the end.
life does not have to suck
If Life Stinks, You Can Turn It Around
Alan H. Cohen Omega Institute
t used to be that nice people did not use the word "suck." Today, you hear nice people saying it just about everywhere -- in particular, the phrase, "Life sucks."
Now, you may be thinking that's not how you would describe your life. But consider: Are there parts of your life that aren't working? Are you failing to reach the joy and satisfaction you'd hoped for? If your answer to either of these is yes, here are six questions to consider to add joy and balance to your life...
Do you give away your power? Anytime you make someone or something outside of you more important than what is inside you, you're giving away your personal power.
Example A: You let others make decisions for you, from what movie to see to where you live.
How to change: Start making this type of decision for yourself, being sure that it represents your true desires, not your need to please.
Example B: You assume your destiny depends on something beyond your control, such as the stars, politics or the workplace.
How to change: You can choose to fret and become miserable -- or choose not to worry and be cheerful. Sculpt your life through your own attitudes and outlook.
Are your expectations too low? All of us inherit a set of beliefs. The question is, do you live your life bound by them or do you expand your beliefs to encompass all that life has to offer? By hanging on to self-defeating beliefs and low expectations, you'll continue to operate at a low level instead of going full throttle ahead. Here are some ways to loosen the bonds of negative beliefs...
Forgive others. Don't waste your precious life stewing over someone else's bad behavior.
Forgive yourself. Instead of revisiting past actions and feeling guilty, ask yourself how the experiences moved you to a new place and be thankful you arrived there.
Expect that good can -- and does -- come to you frequently. Your life will shrink or expand according to your expectations, so think big and accept more.
Are your thoughts sinking you? Many people have been programmed to think of life as a sea of troubles. In fact, it is an ocean of possibilities, a wonderful adventure to be enjoyed. Many people perceive themselves as deprived -- of money, love, time, etc. The tricky thing about perceptions is that they become self-fulfilling. Focus on abundance.
Some ways to do this: Make a gratitude list. As you are going to bed, think about the things you appreciated during the day. Avoid watching the dark side of the news. Quit complaining about what isn't working, and concentrate on what you can do to make things work.
Choose to talk about what you enjoy -- a visit to an art gallery, a great book, an afternoon at the beach. See how it lightens your life. Don't dwell on the negative.
Do you waste your time doing things that "suck"? Write down your activities over the course of a week. Then rate each according to whether it enhances your life or diminishes it, with 10 being the best. This will tell you what erodes the quality of your life. Now write next to each item ways that you can maximize what lifts you and minimize the downers.
Do you think you have to fix everything -- including other people? Control freaks don't have a power issue, they have a trust issue as in, "Nothing gets done right unless I do it myself."
The truth is, our expectations of others play a major role in how they behave. Expect the best and that's what you are likely to get. Trust people for a change, and invite others in to help. You'll give yourself the gift of more time to pursue activities that renew you. Those around you will appreciate you more, not less, for your faith in them.
While you're at it, give up trying to fix others. No one can fix anyone else, and no one can make someone else happy or unhappy. Only the person himself/herself can do that -- even though he might try to persuade you otherwise.
Are you enjoying the journey? The happiest people evaluate life by the quality of their experiences, including those that have ended. Honor your past shining moments as you embrace the present. A day is no less glorious because it gives way to night... a glowing career is no less satisfying because you retired... a relationship that once brought you happiness is no less wonderful because it came apart in the end.
Alan H. Cohen Omega Institute
t used to be that nice people did not use the word "suck." Today, you hear nice people saying it just about everywhere -- in particular, the phrase, "Life sucks."
Now, you may be thinking that's not how you would describe your life. But consider: Are there parts of your life that aren't working? Are you failing to reach the joy and satisfaction you'd hoped for? If your answer to either of these is yes, here are six questions to consider to add joy and balance to your life...
Do you give away your power? Anytime you make someone or something outside of you more important than what is inside you, you're giving away your personal power.
Example A: You let others make decisions for you, from what movie to see to where you live.
How to change: Start making this type of decision for yourself, being sure that it represents your true desires, not your need to please.
Example B: You assume your destiny depends on something beyond your control, such as the stars, politics or the workplace.
How to change: You can choose to fret and become miserable -- or choose not to worry and be cheerful. Sculpt your life through your own attitudes and outlook.
Are your expectations too low? All of us inherit a set of beliefs. The question is, do you live your life bound by them or do you expand your beliefs to encompass all that life has to offer? By hanging on to self-defeating beliefs and low expectations, you'll continue to operate at a low level instead of going full throttle ahead. Here are some ways to loosen the bonds of negative beliefs...
Forgive others. Don't waste your precious life stewing over someone else's bad behavior.
Forgive yourself. Instead of revisiting past actions and feeling guilty, ask yourself how the experiences moved you to a new place and be thankful you arrived there.
Expect that good can -- and does -- come to you frequently. Your life will shrink or expand according to your expectations, so think big and accept more.
Are your thoughts sinking you? Many people have been programmed to think of life as a sea of troubles. In fact, it is an ocean of possibilities, a wonderful adventure to be enjoyed. Many people perceive themselves as deprived -- of money, love, time, etc. The tricky thing about perceptions is that they become self-fulfilling. Focus on abundance.
Some ways to do this: Make a gratitude list. As you are going to bed, think about the things you appreciated during the day. Avoid watching the dark side of the news. Quit complaining about what isn't working, and concentrate on what you can do to make things work.
Choose to talk about what you enjoy -- a visit to an art gallery, a great book, an afternoon at the beach. See how it lightens your life. Don't dwell on the negative.
Do you waste your time doing things that "suck"? Write down your activities over the course of a week. Then rate each according to whether it enhances your life or diminishes it, with 10 being the best. This will tell you what erodes the quality of your life. Now write next to each item ways that you can maximize what lifts you and minimize the downers.
Do you think you have to fix everything -- including other people? Control freaks don't have a power issue, they have a trust issue as in, "Nothing gets done right unless I do it myself."
The truth is, our expectations of others play a major role in how they behave. Expect the best and that's what you are likely to get. Trust people for a change, and invite others in to help. You'll give yourself the gift of more time to pursue activities that renew you. Those around you will appreciate you more, not less, for your faith in them.
While you're at it, give up trying to fix others. No one can fix anyone else, and no one can make someone else happy or unhappy. Only the person himself/herself can do that -- even though he might try to persuade you otherwise.
Are you enjoying the journey? The happiest people evaluate life by the quality of their experiences, including those that have ended. Honor your past shining moments as you embrace the present. A day is no less glorious because it gives way to night... a glowing career is no less satisfying because you retired... a relationship that once brought you happiness is no less wonderful because it came apart in the end.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
sweet sex
Short and Sweet Intercourse Satisfies Most...
Old married folks have joked about it for years... the reality of lovemaking with your partner is that it is rarely as long and intense as in the movies. Whereas the movie-star version of sexual intercourse may look like an epic drama, real people make far faster work of it -- and the dirty little secret recently uncovered by researchers at Penn State is that most of us should be perfectly happy with short, sweet intimate encounters.
HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?
Eric Corty, PhD, associate professor of clinical psychology at Penn State Erie, The Behrend College, polled members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) -- therapists and other professionals in human sexuality -- for their opinion. The results may surprise you.
Dr. Corty got responses from 34 SSTAR members (average length of time in practice was 26 years), who reported their opinion, partly based on the sexual experiences of their clients. Defining intercourse as lasting from penetration to ejaculation, it was deemed "adequate" if it lasts three to seven minutes. A "desirable" amount of time would be from seven to 13 minutes. Intercourse that lasts just one to two minutes was too short. It seemed too long (yes, too long) when and if it continues from 10 to 30 minutes. And, no, there was no difference between what men and women reported... there was a general consensus from both genders about what constitutes a desirable length of time.
Just as it is said that you can't be too rich or too thin, Dr. Corty told me he had longstanding curiosity about the popular idea that there's no such thing as sex that lasts too long. Dr. Corty felt concern that this belief put unrealistic performance expectations upon men, so he wanted to know if such longevity is a myth or if it is actually desirable. What he learned from the sex therapists is that prolonged intercourse generally means there is a problem -- men suffering from delayed or retarded ejaculation rather than possessing remarkable stamina. It turns out that such long-lasting intercourse is uncomfortable for the women involved as well -- Dr. Corty says, as they end up questioning their desirability.
GOOD SEX IS...
What the survey did not evaluate however, was how much time couples devote to foreplay. Dr. Corty says he didn't ask about this and admits that the idea of intercourse as specifically penetration is a male-focused view of sex. However, he says that loving and satisfying sex should indeed include "hugging, kissing, caressing, etc.," in order to be fulfilling for both people, however long it lasts.
Source(s):
Eric Corty, PhD, associate professor of clinical psychology, Penn State Erie, The Behrend College.
Old married folks have joked about it for years... the reality of lovemaking with your partner is that it is rarely as long and intense as in the movies. Whereas the movie-star version of sexual intercourse may look like an epic drama, real people make far faster work of it -- and the dirty little secret recently uncovered by researchers at Penn State is that most of us should be perfectly happy with short, sweet intimate encounters.
HOW LONG IS TOO LONG?
Eric Corty, PhD, associate professor of clinical psychology at Penn State Erie, The Behrend College, polled members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) -- therapists and other professionals in human sexuality -- for their opinion. The results may surprise you.
Dr. Corty got responses from 34 SSTAR members (average length of time in practice was 26 years), who reported their opinion, partly based on the sexual experiences of their clients. Defining intercourse as lasting from penetration to ejaculation, it was deemed "adequate" if it lasts three to seven minutes. A "desirable" amount of time would be from seven to 13 minutes. Intercourse that lasts just one to two minutes was too short. It seemed too long (yes, too long) when and if it continues from 10 to 30 minutes. And, no, there was no difference between what men and women reported... there was a general consensus from both genders about what constitutes a desirable length of time.
Just as it is said that you can't be too rich or too thin, Dr. Corty told me he had longstanding curiosity about the popular idea that there's no such thing as sex that lasts too long. Dr. Corty felt concern that this belief put unrealistic performance expectations upon men, so he wanted to know if such longevity is a myth or if it is actually desirable. What he learned from the sex therapists is that prolonged intercourse generally means there is a problem -- men suffering from delayed or retarded ejaculation rather than possessing remarkable stamina. It turns out that such long-lasting intercourse is uncomfortable for the women involved as well -- Dr. Corty says, as they end up questioning their desirability.
GOOD SEX IS...
What the survey did not evaluate however, was how much time couples devote to foreplay. Dr. Corty says he didn't ask about this and admits that the idea of intercourse as specifically penetration is a male-focused view of sex. However, he says that loving and satisfying sex should indeed include "hugging, kissing, caressing, etc.," in order to be fulfilling for both people, however long it lasts.
Source(s):
Eric Corty, PhD, associate professor of clinical psychology, Penn State Erie, The Behrend College.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Seniors Having More Sex Than Ever on Yahoo! Health
Seniors Having More Sex Than Ever on Yahoo! Health: "Seniors Having More Sex Than Ever
By Alan Mozes, HealthDay Reporter - Wed Jul 9, 8:47 PM PDTProvided by:
Not yet rated- WEDNESDAY, July 9 (HealthDay News) -- When it comes to sex, grandma and grandpa are having more of it these days, new Swedish research suggests.
According to the study, the last quarter century has seen a dramatic rise in the frequency of sex among the 70-year-old set, whether married or unmarried. And as an added bonus, seniors today (particularly women) say they're much more satisfied with their liaisons than the previous generation -- facing less sexual dysfunction and feeling more positive about the experience.
'Our study shows that a large majority of elderly consider sexual activity and sexual feelings a natural part of late life,' said study author Nils Beckman, a doctoral candidate with the neuropsychiatric epidemiology unit at the Institute of Neuroscience and Physiology at Gothenburg University. 'It is thus important that health professionals and others"
By Alan Mozes, HealthDay Reporter - Wed Jul 9, 8:47 PM PDTProvided by:
Not yet rated- WEDNESDAY, July 9 (HealthDay News) -- When it comes to sex, grandma and grandpa are having more of it these days, new Swedish research suggests.
According to the study, the last quarter century has seen a dramatic rise in the frequency of sex among the 70-year-old set, whether married or unmarried. And as an added bonus, seniors today (particularly women) say they're much more satisfied with their liaisons than the previous generation -- facing less sexual dysfunction and feeling more positive about the experience.
'Our study shows that a large majority of elderly consider sexual activity and sexual feelings a natural part of late life,' said study author Nils Beckman, a doctoral candidate with the neuropsychiatric epidemiology unit at the Institute of Neuroscience and Physiology at Gothenburg University. 'It is thus important that health professionals and others"
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
To do or not to do that is question?
The my job is doing nothing , my job is doing anything approach and debate to life challenges
Do opposites attract ? -The do nothing (hopeless) vs the do anything (can do) group of people . ....Sometimes they attract each other - but only for a limited time . One group sucks energy and is an wasteful,energy vampire - the other group has only so much add value energy or blood to give and ends up restricting their energy to the do nothing group in self defense. It is true that a discharged battery of energy has no vitality, no spark and cannot add value to anything. A spent force has little force-a force that nobody desires , respects . wants or fears. Despite the fact that the people around you right now might be less than thrilled about what is going on, you have to keep your bright outlook! Don't join in with others who might be throwing a great big pity party -life is tough and unfair party - they are never much fun after everyone agrees to be to be miserable. Let other people live under a cloud while you choose to stay hopeful and focused on going where it is that you want to go. Of course, you need to be prepared to go there by yourself.
Despite the fact that the people around you right now might be less than thrilled about what is going on, you have to keep your bright outlook! Don't join in with others who might be throwing a great big pity party -life is tough and unfair party - they are never much fun after everyone agrees to be miserable. Let other people live under a cloud while you choose to stay hopeful and focused on going where it is that you want to go. Of course, you need to be prepared to go there by yourself.
As the great, wise American scholar Rocky Balboa once said "It's not how hard you hit, it's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." If that statement doesn't sum up the life we all face I don't know what does. Through each challenge and failure we must stay hopeful and know that failure always leads to a better future if we have an attitude of faith, are open to the possibilities and trust that new and exciting opportunities are coming our way. We have to look at failure not as a dead end but rather as a detour to a better outcome than we could have ever imagined.
If you are experiencing a failure , a personal crisis, right now at work or home please know you are not alone. If you haven't failed you haven't lived. It's time to ask what you can learn from your failure. What is it teaching you about yourself and your team? Realize it's all a test. Then it's time to fail forward, let the do nothing bags off the relationship bus, step on the gas pedal, and travel light. Your do-it destiny is always waiting for you! How will you fail forward? Start doing something or anything about it , your job is never to do nothing -a sure fire , pityful , real dead end situation to nowhere. Stay Positive!
Do something ,anything is better then nothing ! Surround yourself with positive influences ,people . opportunities, adventures and re-energize yourself.
Sieg Holle ( my next hellium article - proving that negative vibes can turn positive-with fall forward results
About the author
Siegfried Holle, BS, M.B.A , is a seasoned business consultant and entrepreneur , who gives enterprising people the confidence, support knowledge and action plans they need to start, run and grow their own lucrative independent entrepreneurial businesses - much sooner and more easily than they could by themselves. For information, resources, more business survival tip articles and a complimentary new business recommendation, contact the author at siegholle@gmail.com or visit his latest opportunity site
A professional business leader registered in the National Registers Who's Who in the executives and professionals' classification, Holle holds an M.B.A. in marketing and logistics from Indiana University and a B.S. in business with honors. He is a serial business and social entrepreneur, with extensive experience in real life client challenges.
Do opposites attract ? -The do nothing (hopeless) vs the do anything (can do) group of people . ....Sometimes they attract each other - but only for a limited time . One group sucks energy and is an wasteful,energy vampire - the other group has only so much add value energy or blood to give and ends up restricting their energy to the do nothing group in self defense. It is true that a discharged battery of energy has no vitality, no spark and cannot add value to anything. A spent force has little force-a force that nobody desires , respects . wants or fears. Despite the fact that the people around you right now might be less than thrilled about what is going on, you have to keep your bright outlook! Don't join in with others who might be throwing a great big pity party -life is tough and unfair party - they are never much fun after everyone agrees to be to be miserable. Let other people live under a cloud while you choose to stay hopeful and focused on going where it is that you want to go. Of course, you need to be prepared to go there by yourself.
Despite the fact that the people around you right now might be less than thrilled about what is going on, you have to keep your bright outlook! Don't join in with others who might be throwing a great big pity party -life is tough and unfair party - they are never much fun after everyone agrees to be miserable. Let other people live under a cloud while you choose to stay hopeful and focused on going where it is that you want to go. Of course, you need to be prepared to go there by yourself.
As the great, wise American scholar Rocky Balboa once said "It's not how hard you hit, it's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." If that statement doesn't sum up the life we all face I don't know what does. Through each challenge and failure we must stay hopeful and know that failure always leads to a better future if we have an attitude of faith, are open to the possibilities and trust that new and exciting opportunities are coming our way. We have to look at failure not as a dead end but rather as a detour to a better outcome than we could have ever imagined.
If you are experiencing a failure , a personal crisis, right now at work or home please know you are not alone. If you haven't failed you haven't lived. It's time to ask what you can learn from your failure. What is it teaching you about yourself and your team? Realize it's all a test. Then it's time to fail forward, let the do nothing bags off the relationship bus, step on the gas pedal, and travel light. Your do-it destiny is always waiting for you! How will you fail forward? Start doing something or anything about it , your job is never to do nothing -a sure fire , pityful , real dead end situation to nowhere. Stay Positive!
Do something ,anything is better then nothing ! Surround yourself with positive influences ,people . opportunities, adventures and re-energize yourself.
Sieg Holle ( my next hellium article - proving that negative vibes can turn positive-with fall forward results
About the author
Siegfried Holle, BS, M.B.A , is a seasoned business consultant and entrepreneur , who gives enterprising people the confidence, support knowledge and action plans they need to start, run and grow their own lucrative independent entrepreneurial businesses - much sooner and more easily than they could by themselves. For information, resources, more business survival tip articles and a complimentary new business recommendation, contact the author at siegholle@gmail.com or visit his latest opportunity site
A professional business leader registered in the National Registers Who's Who in the executives and professionals' classification, Holle holds an M.B.A. in marketing and logistics from Indiana University and a B.S. in business with honors. He is a serial business and social entrepreneur, with extensive experience in real life client challenges.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
The power of sensative thought
Do you believe in the Carter principle of men women relationships? Can relationships be fixed?
REASON #1 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
The Pleasure Principle
Men and women want to feel good in their lives and in their relationships. If you're constantly freaking out on a manabout something he's doing or saying, you're quickly turning into a person who isn't fun to be around. He just won't feel that good around you. This has a huge impact on whether or not he'll want to invest more time and energy into you and your relationship. Or if he'll decide to give up on trying to fixwhat's going on so you can both feel good together.
REASON #2 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
Emotional Experience and the Future
The way a woman acts in "little" situations become indicators to a man about how she'll respond when things REALLY get tough in the future. So if a woman is constantly emotional or negative, even when a man does what he can to "reassure" her... he isn't going to believe thingswill get better the longer he's with her.
He's going to feel as if he has to "walk on eggshells" around you, and that doesn't make ANYONE feel good about staying in a relationship.
REASON #3 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
Lost Feelings of Attraction Sure, love is important to a man. But experiencing those addicting and exciting feelings of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he loves are just as important.
Because when a man feels ATTRACTION and love,working out the little problems is a piece of cake. When he stops feeling that connection, he'llforget why he's with you in the first place, and the relationship will start to feel like a whole bunch of "work" to him.
(By the way, trying to "fix" things by talking about working on "the relationship" is a big mistake. A man wants to DO fun and enjoyable THINGS together - not talk - to know it's working) Sometimes a man will say he cares about you,or maybe even loves you, but he'll admit he's not "in love" with you.If you've ever heard that from your man, it's a symptom that he's not feeling that gut-level of ATTRACTION for you, despite having affectionate feelings for you. Creating that gut-level of attraction and sharing that attraction is one of the most powerful and important keys to giving a man his own reason for wanting to be with you, no matterwhat. I'm not talking about physical attraction,either.I'm talking about the EMOTIONAL and INTELLECTUAL attraction that comes from a deeper,more subconscious place.
REASON #4 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
Neediness
A man wants to be with a woman who brings something BETTER to his life, not take away his time, energy and emotional "stability." So when a woman doesn't have much going on for herself or her life BESIDES the relationship,it's a big red flag to the man. It tells him she focuses too much on the relationship as the source of her happiness. She stops hanging out with her friends as much, she stops focusing on her own interests or hobbies and she feels "controlled" by the relationship in some way. This not only looks "needy" to a man, but he realizes she isn't bringing a lot into the relationship on her own. How can you tell you're guilty of this? Have you ever said this to yourself after abreak-up:
"I can't believe how I lost touch with my friends while I was with that guy." "I can't believe I let him control me like that." "Where did my life go?" "What happened to the REAL ME? I wasted so much time in that relationship, when I could have been doing things for myself or my future."
The reality is that no man and no relationship can or should be EVERYTHING to you. You shouldn't have to sacrifice all yourtime and energy on a man. And the point is, he doesn't WANT you to. At least, no mature, "together" man will want you to.(Controlling, psychotic men? Well, that's another story.)
REASON #5 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
"She's Trying to Fix Me"
A man can and will change and compromise for a woman. It's a fact. I see it all the time when men let go of their "bachelor lifestyles" for one special woman. But a man has to have his OWN REASONS to change. A lot of women try to change a man by showing him how it will affect THEM as a couple,not him alone. People are motivated by things THEY WANT, not by things others want. If you want a man to change, you have to try to show him how it willbenefit him and him alone, not you or your relationship. Just remember, if a man is deeply committed to you and your relationship and he isn't feeling or experiencing too many of the above "reasons" for leaving, then any issues you have will feel like small bumps in the road to him. He'll be confident, open, and secure about working things out with you. And here's something you'll want to know... Trying to figure things out on your own with a man, and hoping you'll suddenly start reconnecting with him when things haven't been going well for days, weeks, or even months is like making a risky bet with money you can't afford to lose.
REASON #1 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
The Pleasure Principle
Men and women want to feel good in their lives and in their relationships. If you're constantly freaking out on a manabout something he's doing or saying, you're quickly turning into a person who isn't fun to be around. He just won't feel that good around you. This has a huge impact on whether or not he'll want to invest more time and energy into you and your relationship. Or if he'll decide to give up on trying to fixwhat's going on so you can both feel good together.
REASON #2 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
Emotional Experience and the Future
The way a woman acts in "little" situations become indicators to a man about how she'll respond when things REALLY get tough in the future. So if a woman is constantly emotional or negative, even when a man does what he can to "reassure" her... he isn't going to believe thingswill get better the longer he's with her.
He's going to feel as if he has to "walk on eggshells" around you, and that doesn't make ANYONE feel good about staying in a relationship.
REASON #3 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
Lost Feelings of Attraction Sure, love is important to a man. But experiencing those addicting and exciting feelings of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he loves are just as important.
Because when a man feels ATTRACTION and love,working out the little problems is a piece of cake. When he stops feeling that connection, he'llforget why he's with you in the first place, and the relationship will start to feel like a whole bunch of "work" to him.
(By the way, trying to "fix" things by talking about working on "the relationship" is a big mistake. A man wants to DO fun and enjoyable THINGS together - not talk - to know it's working) Sometimes a man will say he cares about you,or maybe even loves you, but he'll admit he's not "in love" with you.If you've ever heard that from your man, it's a symptom that he's not feeling that gut-level of ATTRACTION for you, despite having affectionate feelings for you. Creating that gut-level of attraction and sharing that attraction is one of the most powerful and important keys to giving a man his own reason for wanting to be with you, no matterwhat. I'm not talking about physical attraction,either.I'm talking about the EMOTIONAL and INTELLECTUAL attraction that comes from a deeper,more subconscious place.
REASON #4 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
Neediness
A man wants to be with a woman who brings something BETTER to his life, not take away his time, energy and emotional "stability." So when a woman doesn't have much going on for herself or her life BESIDES the relationship,it's a big red flag to the man. It tells him she focuses too much on the relationship as the source of her happiness. She stops hanging out with her friends as much, she stops focusing on her own interests or hobbies and she feels "controlled" by the relationship in some way. This not only looks "needy" to a man, but he realizes she isn't bringing a lot into the relationship on her own. How can you tell you're guilty of this? Have you ever said this to yourself after abreak-up:
"I can't believe how I lost touch with my friends while I was with that guy." "I can't believe I let him control me like that." "Where did my life go?" "What happened to the REAL ME? I wasted so much time in that relationship, when I could have been doing things for myself or my future."
The reality is that no man and no relationship can or should be EVERYTHING to you. You shouldn't have to sacrifice all yourtime and energy on a man. And the point is, he doesn't WANT you to. At least, no mature, "together" man will want you to.(Controlling, psychotic men? Well, that's another story.)
REASON #5 WHY MEN LEAVE RELATIONSHIPS:
"She's Trying to Fix Me"
A man can and will change and compromise for a woman. It's a fact. I see it all the time when men let go of their "bachelor lifestyles" for one special woman. But a man has to have his OWN REASONS to change. A lot of women try to change a man by showing him how it will affect THEM as a couple,not him alone. People are motivated by things THEY WANT, not by things others want. If you want a man to change, you have to try to show him how it willbenefit him and him alone, not you or your relationship. Just remember, if a man is deeply committed to you and your relationship and he isn't feeling or experiencing too many of the above "reasons" for leaving, then any issues you have will feel like small bumps in the road to him. He'll be confident, open, and secure about working things out with you. And here's something you'll want to know... Trying to figure things out on your own with a man, and hoping you'll suddenly start reconnecting with him when things haven't been going well for days, weeks, or even months is like making a risky bet with money you can't afford to lose.
Monday, March 24, 2008
A good sleep is worth its weight in gold
A Dozen Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep
Who doesn't need more sleep? Practically everyone I know complains about lack of sleep, whether due to a busy schedule, stress that keeps the brain buzzing or plain old insomnia. For those who think they've "tried it all," Sonia Ancoli-Israel, PhD, psychiatry professor at University of California, San Diego, and director of the Sleep Disorders Clinic in the Veterans Affairs Health Care Systems, has offbeat suggestions that really work. She explains why you might sleep better if you leave your sunglasses at home, what buying a low-wattage nightlight can do and why you should learn to love a hot bath at bedtime, among other things.
A Dozen Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep
Sonia Ancoli-Israel, PhD
University of California, San Diego n any given year, 40 million Americans have chronic difficulties falling or staying asleep, while another 20 million report occasional sleep problems. It's no wonder that US doctors write as many as 43 million prescriptions for sleeping pills a year. Medication may help you sleep better immediately, but the best long-term solution is to encourage your body's natural sleep mechanism to operate more effectively.
There are a lot of myths and misperceptions about how to get a better night's rest -- and some sleeping secrets that most people have never heard of. Here are some rules to help you sleep better...
Wake up at the same time each day. Sleep is controlled by biological rhythms (also called circadian rhythms) that follow a very set schedule. To align your sleep pattern with these internal rhythms, it's important to wake up at the same time each morning.
Reason: Your biological rhythms aren't perfectly regular, but, for the best sleep, they do need at least one stable point in time around which they can fluctuate. While you can't always control when you fall asleep, you can control the time you wake up each day.
Another reason to maintain a consistent wake-up time is that, just as you need a certain amount of sleep to feel rested and alert, you also need a certain amount of time awake each day in order to feel sleepy at night.
Rising at the same time each day -- as opposed to "sleeping in" on the weekends, for example -- ensures that you will be awake long enough to fall asleep at your normal bedtime.
Spend time in sunlight. Even being outdoors on a cloudy day helps. In general, the more light exposure you get during the day, the better you'll sleep at night.
While you don't want to look directly at the sun, sunglasses will block the effect of the bright light. Check with your doctor about how much time he/she thinks is safe for you to spend in bright sunlight without sunglasses.
People over age 50 will especially benefit from about a half hour of light exposure at day's end -- in the late afternoon or early evening.
How it works: As we get older, our circadian rhythms shift forward in time, causing us to fall asleep earlier and wake up earlier. Exposure to late-afternoon or evening light shifts the rhythm in the opposite direction -- allowing you to wake up later in the morning.
Take a brief, moderately hot bath just before bed. Another part of our natural sleep rhythm involves core body temperature, which drops at night as we sleep, then rises again just before waking.
Core body temperature works in counterpoint to peripheral body temperature (the temperature of your hands and feet) -- when your peripheral temperature rises, your core temperature falls, and vice versa. Taking a hot bath just before going to bed raises your peripheral temperature, causing your core temperature to drop -- which helps you fall asleep. (This is also why wearing socks to bed helps some people fall asleep more easily.) Just make sure the bath water isn't too hot, because this could raise your core temperature.
Keep your bedroom at a comfortable temperature. This encourages the natural fluctuations in body temperature described above.
Keep your sleeping environment as dark as possible. Sleep is controlled in part by the hormone melatonin. The brain secretes melatonin only in darkness, which is why it's important to keep your bedroom dark while sleeping -- the darker, the better. Put up light-blocking curtains or blinds, or wear a sleep mask, if needed. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, use a low-intensity nightlight to guide your way, rather than switching on the overhead lights.
Reason: Turning on a bright light signals your brain to stop secreting melatonin.
Don't spend too much time in bed. When you stay too long in bed, your sleep actually becomes more fragmented and disturbed. If you need eight hours of sleep, spend no more than eight and a half hours in bed. Even if you didn't sleep well the night before, avoid going to bed early to "catch up" on sleep. Instead, go to bed and get up at your usual time.
If you wake up at night, keep your eyes closed. When people wake in the middle of the night, the first thing they usually do is look at the clock. But the mere act of lifting your head and opening your eyes is enough to take you out of transitional sleep (the lightest stage of sleep) into a full waking state, making it harder to fall asleep again. Instead, keep your bedroom clock out of sight -- and if you wake up in the middle of the night, don't open your eyes. This will make it much easier to drift back to sleep.
Avoid alcohol near bedtime. Alcohol acts as a sedative when it first enters your bloodstream -- but several hours later, when it leaves your bloodstream, it actually has the reverse effect of making you more wakeful. If you tend to wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep, you should avoid drinking any alcoholic beverages after dinner. If you have trouble falling asleep in the first place, then you may need to forgo drinks with dinner as well, since their "waking effect" will coincide with your bedtime.
Don't consume caffeine after lunch. That includes all caffeinated beverages -- not just coffee, but also tea and soda, as well as energy drinks. This is especially important if you have trouble falling asleep.
Exercise regularly. Although no one knows exactly why this is the case, data shows that the more fit you are, the better you'll sleep at night.
Don't lie in bed tossing and turning. Once you start tossing and turning, you get tense. If you find it impossible to drop off to sleep, get out of bed and stay up until you're sleepy enough to fall asleep. You may feel tired the next day -- but over time, this approach has been found to be very effective in establishing a restful sleep pattern.
Avoid naps. Physiologically, a mid-afternoon nap makes perfect sense, since your core body temperature takes a slight dip then. And for many people, such a nap won't interfere with nighttime sleep. However, if you have difficulty falling or staying asleep at night, a nap during the day will only aggravate the problem.
Who doesn't need more sleep? Practically everyone I know complains about lack of sleep, whether due to a busy schedule, stress that keeps the brain buzzing or plain old insomnia. For those who think they've "tried it all," Sonia Ancoli-Israel, PhD, psychiatry professor at University of California, San Diego, and director of the Sleep Disorders Clinic in the Veterans Affairs Health Care Systems, has offbeat suggestions that really work. She explains why you might sleep better if you leave your sunglasses at home, what buying a low-wattage nightlight can do and why you should learn to love a hot bath at bedtime, among other things.
A Dozen Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep
Sonia Ancoli-Israel, PhD
University of California, San Diego n any given year, 40 million Americans have chronic difficulties falling or staying asleep, while another 20 million report occasional sleep problems. It's no wonder that US doctors write as many as 43 million prescriptions for sleeping pills a year. Medication may help you sleep better immediately, but the best long-term solution is to encourage your body's natural sleep mechanism to operate more effectively.
There are a lot of myths and misperceptions about how to get a better night's rest -- and some sleeping secrets that most people have never heard of. Here are some rules to help you sleep better...
Wake up at the same time each day. Sleep is controlled by biological rhythms (also called circadian rhythms) that follow a very set schedule. To align your sleep pattern with these internal rhythms, it's important to wake up at the same time each morning.
Reason: Your biological rhythms aren't perfectly regular, but, for the best sleep, they do need at least one stable point in time around which they can fluctuate. While you can't always control when you fall asleep, you can control the time you wake up each day.
Another reason to maintain a consistent wake-up time is that, just as you need a certain amount of sleep to feel rested and alert, you also need a certain amount of time awake each day in order to feel sleepy at night.
Rising at the same time each day -- as opposed to "sleeping in" on the weekends, for example -- ensures that you will be awake long enough to fall asleep at your normal bedtime.
Spend time in sunlight. Even being outdoors on a cloudy day helps. In general, the more light exposure you get during the day, the better you'll sleep at night.
While you don't want to look directly at the sun, sunglasses will block the effect of the bright light. Check with your doctor about how much time he/she thinks is safe for you to spend in bright sunlight without sunglasses.
People over age 50 will especially benefit from about a half hour of light exposure at day's end -- in the late afternoon or early evening.
How it works: As we get older, our circadian rhythms shift forward in time, causing us to fall asleep earlier and wake up earlier. Exposure to late-afternoon or evening light shifts the rhythm in the opposite direction -- allowing you to wake up later in the morning.
Take a brief, moderately hot bath just before bed. Another part of our natural sleep rhythm involves core body temperature, which drops at night as we sleep, then rises again just before waking.
Core body temperature works in counterpoint to peripheral body temperature (the temperature of your hands and feet) -- when your peripheral temperature rises, your core temperature falls, and vice versa. Taking a hot bath just before going to bed raises your peripheral temperature, causing your core temperature to drop -- which helps you fall asleep. (This is also why wearing socks to bed helps some people fall asleep more easily.) Just make sure the bath water isn't too hot, because this could raise your core temperature.
Keep your bedroom at a comfortable temperature. This encourages the natural fluctuations in body temperature described above.
Keep your sleeping environment as dark as possible. Sleep is controlled in part by the hormone melatonin. The brain secretes melatonin only in darkness, which is why it's important to keep your bedroom dark while sleeping -- the darker, the better. Put up light-blocking curtains or blinds, or wear a sleep mask, if needed. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, use a low-intensity nightlight to guide your way, rather than switching on the overhead lights.
Reason: Turning on a bright light signals your brain to stop secreting melatonin.
Don't spend too much time in bed. When you stay too long in bed, your sleep actually becomes more fragmented and disturbed. If you need eight hours of sleep, spend no more than eight and a half hours in bed. Even if you didn't sleep well the night before, avoid going to bed early to "catch up" on sleep. Instead, go to bed and get up at your usual time.
If you wake up at night, keep your eyes closed. When people wake in the middle of the night, the first thing they usually do is look at the clock. But the mere act of lifting your head and opening your eyes is enough to take you out of transitional sleep (the lightest stage of sleep) into a full waking state, making it harder to fall asleep again. Instead, keep your bedroom clock out of sight -- and if you wake up in the middle of the night, don't open your eyes. This will make it much easier to drift back to sleep.
Avoid alcohol near bedtime. Alcohol acts as a sedative when it first enters your bloodstream -- but several hours later, when it leaves your bloodstream, it actually has the reverse effect of making you more wakeful. If you tend to wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep, you should avoid drinking any alcoholic beverages after dinner. If you have trouble falling asleep in the first place, then you may need to forgo drinks with dinner as well, since their "waking effect" will coincide with your bedtime.
Don't consume caffeine after lunch. That includes all caffeinated beverages -- not just coffee, but also tea and soda, as well as energy drinks. This is especially important if you have trouble falling asleep.
Exercise regularly. Although no one knows exactly why this is the case, data shows that the more fit you are, the better you'll sleep at night.
Don't lie in bed tossing and turning. Once you start tossing and turning, you get tense. If you find it impossible to drop off to sleep, get out of bed and stay up until you're sleepy enough to fall asleep. You may feel tired the next day -- but over time, this approach has been found to be very effective in establishing a restful sleep pattern.
Avoid naps. Physiologically, a mid-afternoon nap makes perfect sense, since your core body temperature takes a slight dip then. And for many people, such a nap won't interfere with nighttime sleep. However, if you have difficulty falling or staying asleep at night, a nap during the day will only aggravate the problem.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Integrated Medicine review
Making Integrated Medicine Work for You
Recent years have witnessed a sea of change in the way we think about health. Whereas in the past health was measured by the absence of disease, many people now understand "good health" to mean enhancing wellness, staying fit, looking their best and building vitality. They want the edge that comes with mental sharpness, so more people are focused on maintaining all their senses and faculties as they age. The good news is that medicine is responding, as doctors are increasingly open to the use of "alternative" treatment methods and hospitals are opening integrated medicine departments.
The problem is that while it's getting easier to find doctors and medical facilities promising to deliver "integrative care that treats the whole patient," it's far more difficult to find doctors who have the proper training and background. An authority on integrated medicine is Leo Galland, MD, an internist in private practice in New York City and author of Power Healing: Use the New Integrated Medicine to Cure Yourself. Dr. Galland is the director of the Foundation for Integrated Medicine. He and I have spoken often about the challenges of this evolving medical environment. Given the growth in integrated offerings, we felt it was time to review what's real and what's not when considering these types of practitioners/treatment centers.
Dr. Galland said that one of the biggest problems is that integrated health care has different meanings for different people -- including to physicians and patients. Hence it's not easy to find truly skilled practitioners, but there are ways to screen doctors to improve the odds you will find one you can work with successfully. Here's what we discussed...
The Best of Both Integrated (also known as integrative) medicine reflects an approach to health that blends conventional medicine with complementary approaches to health care, including nutrition, naturopathic and herbal medicine, homeopathy, acupuncture and mind-body therapies such as meditation and yoga. The idea is to take the best of all worlds -- embracing complementary concepts such as wellness and prevention while also availing ourselves of the cutting-edge, sometimes life-saving technologies offered by modern medicine.
As Dr. Galland sees it, modern medicine is built around the theory of diseases. A physician determines what disease seems to be causing symptoms for an individual, notes the diagnostic code in the patient's chart and insurance form, and then proceeds to give the standard symptom-suppressing drugs and procedures for that diagnosis. Often the result is that symptoms that don't fit neatly are ignored or deemed irrelevant. In contrast, complementary medicine views the "whole" person, looking at all aspects of poor health, physical and otherwise.
These medical professionals explore the physical and emotional disharmonies or imbalances that led the person to get ill. Both of these approaches are combined in integrated medicine, says Dr. Galland, which leads to enhanced wellness and improved outcomes.
According to Dr. Galland, integrated medicine views each patient in terms of "the four pillars of healing"...
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN AN INTEGRATED PRACTITIONER As more doctors seek to capitalize on health trends by hanging shingles calling themselves integrated practitioners, it's important for consumers to know how to locate a medical professional with adequate training and experience in this field. This is not so easy, it turns out. While there are thousands of integrated physicians around the country, no standardized training, credentials or accreditation exists for integrated medicine.
There's no reliable Web site to consult where you can find qualified practitioners. All too often, MDs who take a class or weekend seminar on a specific subject position themselves as "qualified" to practice in that area -- they may not be, for two reasons.
You should expect that an integrative practice will dedicate more time for this initial visit -- and indeed, subsequent ones as well -- than you are used to spending with a medical doctor. This is your chance to get to know this physician and to determine whether he/she is the right expert to help navigate your path to wellness. Ask lots of questions. Dr. Galland suggests these, for a start:
What medical education has the doctor received? This is important, says Dr. Galland, since conventional training is often more quantifiable than its complementary counterparts. You'll want to know what medical school he/she attended... whether the doctor is currently board-certified... and in what specialties.
Ask the doctor to describe the ways in which the medical practice is "integrated." What complementary training did this physician undergo? Which complementary systems is the practice based upon? How long has he/she been practicing the complementary modalities? Where did he/she study the complementary practices and for how long?
How much experience has the doctor had with your particular medical problem? What kinds of treatment are generally recommended for it? Nutritional? Environmental? Acupuncture? Homeopathy? Herbal therapies? Conventional treatment? You should seek out a doctor who has treated at least a few patients with problems similar to yours and is willing to be clear and open about the outcomes. Each of those questions is important -- but in the end there's one more, and it's to be asked of yourself.
"Am I confident in this doctor's skills and do I feel listened to, cared for and comfortable in his/her presence?" Because, as I have said before -- and will say again and again, no doubt -- even with the best doctors, you are the person who must ultimately take responsibility for your own health and wellness.
Recent years have witnessed a sea of change in the way we think about health. Whereas in the past health was measured by the absence of disease, many people now understand "good health" to mean enhancing wellness, staying fit, looking their best and building vitality. They want the edge that comes with mental sharpness, so more people are focused on maintaining all their senses and faculties as they age. The good news is that medicine is responding, as doctors are increasingly open to the use of "alternative" treatment methods and hospitals are opening integrated medicine departments.
The problem is that while it's getting easier to find doctors and medical facilities promising to deliver "integrative care that treats the whole patient," it's far more difficult to find doctors who have the proper training and background. An authority on integrated medicine is Leo Galland, MD, an internist in private practice in New York City and author of Power Healing: Use the New Integrated Medicine to Cure Yourself. Dr. Galland is the director of the Foundation for Integrated Medicine. He and I have spoken often about the challenges of this evolving medical environment. Given the growth in integrated offerings, we felt it was time to review what's real and what's not when considering these types of practitioners/treatment centers.
Dr. Galland said that one of the biggest problems is that integrated health care has different meanings for different people -- including to physicians and patients. Hence it's not easy to find truly skilled practitioners, but there are ways to screen doctors to improve the odds you will find one you can work with successfully. Here's what we discussed...
The Best of Both Integrated (also known as integrative) medicine reflects an approach to health that blends conventional medicine with complementary approaches to health care, including nutrition, naturopathic and herbal medicine, homeopathy, acupuncture and mind-body therapies such as meditation and yoga. The idea is to take the best of all worlds -- embracing complementary concepts such as wellness and prevention while also availing ourselves of the cutting-edge, sometimes life-saving technologies offered by modern medicine.
As Dr. Galland sees it, modern medicine is built around the theory of diseases. A physician determines what disease seems to be causing symptoms for an individual, notes the diagnostic code in the patient's chart and insurance form, and then proceeds to give the standard symptom-suppressing drugs and procedures for that diagnosis. Often the result is that symptoms that don't fit neatly are ignored or deemed irrelevant. In contrast, complementary medicine views the "whole" person, looking at all aspects of poor health, physical and otherwise.
These medical professionals explore the physical and emotional disharmonies or imbalances that led the person to get ill. Both of these approaches are combined in integrated medicine, says Dr. Galland, which leads to enhanced wellness and improved outcomes.
According to Dr. Galland, integrated medicine views each patient in terms of "the four pillars of healing"...
- Relationship: A person's support network of family, friends and community.
- Diet and lifestyle: Nutrition habits and the daily pattern of rest and exercise.
- A healthy environment: Protection from exposure to chemical and biological toxins.
- Detoxification: The body's innate ability to self-purify and protect itself from internal toxicity.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN AN INTEGRATED PRACTITIONER As more doctors seek to capitalize on health trends by hanging shingles calling themselves integrated practitioners, it's important for consumers to know how to locate a medical professional with adequate training and experience in this field. This is not so easy, it turns out. While there are thousands of integrated physicians around the country, no standardized training, credentials or accreditation exists for integrated medicine.
There's no reliable Web site to consult where you can find qualified practitioners. All too often, MDs who take a class or weekend seminar on a specific subject position themselves as "qualified" to practice in that area -- they may not be, for two reasons.
- First, according to Dr. Galland, they likely haven't taken a course that teaches the full topic adequately... and
- second, much like the problem with Western medicine in general, such a singular view as is taught in a class leads the practitioner to focus on an isolated process (the symptom, the treatment) which is more accurately understood as functioning as part of a whole system.
- Since he believes advertising can't be trusted, Dr. Galland says the best way to find a good integrated physician is by referral from friends or other health care professionals you trust. Once you've identified a candidate, request his/her CV to see what schooling they've had -- both conventional and complementary -- and schedule a meeting to talk before you go for a complete medical exam.
You should expect that an integrative practice will dedicate more time for this initial visit -- and indeed, subsequent ones as well -- than you are used to spending with a medical doctor. This is your chance to get to know this physician and to determine whether he/she is the right expert to help navigate your path to wellness. Ask lots of questions. Dr. Galland suggests these, for a start:
What medical education has the doctor received? This is important, says Dr. Galland, since conventional training is often more quantifiable than its complementary counterparts. You'll want to know what medical school he/she attended... whether the doctor is currently board-certified... and in what specialties.
Ask the doctor to describe the ways in which the medical practice is "integrated." What complementary training did this physician undergo? Which complementary systems is the practice based upon? How long has he/she been practicing the complementary modalities? Where did he/she study the complementary practices and for how long?
How much experience has the doctor had with your particular medical problem? What kinds of treatment are generally recommended for it? Nutritional? Environmental? Acupuncture? Homeopathy? Herbal therapies? Conventional treatment? You should seek out a doctor who has treated at least a few patients with problems similar to yours and is willing to be clear and open about the outcomes. Each of those questions is important -- but in the end there's one more, and it's to be asked of yourself.
"Am I confident in this doctor's skills and do I feel listened to, cared for and comfortable in his/her presence?" Because, as I have said before -- and will say again and again, no doubt -- even with the best doctors, you are the person who must ultimately take responsibility for your own health and wellness.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
success means courage of your convictions and your moneytree
Success Secrets from Mike Wallace, Mary Higgins Clark, J.K. Rowling and More
Dyan Machan ow did Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes become TV's most celebrated investigative reporter? How did Mary Higgins Clark become one of the world's highest-paid writers? How did Diane von Furstenberg come to head a multimillion-dollar fashion empire? Certainly they all have talent, but plenty of talented people never reach the top. Talent leads to extraordinary success only when it is paired with smart decision making. As J.K. Rowling wrote in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Scholastic), "It is our choices... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
How do successful people make the right choices and manage to see things through? By doing the following...
1. Get more credit for accomplishments. We might get a bonus or a promotion for an idea that makes our employer money, but most of the spoils go to the company. Capturing a significant share of those gains for ourselves can mean the difference between a solid career and a hugely successful one.
Example: Michael Flatley, star of the hit Irish step-dancing show Riverdance, left in 1995 to start his own show, Lord of the Dance. He had seen the money other people were making from his dancing and risked his savings to make those profits his. He gives his net worth now as close to half a billion dollars.
2. Stand out from the pack. Doing what everyone else is doing rarely leads to extraordinary success.
Making the leap from talented to spectacularly successful often involves a decision to take the untrodden road.
Example: Shoe designer Kenneth Cole spent his entire advertising budget for 1986 on an ad about AIDS that ran on billboards and in 23 magazines. His advisers warned him that it could kill his company to be associated with the disease. Instead, the ad campaign generated so much buzz that it helped him stand out in the crowded shoe market.
3. Discover what is really important. Sometimes a crisis or tragedy can force us to reevaluate our lives.
Example: In the 1950s and early 1960s, Mike Wallace made a good living reporting the news, hosting game shows and appearing in commercials. Only after his 19-year-old son, Peter, died in 1962 did he devote himself to investigative reporting. The tragedy convinced him to make a change despite the financial risks.
4. Find a role model for facing fear. Diane von Furstenberg, founder of a hugely successful clothing company, reminds herself that her mother survived a Nazi concentration camp. Compared with that, what is there to be afraid of in a career decision?
Successful people tend to understand that it isn't our failures we'll regret at the end of our lives -- it's the opportunities we let slip away.
Example: Drew Nieporent, founding chef of famed New York restaurant Nobu, learned to take risks because his parents could not. His father talked for years about buying New York City real estate but was too scared to take the plunge. His indecision cost him millions of dollars in potential profits. Nieporent decided that when he had an idea he believed in, he would act.
5. Know what's worth the risk for you. Successful people don't always know that their crucial decisions will work out when they make them, but they are willing to take the risks to pursue their dreams.
Example: Singer Sting had a burning desire to be a musician, so he left a secure job with Inland Revenue (England's IRS) for a job as a teacher. The shorter hours gave him time to pursue his music.
6. Remember, there are second chances. The old saying about opportunity knocking only once isn't always correct. If we work hard and interact with a wide circle of people, we might get multiple shots at making life-changing decisions.
Example: Mystery writer Mary Higgins Clark's first book, a biographical novel about George Washington, was a commercial disaster. She determined that thrillers sold better and got back to work. She now makes more than $12 million per book.
Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Dyan Machan, an award-winning financial journalist, based in Ridgewood, New Jersey. She is researching a forthcoming book about decision-making.
FOREVER YOUNG
How to Get Cash in a Flash your money tree
Madeline Noveck, CFP
Novos Planning Associates, Inc. uppose life throws you a curve ball and you need money fast. Where can you get the cash? Options -- and traps to watch out for...
LOW OR NO COST
1. Ask your employer for an advance. The terms may be informal or written as a promissory note. This option works best when the need for immediate cash is very small and the boss is approachable.
2. Borrow from your relatives. This quick fix comes with emotional potholes. If you don't repay the money, there may be resentment from the lender, as well as from other relatives who may feel slighted or jealous.
What to do: Use a formal promissory note stating the interest rate and repayment terms.
Trap: Without such a written note, the IRS may bar the lender from writing off a bad loan on grounds that it was a gift.
Caution: Such a loan doesn't have to bear interest. But if it does, the lender must report that interest as income. If the loan exceeds $10,000, and the interest is below the applicable federal rate (AFR) -- currently just under 5% -- the lender must report not only the actual interest, if any, but also the "imputed interest," which is the difference between the actual interest and the AFR.
More information: At the IRS Web site, www.irs.gov, type "applicable federal rate" into the search box.
RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS
3. Borrow from your 401(k). If your plan allows it, under federal law, you can borrow up to 50% of your vested account balance or $50,000, whichever is less. You usually have up to five years to repay the loan.
Advantages: You can't be rejected for the loan -- you may only need to make a phone call to the plan administrator or complete a short loan form... the interest rate, set by the plan, will be relatively low -- usually a couple of points above the prime rate, currently 6% (this is low compared with credit card rates, which can be up to 25%). The interest you pay goes back into the account.
Disadvantages: The money borrowed diminishes what could be saved for retirement... if you leave the company before repaying the loan, you must pay it back -- any outstanding balance will otherwise be treated as a taxable distribution (and subject to a 10% penalty if you're under age 59½).
4. Tap your IRA. Pledging an IRA as collateral for a loan or "borrowing" from it is treated as a taxable distribution (subject to a 10% penalty if you're under age 59½). But you can use money from your IRA for 60 days, tax and penalty free.
Big danger: You must replace (redeposit) the money in any of your IRA accounts within 60 days, or pay tax on it. Whatever isn't put back becomes taxable as ordinary income.
Caution: You can make only one such withdrawal/redeposit, called a rollover, within a one-year period.
COMMERCIAL ALTERNATIVES
5. Borrow against your life insurance policy. If you have a cash-value life insurance policy (whole or universal life), you can borrow against the amount accumulated in your account. Just call your insurance agent or insurance company to receive a check within 48 hours to two weeks.
Borrowing limit: The cash value in the policy.
In today's market, the annual interest rate on such a loan is about 7%, but many companies will reduce the dividends they credit to your account for as long as you have the loan -- in effect, upping the interest rate. Usually, you can repay funds when and to the extent you choose, but if payments don't at least cover interest, the cash value of your policy continues to be further depleted because the interest not paid is subtracted from the cash value.
6. Use a margin account. Margin borrowing allows you to leverage securities you hold at a brokerage firm to access a convenient line of credit -- using checks issued by the firm to access your line or by receiving a broker's check (often the same day you ask for it). You can even have the funds wired to your bank account. All you need to do for this kind of borrowing is sign a margin account agreement.
Limit: 50% of the current market value of a stock... 90% for Treasury and agency bonds... 70% for corporate bonds... and 60% for municipal bonds. Some securities (e.g., equities trading below $3 a share) are excluded.
Interest rates, which are based on the broker call rate (the broker's cost of money), vary and the more you borrow, the lower the interest rate.
Example: Fidelity's rate for borrowing less than $10,000 is currently 11.075%, but borrowing $500,000 or more has a 6% rate.
Note: Interest on margin accounts may be tax deductible as investment interest by those who itemize deductions. You must use the money to buy or carry investments, and you must have investment income at least equal to the investment interest. You must also not be borrowing against tax-exempt securities.
Caution: If the value of the securities falls below a certain level while your loan is outstanding, you'll get a margin call -- a demand from a broker to provide money or securities to bring the value of the account back to the required level. You'll have to sell some of your holdings to cover the shortfall if you don't find other money to pay down the margin debt.
7. Get a home-equity line of credit (HELOC). Your bank will approve you for a specific amount of credit. Many lenders set the limit on a HELOC by taking a percentage of a home's appraised value and subtracting the balance on the existing mortgage, if any. The process can take a week or more to arrange, but once the line is in place, you can write checks against it.
HELOCs typically use variable interest rates based on the prime rate (current HELOC rates are around 7.5%). Look for a lender that will waive all costs of establishing the loan, such as an application fee, an appraisal fee and closing costs.
HIGH-COST OPTIONS
8. Take a cash advance from a credit card.
Drawbacks: Very high interest rates -- rates for advances typically range from 20% to 25%, in contrast to the average rate on credit card purchases of around 16% to 17%. In addition, cash advances usually carry an up-front fee of 2% to 4% of the amount advanced.
9. Borrow from a pawnshop. Pawnshops are in the business of making short-term, small-money loans, with personal items used as collateral. A pawnbroker will appraise your jewelry, small appliances, musical instruments or other items and typically lend 50% of the retail value. Interest rates and fees for these loans are state regulated, but the term of the loan is usually 30 days to several months and the fees are generally high.
Example: New York pawnbrokers have a collateral loan period of four months, and the interest rate is 4% a month, which means an annual percentage rate (APR) of 48%. There may also be a service charge -- the maximum charge for loans between $50 and $100 is $3 (loans above $100 are $5). If you don't pay back on time, your collateral can be sold.
10. Take a "payday" loan. If your employer won't give you a wage advance, consider a payday or "fast cash" loan.
These loans (offered at payday loan stores and at such sites as www.wegivecash.com, www.ordercashnow.com and www.credit.com) are popular because they're easy and quick to arrange -- you can get funds in as little as one hour.
These loans don't require a credit check -- they're based on just a few criteria, such as the applicant's monthly wages (usually a minimum of $1,000). The maximum loan amount is between $500 and $1,500, and the loans are for short periods, usually one to four weeks.
These loans are pricey -- finance costs (fees) run from $25 to $45, regardless of the size of the loan. Sounds reasonable? It's not. Charging $45 for a two-week loan is the equivalent of $1,170 for a year. If you borrowed $300, that's an APR of 390%!
Bottom Line/Retirement interviewed Madeline Noveck, CFP, president, Novos Planning Associates, Inc., a financial planning and investment company, 28 W. 44 St., New York City 10036, and a past president of the Institute of Certified Financial Planners (now the Financial Planning Association).
Dyan Machan ow did Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes become TV's most celebrated investigative reporter? How did Mary Higgins Clark become one of the world's highest-paid writers? How did Diane von Furstenberg come to head a multimillion-dollar fashion empire? Certainly they all have talent, but plenty of talented people never reach the top. Talent leads to extraordinary success only when it is paired with smart decision making. As J.K. Rowling wrote in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Scholastic), "It is our choices... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
How do successful people make the right choices and manage to see things through? By doing the following...
1. Get more credit for accomplishments. We might get a bonus or a promotion for an idea that makes our employer money, but most of the spoils go to the company. Capturing a significant share of those gains for ourselves can mean the difference between a solid career and a hugely successful one.
Example: Michael Flatley, star of the hit Irish step-dancing show Riverdance, left in 1995 to start his own show, Lord of the Dance. He had seen the money other people were making from his dancing and risked his savings to make those profits his. He gives his net worth now as close to half a billion dollars.
2. Stand out from the pack. Doing what everyone else is doing rarely leads to extraordinary success.
Making the leap from talented to spectacularly successful often involves a decision to take the untrodden road.
Example: Shoe designer Kenneth Cole spent his entire advertising budget for 1986 on an ad about AIDS that ran on billboards and in 23 magazines. His advisers warned him that it could kill his company to be associated with the disease. Instead, the ad campaign generated so much buzz that it helped him stand out in the crowded shoe market.
3. Discover what is really important. Sometimes a crisis or tragedy can force us to reevaluate our lives.
Example: In the 1950s and early 1960s, Mike Wallace made a good living reporting the news, hosting game shows and appearing in commercials. Only after his 19-year-old son, Peter, died in 1962 did he devote himself to investigative reporting. The tragedy convinced him to make a change despite the financial risks.
4. Find a role model for facing fear. Diane von Furstenberg, founder of a hugely successful clothing company, reminds herself that her mother survived a Nazi concentration camp. Compared with that, what is there to be afraid of in a career decision?
Successful people tend to understand that it isn't our failures we'll regret at the end of our lives -- it's the opportunities we let slip away.
Example: Drew Nieporent, founding chef of famed New York restaurant Nobu, learned to take risks because his parents could not. His father talked for years about buying New York City real estate but was too scared to take the plunge. His indecision cost him millions of dollars in potential profits. Nieporent decided that when he had an idea he believed in, he would act.
5. Know what's worth the risk for you. Successful people don't always know that their crucial decisions will work out when they make them, but they are willing to take the risks to pursue their dreams.
Example: Singer Sting had a burning desire to be a musician, so he left a secure job with Inland Revenue (England's IRS) for a job as a teacher. The shorter hours gave him time to pursue his music.
6. Remember, there are second chances. The old saying about opportunity knocking only once isn't always correct. If we work hard and interact with a wide circle of people, we might get multiple shots at making life-changing decisions.
Example: Mystery writer Mary Higgins Clark's first book, a biographical novel about George Washington, was a commercial disaster. She determined that thrillers sold better and got back to work. She now makes more than $12 million per book.
Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Dyan Machan, an award-winning financial journalist, based in Ridgewood, New Jersey. She is researching a forthcoming book about decision-making.
FOREVER YOUNG
How to Get Cash in a Flash your money tree
Madeline Noveck, CFP
Novos Planning Associates, Inc. uppose life throws you a curve ball and you need money fast. Where can you get the cash? Options -- and traps to watch out for...
LOW OR NO COST
1. Ask your employer for an advance. The terms may be informal or written as a promissory note. This option works best when the need for immediate cash is very small and the boss is approachable.
2. Borrow from your relatives. This quick fix comes with emotional potholes. If you don't repay the money, there may be resentment from the lender, as well as from other relatives who may feel slighted or jealous.
What to do: Use a formal promissory note stating the interest rate and repayment terms.
Trap: Without such a written note, the IRS may bar the lender from writing off a bad loan on grounds that it was a gift.
Caution: Such a loan doesn't have to bear interest. But if it does, the lender must report that interest as income. If the loan exceeds $10,000, and the interest is below the applicable federal rate (AFR) -- currently just under 5% -- the lender must report not only the actual interest, if any, but also the "imputed interest," which is the difference between the actual interest and the AFR.
More information: At the IRS Web site, www.irs.gov, type "applicable federal rate" into the search box.
RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS
3. Borrow from your 401(k). If your plan allows it, under federal law, you can borrow up to 50% of your vested account balance or $50,000, whichever is less. You usually have up to five years to repay the loan.
Advantages: You can't be rejected for the loan -- you may only need to make a phone call to the plan administrator or complete a short loan form... the interest rate, set by the plan, will be relatively low -- usually a couple of points above the prime rate, currently 6% (this is low compared with credit card rates, which can be up to 25%). The interest you pay goes back into the account.
Disadvantages: The money borrowed diminishes what could be saved for retirement... if you leave the company before repaying the loan, you must pay it back -- any outstanding balance will otherwise be treated as a taxable distribution (and subject to a 10% penalty if you're under age 59½).
4. Tap your IRA. Pledging an IRA as collateral for a loan or "borrowing" from it is treated as a taxable distribution (subject to a 10% penalty if you're under age 59½). But you can use money from your IRA for 60 days, tax and penalty free.
Big danger: You must replace (redeposit) the money in any of your IRA accounts within 60 days, or pay tax on it. Whatever isn't put back becomes taxable as ordinary income.
Caution: You can make only one such withdrawal/redeposit, called a rollover, within a one-year period.
COMMERCIAL ALTERNATIVES
5. Borrow against your life insurance policy. If you have a cash-value life insurance policy (whole or universal life), you can borrow against the amount accumulated in your account. Just call your insurance agent or insurance company to receive a check within 48 hours to two weeks.
Borrowing limit: The cash value in the policy.
In today's market, the annual interest rate on such a loan is about 7%, but many companies will reduce the dividends they credit to your account for as long as you have the loan -- in effect, upping the interest rate. Usually, you can repay funds when and to the extent you choose, but if payments don't at least cover interest, the cash value of your policy continues to be further depleted because the interest not paid is subtracted from the cash value.
6. Use a margin account. Margin borrowing allows you to leverage securities you hold at a brokerage firm to access a convenient line of credit -- using checks issued by the firm to access your line or by receiving a broker's check (often the same day you ask for it). You can even have the funds wired to your bank account. All you need to do for this kind of borrowing is sign a margin account agreement.
Limit: 50% of the current market value of a stock... 90% for Treasury and agency bonds... 70% for corporate bonds... and 60% for municipal bonds. Some securities (e.g., equities trading below $3 a share) are excluded.
Interest rates, which are based on the broker call rate (the broker's cost of money), vary and the more you borrow, the lower the interest rate.
Example: Fidelity's rate for borrowing less than $10,000 is currently 11.075%, but borrowing $500,000 or more has a 6% rate.
Note: Interest on margin accounts may be tax deductible as investment interest by those who itemize deductions. You must use the money to buy or carry investments, and you must have investment income at least equal to the investment interest. You must also not be borrowing against tax-exempt securities.
Caution: If the value of the securities falls below a certain level while your loan is outstanding, you'll get a margin call -- a demand from a broker to provide money or securities to bring the value of the account back to the required level. You'll have to sell some of your holdings to cover the shortfall if you don't find other money to pay down the margin debt.
7. Get a home-equity line of credit (HELOC). Your bank will approve you for a specific amount of credit. Many lenders set the limit on a HELOC by taking a percentage of a home's appraised value and subtracting the balance on the existing mortgage, if any. The process can take a week or more to arrange, but once the line is in place, you can write checks against it.
HELOCs typically use variable interest rates based on the prime rate (current HELOC rates are around 7.5%). Look for a lender that will waive all costs of establishing the loan, such as an application fee, an appraisal fee and closing costs.
HIGH-COST OPTIONS
8. Take a cash advance from a credit card.
Drawbacks: Very high interest rates -- rates for advances typically range from 20% to 25%, in contrast to the average rate on credit card purchases of around 16% to 17%. In addition, cash advances usually carry an up-front fee of 2% to 4% of the amount advanced.
9. Borrow from a pawnshop. Pawnshops are in the business of making short-term, small-money loans, with personal items used as collateral. A pawnbroker will appraise your jewelry, small appliances, musical instruments or other items and typically lend 50% of the retail value. Interest rates and fees for these loans are state regulated, but the term of the loan is usually 30 days to several months and the fees are generally high.
Example: New York pawnbrokers have a collateral loan period of four months, and the interest rate is 4% a month, which means an annual percentage rate (APR) of 48%. There may also be a service charge -- the maximum charge for loans between $50 and $100 is $3 (loans above $100 are $5). If you don't pay back on time, your collateral can be sold.
10. Take a "payday" loan. If your employer won't give you a wage advance, consider a payday or "fast cash" loan.
These loans (offered at payday loan stores and at such sites as www.wegivecash.com, www.ordercashnow.com and www.credit.com) are popular because they're easy and quick to arrange -- you can get funds in as little as one hour.
These loans don't require a credit check -- they're based on just a few criteria, such as the applicant's monthly wages (usually a minimum of $1,000). The maximum loan amount is between $500 and $1,500, and the loans are for short periods, usually one to four weeks.
These loans are pricey -- finance costs (fees) run from $25 to $45, regardless of the size of the loan. Sounds reasonable? It's not. Charging $45 for a two-week loan is the equivalent of $1,170 for a year. If you borrowed $300, that's an APR of 390%!
Bottom Line/Retirement interviewed Madeline Noveck, CFP, president, Novos Planning Associates, Inc., a financial planning and investment company, 28 W. 44 St., New York City 10036, and a past president of the Institute of Certified Financial Planners (now the Financial Planning Association).
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
make stress work for you
on How Stress Can Help You
Americans are stressing out as never before. Last year, a survey of 1,848 people by the American Psychological Association found that a disturbing 70% of respondents reported having physical and psychological symptoms of stress. But the survey also had some good news -- 60% of those polled said they would be motivated to change, including learning to manage stress more effectively, in order to feel better. With that encouraging news in mind, I called life coach and frequent Daily Health News contributor, Lauren Zander of the HandelGroup (www.handelgroup.com) for her unique advice on managing stress.
MUCH STRESS IS PERCEPTION
First, Lauren says, it is important to understand what stress really is. Sometimes stress comes from painful circumstances, like illness or loss of someone dear, that only time can heal. But there are loads of other potential stress triggers, from unpaid mortgages to difficult relationships or health problems, that you can do something about. These circumstances themselves do not create stress. Rather the stress results from how you respond to them. "Stress comes from wishing something were different and the worry that you cannot change it, which leads you to feel stuck," says Lauren. You feel upset, you feel helpless and the result is you feel "stressed."
However, Lauren doesn't believe we should always view stress as negative. She views it as a natural outcome of an increased desire for a better life. "We live in a smarter world today," she says, "and our agenda now is to do well for ourselves." Stress symptoms can serve as an invaluable ally to help people achieve a better life. They are an informing voice that tells us it's "time to do something" -- if we try to ignore the voice, it gets louder and more insistent. Lauren teaches her clients to make stress work for them, instead of against them. How? First step is learning to accept it as a positive force and motivator... kind of like a wake-up call or feedback from a good friend.
THE TWO LEVELS OF STRESS
Given that stress is a call to action, it is critical to investigate the nature of life stressors to decide what the appropriate action should be. There are two levels of stressors... the first, Type 1, belongs in what Lauren calls the "to-do" world. This incorporates bills, appointments, arrangements and the many other tasks that involve making and spending money and managing life as a grown-up. Although people moan and complain about the frustrations of handling these aspects of their lives, Lauren points out that in the to-do world there are always solutions. You may not love the solutions -- for example having to rein in spending habits to live within a compromised income, or disappoint someone by saying no to an invitation -- but they are there for you to find and implement.
Type 2 stressors, though, include the ones few people talk about... they are the "scary" ones in the world of emotion, says Lauren. Fear fuels many of these stressors -- fear that underneath it all you aren't capable... or lovable... or that your marriage is no longer working... or that you aren't attractive enough... or that you will get a terrible illness. The list of hidden stressors in the emotional world is long and complex, but this is where stress can be used to make life better, as we shall see.
If you feel stress because you've gained 15 pounds and don't feel sexy, that's a call to action -- but if you weigh the same as always and still feel undesirable, it's different. This feeling deserves a confession. You can "tell on yourself" to your husband or a friend, which is how to get what you need to feel better, such as a hug or a compliment, a "you're crazy, you have the best body and I love it!" Personally, I use funny consequences for "bad mind habits." When an inner dialogue causes stress, I charge myself a dollar if I dwell in those negative stressful thoughts longer than 30 seconds... and it stops me dead in my tracks. My "no harping" rules keep me from adding stressful thoughts and feelings to my life.
You can learn to view your worries as an alert to take an action to feel better. When you actually go to the gym, make the phone call you've been putting off, or pay the bill that's weighing you down, you will feel calmer. You will have heard what the stress is telling you and responded to it. It is only when you don't take such an action that stress continues to build. This is how your body and mind communicates about what is not working well in your life.
CUTTING STRESS DOWN TO SIZE
Once you recognize these two types of stress, it becomes feasible to take control of them on both levels. Here are Lauren's recommendations for doing that:
Start observing your crazy-makers, the things that annoy or irritate you. It may be easiest to make a list. Most, if not all of these are truly insignificant -- small stuff such as traffic or long lines. Stressing about them is useless. One way to eliminate the stress of crazy-makers is to alter whatever you can in your schedule or arrangements to decrease what annoys you so much. Leave earlier to escape heavy traffic, take care of errands on off-hours whenever possible... don't say yes to social invitations you don't really want to attend... that kind of thing. Changes like this will help, but a shift in attitude about them will likely help even more. Deflate the stress by refusing to take these situations so seriously or accept demands as "required" and you will see that their upset-quotient begins to diminish.
Write out the list of your responsibilities that fall somewhere between Type 1 and Type 2 stressors. These are in the "to-do" world and therefore, have "to-do" ways to solve them. Start with those that most distress you, but include them all. Big to-dos such as paying off debts or dealing with a difficult medical diagnosis for you or a loved one can seem especially difficult and overwhelming. Cull through the list slowly and carefully and come up with ways you can address these problems. Ask for help if you need it and consider the value of hiring someone when appropriate. For instance, if you have no time to clean your house, hiring someone will cost money of course, but it may pay dividends for you in time, positive energy and orderly surroundings.
The next challenge is the big one -- to take on the Type 2 stressors directly. Write out what you would like to change about you and your life. Oftentimes these desires live just under the surface as unconscious wishes and exist as stress because you are frustrated or unhappy with your current situation. The act of writing them out makes them conscious and gives you the means to evaluate their content. Your wishes might include a different career, living in another city, being nicer, thinner, or maybe more athletic. A good deal of your stress, though, may come from factors you cannot possibly change -- wanting to be young again, say -- or can't change now, such as moving. In those cases Lauren says a shift in attitude is mandatory. Pining away for something you cannot have -- ever or for the time being -- only heightens stress. It may feel hard to do this at first, but here is how you make such an attitude shift -- tell yourself that this is the way it is, just like some days its raining when you wish it was sunny. You can't control it, so you accept it. Once you accept the fact of your situation, realize that you are capable of living with it. Tough, yes, but you can do it... which leaves you free to move on to the stressors you can do something about now, and put this in the category of "later."
Now decide what life changes on your list you consider important enough to tackle... and gather ideas about how to achieve some solution. You may even find that among these are ways to address even the seemingly impossible ones. Let's say you wish your mate didn't have a serious disease, Parkinson's for instance, but you have accepted that you can't change the diagnosis. What can you do? Find activities that you and your partner can continue to participate in together, in spite of his/her disease. But remember, select just one or two areas to start with and take baby steps toward your goal. You will see that even small changes here and there bring you to a place where you do indeed feel better, says Lauren, and that you are not so stuck after all.
Stress will never go away. "It's called being alive," says Lauren. Once you see it as a necessary and useful tool to make life better, stress becomes your friendly messenger, an ever-present well of energy for you to draw from.
Americans are stressing out as never before. Last year, a survey of 1,848 people by the American Psychological Association found that a disturbing 70% of respondents reported having physical and psychological symptoms of stress. But the survey also had some good news -- 60% of those polled said they would be motivated to change, including learning to manage stress more effectively, in order to feel better. With that encouraging news in mind, I called life coach and frequent Daily Health News contributor, Lauren Zander of the HandelGroup (www.handelgroup.com) for her unique advice on managing stress.
MUCH STRESS IS PERCEPTION
First, Lauren says, it is important to understand what stress really is. Sometimes stress comes from painful circumstances, like illness or loss of someone dear, that only time can heal. But there are loads of other potential stress triggers, from unpaid mortgages to difficult relationships or health problems, that you can do something about. These circumstances themselves do not create stress. Rather the stress results from how you respond to them. "Stress comes from wishing something were different and the worry that you cannot change it, which leads you to feel stuck," says Lauren. You feel upset, you feel helpless and the result is you feel "stressed."
However, Lauren doesn't believe we should always view stress as negative. She views it as a natural outcome of an increased desire for a better life. "We live in a smarter world today," she says, "and our agenda now is to do well for ourselves." Stress symptoms can serve as an invaluable ally to help people achieve a better life. They are an informing voice that tells us it's "time to do something" -- if we try to ignore the voice, it gets louder and more insistent. Lauren teaches her clients to make stress work for them, instead of against them. How? First step is learning to accept it as a positive force and motivator... kind of like a wake-up call or feedback from a good friend.
THE TWO LEVELS OF STRESS
Given that stress is a call to action, it is critical to investigate the nature of life stressors to decide what the appropriate action should be. There are two levels of stressors... the first, Type 1, belongs in what Lauren calls the "to-do" world. This incorporates bills, appointments, arrangements and the many other tasks that involve making and spending money and managing life as a grown-up. Although people moan and complain about the frustrations of handling these aspects of their lives, Lauren points out that in the to-do world there are always solutions. You may not love the solutions -- for example having to rein in spending habits to live within a compromised income, or disappoint someone by saying no to an invitation -- but they are there for you to find and implement.
Type 2 stressors, though, include the ones few people talk about... they are the "scary" ones in the world of emotion, says Lauren. Fear fuels many of these stressors -- fear that underneath it all you aren't capable... or lovable... or that your marriage is no longer working... or that you aren't attractive enough... or that you will get a terrible illness. The list of hidden stressors in the emotional world is long and complex, but this is where stress can be used to make life better, as we shall see.
If you feel stress because you've gained 15 pounds and don't feel sexy, that's a call to action -- but if you weigh the same as always and still feel undesirable, it's different. This feeling deserves a confession. You can "tell on yourself" to your husband or a friend, which is how to get what you need to feel better, such as a hug or a compliment, a "you're crazy, you have the best body and I love it!" Personally, I use funny consequences for "bad mind habits." When an inner dialogue causes stress, I charge myself a dollar if I dwell in those negative stressful thoughts longer than 30 seconds... and it stops me dead in my tracks. My "no harping" rules keep me from adding stressful thoughts and feelings to my life.
You can learn to view your worries as an alert to take an action to feel better. When you actually go to the gym, make the phone call you've been putting off, or pay the bill that's weighing you down, you will feel calmer. You will have heard what the stress is telling you and responded to it. It is only when you don't take such an action that stress continues to build. This is how your body and mind communicates about what is not working well in your life.
CUTTING STRESS DOWN TO SIZE
Once you recognize these two types of stress, it becomes feasible to take control of them on both levels. Here are Lauren's recommendations for doing that:
Start observing your crazy-makers, the things that annoy or irritate you. It may be easiest to make a list. Most, if not all of these are truly insignificant -- small stuff such as traffic or long lines. Stressing about them is useless. One way to eliminate the stress of crazy-makers is to alter whatever you can in your schedule or arrangements to decrease what annoys you so much. Leave earlier to escape heavy traffic, take care of errands on off-hours whenever possible... don't say yes to social invitations you don't really want to attend... that kind of thing. Changes like this will help, but a shift in attitude about them will likely help even more. Deflate the stress by refusing to take these situations so seriously or accept demands as "required" and you will see that their upset-quotient begins to diminish.
Write out the list of your responsibilities that fall somewhere between Type 1 and Type 2 stressors. These are in the "to-do" world and therefore, have "to-do" ways to solve them. Start with those that most distress you, but include them all. Big to-dos such as paying off debts or dealing with a difficult medical diagnosis for you or a loved one can seem especially difficult and overwhelming. Cull through the list slowly and carefully and come up with ways you can address these problems. Ask for help if you need it and consider the value of hiring someone when appropriate. For instance, if you have no time to clean your house, hiring someone will cost money of course, but it may pay dividends for you in time, positive energy and orderly surroundings.
The next challenge is the big one -- to take on the Type 2 stressors directly. Write out what you would like to change about you and your life. Oftentimes these desires live just under the surface as unconscious wishes and exist as stress because you are frustrated or unhappy with your current situation. The act of writing them out makes them conscious and gives you the means to evaluate their content. Your wishes might include a different career, living in another city, being nicer, thinner, or maybe more athletic. A good deal of your stress, though, may come from factors you cannot possibly change -- wanting to be young again, say -- or can't change now, such as moving. In those cases Lauren says a shift in attitude is mandatory. Pining away for something you cannot have -- ever or for the time being -- only heightens stress. It may feel hard to do this at first, but here is how you make such an attitude shift -- tell yourself that this is the way it is, just like some days its raining when you wish it was sunny. You can't control it, so you accept it. Once you accept the fact of your situation, realize that you are capable of living with it. Tough, yes, but you can do it... which leaves you free to move on to the stressors you can do something about now, and put this in the category of "later."
Now decide what life changes on your list you consider important enough to tackle... and gather ideas about how to achieve some solution. You may even find that among these are ways to address even the seemingly impossible ones. Let's say you wish your mate didn't have a serious disease, Parkinson's for instance, but you have accepted that you can't change the diagnosis. What can you do? Find activities that you and your partner can continue to participate in together, in spite of his/her disease. But remember, select just one or two areas to start with and take baby steps toward your goal. You will see that even small changes here and there bring you to a place where you do indeed feel better, says Lauren, and that you are not so stuck after all.
Stress will never go away. "It's called being alive," says Lauren. Once you see it as a necessary and useful tool to make life better, stress becomes your friendly messenger, an ever-present well of energy for you to draw from.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
- Take a chill pill - siegholle@gmail.com
4 tips for battling stress
In addition to all of the other guidance I give you, take some time to put the following tips into your daily regimen when you can. They won't make stress go away, and they're not exactly the equivalent of a two-week Mediterranean cruise, but they'll help. Remember: it's important to battle the cumulative effects of stress, and these tips should help.
GET ANGRY!
It's OK to be annoyed; it's human. And when you bottle things up, you're just adding to the pile of cumulative stress. I'm not saying you need to flip out and scream at everyone around you, but when the going gets tough, it doesn't mean that you should just nod quietly and accept your bad luck. Tell your spouse they've upset you. Advise that co- worker that you're not fond of how they're behaving or that they're making your job more difficult. By asserting yourself and your opinion without losing control, you're actually venting stress. (Hmm…maybe that's why I'm one of the least stressed out people I know.)
SHIFT YOUR FOCUS
Get a hobby, or don't be shy about throwing yourself into the one that you already have. Don't let your schedule deny you the outlet that helps you free your mind. By concentrating your mind on the thing that brings you the most joy – whatever that may be, whether it's stamp collecting, exercise, dancing, or pottery – you're actually sloughing off stress, and giving your mind and body the time to recover. It's like a mini- vacation, and will stop the stress build up.
PUT THE CLOCK TO WORK FOR YOU
Nothing's more stressful than a deadline, and it only gets worse the closer it gets. If you can turn yourself in a better time manager, even the biggest project can be tackled with less stress. By managing your schedule, you avoid being overworked, which is often one of the most common causes of undue stress.
LAUGH OR CRY
Yup, another cliché. But like so many, it's true. Both laughing and crying are enormously effective ways to vent stress. If you've ever just busted a gut or bawled your eyes out, you know that afterwards there's often a great rush of good feeling (with a laugh) or a sense of relief (with a cry). You're human, and emotions are what make you that way. They're there for a reason: use them. Bottling them up leads to more stress. Not the usual advice I dispense, I know. But something that's always important to remember.
Taking a "chill pill" as the kids say,
William Campbell Douglass II, M.D.
In addition to all of the other guidance I give you, take some time to put the following tips into your daily regimen when you can. They won't make stress go away, and they're not exactly the equivalent of a two-week Mediterranean cruise, but they'll help. Remember: it's important to battle the cumulative effects of stress, and these tips should help.
GET ANGRY!
It's OK to be annoyed; it's human. And when you bottle things up, you're just adding to the pile of cumulative stress. I'm not saying you need to flip out and scream at everyone around you, but when the going gets tough, it doesn't mean that you should just nod quietly and accept your bad luck. Tell your spouse they've upset you. Advise that co- worker that you're not fond of how they're behaving or that they're making your job more difficult. By asserting yourself and your opinion without losing control, you're actually venting stress. (Hmm…maybe that's why I'm one of the least stressed out people I know.)
SHIFT YOUR FOCUS
Get a hobby, or don't be shy about throwing yourself into the one that you already have. Don't let your schedule deny you the outlet that helps you free your mind. By concentrating your mind on the thing that brings you the most joy – whatever that may be, whether it's stamp collecting, exercise, dancing, or pottery – you're actually sloughing off stress, and giving your mind and body the time to recover. It's like a mini- vacation, and will stop the stress build up.
PUT THE CLOCK TO WORK FOR YOU
Nothing's more stressful than a deadline, and it only gets worse the closer it gets. If you can turn yourself in a better time manager, even the biggest project can be tackled with less stress. By managing your schedule, you avoid being overworked, which is often one of the most common causes of undue stress.
LAUGH OR CRY
Yup, another cliché. But like so many, it's true. Both laughing and crying are enormously effective ways to vent stress. If you've ever just busted a gut or bawled your eyes out, you know that afterwards there's often a great rush of good feeling (with a laugh) or a sense of relief (with a cry). You're human, and emotions are what make you that way. They're there for a reason: use them. Bottling them up leads to more stress. Not the usual advice I dispense, I know. But something that's always important to remember.
Taking a "chill pill" as the kids say,
William Campbell Douglass II, M.D.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Being effective with people you can' t stand
How to Deal with People You Can't Stand Rick Brinkman, ND
Many of us have people in our lives whom we can't stand. Often, there's no escaping interaction with these difficult people. However, even the most unpleasant situations can be made tolerable.
Most difficult people fall into one of the following categories, though some jump from category to category depending on the situation. Strategies for dealing with each type...
Tanks.
Pushy and confrontational, tanks come at us with guns blazing when they think we're causing them problems. Explanations won't calm them, and counterattacking could lead to all-out war.
What to do: Let the tank vent for up to 60 seconds. Remain calm and maintain eye contact -- looking down or backing away might make you seem weak or fearful, which will make the tank respect you even less. If the attack still hasn't ended, firmly repeat his/her name until he quiets. Then summarize his main point to show that you were listening, and explain why his interest is best served by calling off the attack. Tanks tend to be pragmatists, so this should work.
Example: "Dad. Dad. I know you don't like my long hair and the way I dress. But I flew all the way here for us to enjoy each other as a family. We can do that. Or I can leave right now. Your choice."
Snipers.
Snipers make rude or sarcastic comments or engage in malicious gossip. Their behavior often stems from suppressed anger or resentment that's unrelated to a specific encounter.
What to do: Call attention to their unpleasant behavior in front of a group. When a sniper insults you, immediately stop whatever you're doing, look right at the sniper, repeat the comment, then ask, "What's going on? What are you really trying to say?" If the joke or insult is irrelevant to the situation, add, "What does that have to do with this?" Keep your tone of voice innocent, not sarcastic or annoyed.
Important: Most snipers back down when confronted, but a few transform into tanks. Should this occur, use the strategy for dealing with tanks, above.
If the sniping continues, pick a private moment to ask, "All of this sniping at me... is something the matter between us?" If your question seems sincere, the sniper might open up and explain the underlying problem... or realize that he's gone too far and stop the behavior.
Know-it-alls.
Know-it-alls are sure that they're always right. In fact, they often are right -- but they have little regard for the opinions of others.
What to do: Though it may be hard to swallow, the only way to get anywhere with a know-it-all is to treat him with respect. Frequent use of lines like "Obviously you know your stuff," and "You always have something intelligent to say," should reduce his need to prove his brilliance to you. Repeat know-it-alls' opinions back to them so that they know you grasp them. Rather than offer your opinion to a know-it-all, ask questions that lead him to the answer you want. Never question a know-it-all's views directly, because this will only make him defensive and cause him to dig in his heels. If you think he's wrong, cite irrefutable outside sources, then ask how that affects his conclusions.
Example: Your know-it-all spouse says that there's only one island worth visiting for scuba diving, and only one time of year worth going. Your research suggests that there's a jellyfish problem on that island at that time of year. You say, "August sounds wonderful there, but I read an article in last June's Scuba Diving magazine about the August jellyfish problem. Should we consider a different island or month to avoid jellyfish?"
Think-they-know-it-alls.
These people act like know-it-alls, but they're usually wrong. They just enjoy the attention that acting like experts brings them.
What to do: Ask these people for specific examples until their lack of insight becomes obvious to all... or ask them follow-up questions. Then explain that anyone could have made this mistake so the would-be know-it-all doesn't feel backed into a corner.
Example: "I know your idea won't work because my friend considered doing the same thing. Turns out there are complex tax consequences that only an accountant would know about."
Grenades. Grenades explode unexpectedly, with little provocation. A grenade might begin a rant by blaming you for a specific problem, but by the end, he's likely to be venting about things that seem unrelated or even irrational. Unlike tanks, who focus on specific problems, grenades are mainly in search of attention.
What to do: Fight fire with fire. Get the grenade's attention by raising your voice to match his, calling his name and waving your hands in front of you (without getting too close to him). Keep your tone friendly as you do this. Use rant-interruption statements, such as "I don't want you to feel that way. No one should have to feel that way." Address the portion of the grenade's rambling rant that matters most to him, if it can be identified. (Often this central problem will be that he's not getting the attention he feels he deserves.)
Example: "We care about all the effort you put into this."
If appropriate, add that you love this person. Grenades need to cool off before they can talk rationally, so suggest meeting later if more discussion is required. If you must deal with a grenade regularly, learn to avoid the topics that tend to set him off.
Yes-people.
Yes-people want so badly to be loved and valued that they automatically agree to every request. Then they become overcommitted and can't deliver.
What to do: The key to living or working with a yes-person is providing reassurance that no one will hold his decisions against him. When necessary, walk these problem people through the decision-making process.
Example: A yes-person who already is spread too thin volunteers to assist with yet another project. Walk this person through each step that would be involved and how it would fit into his schedule until he understands that it isn't feasible for him.
Nothing-people.
Nothing people offer no feedback, and won't voice an opinion even when one is needed.
What to do: To drag a response out of a nothing-person, ask questions that require more than yes or no answers, such as "How do you want to proceed?" Then put on your best expectant look, and stare at this person -- for an uncomfortably long period of time, if need be. If staring fails, try guessing.
Example: "Are you mad at me because I got home late on Tuesday? Because I forgot to wash the dishes? Because of something I said?" Toss out guess after guess until one triggers a response.
If the nothing-person's only answer is "I don't know," ask him to guess. If he refuses, supply greatly exaggerated choices. When faced with exaggerations, most people supply an accurate answer.
Example: A contractor tells you he doesn't know how much a job will cost. You ask, "Well, is it $50? $50,000?" Inserting numbers that are way too low and way too high often will prod such a person into a reasonable response.
No-people/whiners.
No-people are defeatist... whiners feel overwhelmed by an unfair world. Oddly, these people become more defeatist or whinier when we try to solve their problems for them... or tell them that their problems are not really so bad.
What to do: Get these people to solve their own problems. Begin by getting to the specific problem. No-people/whiners will claim that the whole world is the problem. Insist that they name a concrete, relevant issue, then ask, "What do you think we should do about it?"
If no useful response is given, come up with an exaggerated solution to lighten the mood.
Example: "You say that the president of your bridge club doesn't respect you. OK -- let's have her killed. I'll start interviewing hit men on Monday."
If humor fails, establish a boundary. Say, "You don't want to think about solutions. When you do, let me know and I'll help."
Many of us have people in our lives whom we can't stand. Often, there's no escaping interaction with these difficult people. However, even the most unpleasant situations can be made tolerable.
Most difficult people fall into one of the following categories, though some jump from category to category depending on the situation. Strategies for dealing with each type...
Tanks.
Pushy and confrontational, tanks come at us with guns blazing when they think we're causing them problems. Explanations won't calm them, and counterattacking could lead to all-out war.
What to do: Let the tank vent for up to 60 seconds. Remain calm and maintain eye contact -- looking down or backing away might make you seem weak or fearful, which will make the tank respect you even less. If the attack still hasn't ended, firmly repeat his/her name until he quiets. Then summarize his main point to show that you were listening, and explain why his interest is best served by calling off the attack. Tanks tend to be pragmatists, so this should work.
Example: "Dad. Dad. I know you don't like my long hair and the way I dress. But I flew all the way here for us to enjoy each other as a family. We can do that. Or I can leave right now. Your choice."
Snipers.
Snipers make rude or sarcastic comments or engage in malicious gossip. Their behavior often stems from suppressed anger or resentment that's unrelated to a specific encounter.
What to do: Call attention to their unpleasant behavior in front of a group. When a sniper insults you, immediately stop whatever you're doing, look right at the sniper, repeat the comment, then ask, "What's going on? What are you really trying to say?" If the joke or insult is irrelevant to the situation, add, "What does that have to do with this?" Keep your tone of voice innocent, not sarcastic or annoyed.
Important: Most snipers back down when confronted, but a few transform into tanks. Should this occur, use the strategy for dealing with tanks, above.
If the sniping continues, pick a private moment to ask, "All of this sniping at me... is something the matter between us?" If your question seems sincere, the sniper might open up and explain the underlying problem... or realize that he's gone too far and stop the behavior.
Know-it-alls.
Know-it-alls are sure that they're always right. In fact, they often are right -- but they have little regard for the opinions of others.
What to do: Though it may be hard to swallow, the only way to get anywhere with a know-it-all is to treat him with respect. Frequent use of lines like "Obviously you know your stuff," and "You always have something intelligent to say," should reduce his need to prove his brilliance to you. Repeat know-it-alls' opinions back to them so that they know you grasp them. Rather than offer your opinion to a know-it-all, ask questions that lead him to the answer you want. Never question a know-it-all's views directly, because this will only make him defensive and cause him to dig in his heels. If you think he's wrong, cite irrefutable outside sources, then ask how that affects his conclusions.
Example: Your know-it-all spouse says that there's only one island worth visiting for scuba diving, and only one time of year worth going. Your research suggests that there's a jellyfish problem on that island at that time of year. You say, "August sounds wonderful there, but I read an article in last June's Scuba Diving magazine about the August jellyfish problem. Should we consider a different island or month to avoid jellyfish?"
Think-they-know-it-alls.
These people act like know-it-alls, but they're usually wrong. They just enjoy the attention that acting like experts brings them.
What to do: Ask these people for specific examples until their lack of insight becomes obvious to all... or ask them follow-up questions. Then explain that anyone could have made this mistake so the would-be know-it-all doesn't feel backed into a corner.
Example: "I know your idea won't work because my friend considered doing the same thing. Turns out there are complex tax consequences that only an accountant would know about."
Grenades. Grenades explode unexpectedly, with little provocation. A grenade might begin a rant by blaming you for a specific problem, but by the end, he's likely to be venting about things that seem unrelated or even irrational. Unlike tanks, who focus on specific problems, grenades are mainly in search of attention.
What to do: Fight fire with fire. Get the grenade's attention by raising your voice to match his, calling his name and waving your hands in front of you (without getting too close to him). Keep your tone friendly as you do this. Use rant-interruption statements, such as "I don't want you to feel that way. No one should have to feel that way." Address the portion of the grenade's rambling rant that matters most to him, if it can be identified. (Often this central problem will be that he's not getting the attention he feels he deserves.)
Example: "We care about all the effort you put into this."
If appropriate, add that you love this person. Grenades need to cool off before they can talk rationally, so suggest meeting later if more discussion is required. If you must deal with a grenade regularly, learn to avoid the topics that tend to set him off.
Yes-people.
Yes-people want so badly to be loved and valued that they automatically agree to every request. Then they become overcommitted and can't deliver.
What to do: The key to living or working with a yes-person is providing reassurance that no one will hold his decisions against him. When necessary, walk these problem people through the decision-making process.
Example: A yes-person who already is spread too thin volunteers to assist with yet another project. Walk this person through each step that would be involved and how it would fit into his schedule until he understands that it isn't feasible for him.
Nothing-people.
Nothing people offer no feedback, and won't voice an opinion even when one is needed.
What to do: To drag a response out of a nothing-person, ask questions that require more than yes or no answers, such as "How do you want to proceed?" Then put on your best expectant look, and stare at this person -- for an uncomfortably long period of time, if need be. If staring fails, try guessing.
Example: "Are you mad at me because I got home late on Tuesday? Because I forgot to wash the dishes? Because of something I said?" Toss out guess after guess until one triggers a response.
If the nothing-person's only answer is "I don't know," ask him to guess. If he refuses, supply greatly exaggerated choices. When faced with exaggerations, most people supply an accurate answer.
Example: A contractor tells you he doesn't know how much a job will cost. You ask, "Well, is it $50? $50,000?" Inserting numbers that are way too low and way too high often will prod such a person into a reasonable response.
No-people/whiners.
No-people are defeatist... whiners feel overwhelmed by an unfair world. Oddly, these people become more defeatist or whinier when we try to solve their problems for them... or tell them that their problems are not really so bad.
What to do: Get these people to solve their own problems. Begin by getting to the specific problem. No-people/whiners will claim that the whole world is the problem. Insist that they name a concrete, relevant issue, then ask, "What do you think we should do about it?"
If no useful response is given, come up with an exaggerated solution to lighten the mood.
Example: "You say that the president of your bridge club doesn't respect you. OK -- let's have her killed. I'll start interviewing hit men on Monday."
If humor fails, establish a boundary. Say, "You don't want to think about solutions. When you do, let me know and I'll help."
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tips for savvy medical Web surfing - CNN.com
Tips for savvy medical Web surfing - CNN.com: "Tips for savvy medical Web surfing Story Highlights
It's safe to trust info from government Web sites, colleges and universities
The same is true for sites of large medical and research institutions
Use search engines that screen out unreliable information
Look at review articles in medical journals"
Knowledge is power -fire medical arrogance and ignorance
Naturally, the CNN.com article where I read about Dr. Golden goes on to list several "tips" to make you a "better patient" (read: a more docile patient that shuts up and obeys!). The number two tip? "Don't come in loaded with Internet printouts." In this tip, CNN.com takes a shot at the big-bad Internet that seems to be the enemy of both Big Media and Big Medicine. (I can't help but wonder if CNN.com includes its own health advice among the things you shouldn't bring up with your doctor.) To me, Dr. Golden is the poster boy for the arrogance and closed-mindedness that's rampant throughout the medical profession. I have little time for doctors who prefer to treat their patients as though they're just cars in for an oil change. I'm always encouraging you to question what's going on with your health, and I have no intention of changing. That's bad news for guys like Dr. Golden. And good news for your health. Fired up about "fired" patients, William Campbell Douglass II, M.D.
It's safe to trust info from government Web sites, colleges and universities
The same is true for sites of large medical and research institutions
Use search engines that screen out unreliable information
Look at review articles in medical journals"
Knowledge is power -fire medical arrogance and ignorance
Naturally, the CNN.com article where I read about Dr. Golden goes on to list several "tips" to make you a "better patient" (read: a more docile patient that shuts up and obeys!). The number two tip? "Don't come in loaded with Internet printouts." In this tip, CNN.com takes a shot at the big-bad Internet that seems to be the enemy of both Big Media and Big Medicine. (I can't help but wonder if CNN.com includes its own health advice among the things you shouldn't bring up with your doctor.) To me, Dr. Golden is the poster boy for the arrogance and closed-mindedness that's rampant throughout the medical profession. I have little time for doctors who prefer to treat their patients as though they're just cars in for an oil change. I'm always encouraging you to question what's going on with your health, and I have no intention of changing. That's bad news for guys like Dr. Golden. And good news for your health. Fired up about "fired" patients, William Campbell Douglass II, M.D.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I have a headache Dear
Headaches From Sex?
Poll: Few People Who Say They Get Sex-Related Headaches Talk to a Doctor About it
By Miranda HittiWebMD Medical News
Feb. 15, 2008 -- In a National Headache Foundation survey of some 170 headache patients, 46% reported having had sex-related headaches.
The survey, conducted on the National Headache Foundation's web site during December, included 182 people, mainly women aged 21 and older.
Nearly all participants -- 96% -- reported getting headaches from any cause. The same percentage said they're sexually active.
When asked if sex has ever triggered a headache, 54% said no and 46% said yes. Sex-related headaches most often occurred after sex, the survey shows.
Among people reporting sex-related headaches, about 40% said they've cut back on their sexual activity because of their sex-related headaches, and only 12% said they've talked to a doctor about their sex-associated headaches.
That doesn't mean that sex is their only headache trigger. Among people who reported sex-related headaches, 42% reported having had no more than six of those headaches.
Not everyone got headaches from sex. In fact, 20% of participants noted sex eases their headaches and 6% report having sex more often for the headache relief.
Poll: Few People Who Say They Get Sex-Related Headaches Talk to a Doctor About it
By Miranda HittiWebMD Medical News
Feb. 15, 2008 -- In a National Headache Foundation survey of some 170 headache patients, 46% reported having had sex-related headaches.
The survey, conducted on the National Headache Foundation's web site during December, included 182 people, mainly women aged 21 and older.
Nearly all participants -- 96% -- reported getting headaches from any cause. The same percentage said they're sexually active.
When asked if sex has ever triggered a headache, 54% said no and 46% said yes. Sex-related headaches most often occurred after sex, the survey shows.
Among people reporting sex-related headaches, about 40% said they've cut back on their sexual activity because of their sex-related headaches, and only 12% said they've talked to a doctor about their sex-associated headaches.
That doesn't mean that sex is their only headache trigger. Among people who reported sex-related headaches, 42% reported having had no more than six of those headaches.
Not everyone got headaches from sex. In fact, 20% of participants noted sex eases their headaches and 6% report having sex more often for the headache relief.
Friday, February 15, 2008
no sex -we are too busy?
Surprising reasons you're not having sex
Story Highlights
Estimated 40 million in U.S. have "sexless marriage" (less than 10 times a year)
Medications can curb your libido; ask doctor about drugs' sexual side effects
Choose a nonsexual time to talk about it with your partner
By Leslie Goldman
Not getting any? You're not alone: Women today have less time for sex than their 1950s counterparts. And it's estimated that 40 million Americans have what experts call a sexless marriage (having sex less than 10 times a year).
Bringing too many distractions to bed can put a crimp in your sex life.
A regular sex life is good for your health. It can satisfy all sorts of emotional- and physical-intimacy needs and help partners stay close, says Anita H. Clayton, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at the University of Virginia and author of "Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy." So why the dry spell? You can chalk it up to a sheer lack of time, but there are a slew of other reasons, too -- from weight gain and perimenopause to technology overload (stop texting now) in the bedroom. Here's how to beat these sex busters.
Your bed isn't sexy anymore.
Story Highlights
Estimated 40 million in U.S. have "sexless marriage" (less than 10 times a year)
Medications can curb your libido; ask doctor about drugs' sexual side effects
Choose a nonsexual time to talk about it with your partner
By Leslie Goldman
Not getting any? You're not alone: Women today have less time for sex than their 1950s counterparts. And it's estimated that 40 million Americans have what experts call a sexless marriage (having sex less than 10 times a year).
Bringing too many distractions to bed can put a crimp in your sex life.
A regular sex life is good for your health. It can satisfy all sorts of emotional- and physical-intimacy needs and help partners stay close, says Anita H. Clayton, M.D., a professor of psychiatry at the University of Virginia and author of "Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy." So why the dry spell? You can chalk it up to a sheer lack of time, but there are a slew of other reasons, too -- from weight gain and perimenopause to technology overload (stop texting now) in the bedroom. Here's how to beat these sex busters.
Your bed isn't sexy anymore.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
a relationship mythbuster
interesting comments and observations on common relationship myths- sensitively said of course
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